


Sanders Behavioral Health

by AstroZone



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Group therapy AU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Mental Illness, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, OCD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trigger Warnings? You bet, Verbal Abuse, a bunch of other very yikes things, because there isnt enough angst :), could be called Big Yikes: The fic, listen, take a wild guess as to what character has anxiety, this is a big yikes indeed, yup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-29 12:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 44,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21140099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroZone/pseuds/AstroZone
Summary: Sanders Behavioral Health is what they called it.A place where they were forced to combat their anxiety head-on.None of them were excited to do that, but, that's why they were there, wasn't it? Four boys with four different issues struggling their way through life. Four boys with four different issues sometimes wishing they were dead.Four boys with four different issues that find themselves meeting in a very unlikely situation- that being group therapy.Four boys that are hurting. But most of all, four boys that are working towards making themselves better.





	1. Virgil Starts Freaking Out More Than Usual

**Author's Note:**

> Good summary? whos she.
> 
> Anyway hi hello I hope you're having a good day I would like to explain some things.
> 
> This started out as me wanting to create something but not knowing what. I didn't want to create characters and a whole setting, so I opted for a fanfiction. The only problem is that I don't want to be known for making a fanfiction. I have plans for the future, and with the stigma around fanfic writers I don't want that to be my reputation. :/
> 
> Also- this was originally going to be a no-ship fic because it's therapy, but the main goal is for me to put the skills I've learned over my time at group therapy online, so that others might benefit too, and I get to write about characters I've gotten attached to. So, to reach a wider audience, I chose to include the popular ships Prinxiety and Logicality. I do hope you'll find I write them well. 
> 
> I hope this helps those who read it to get the inspiration to get better. Because it is better on the other side, I promise. I'm still struggling but I'm doing so much better than I was nine weeks ago when I started therapy.
> 
> My goal is to update this every five days, or every week at the least. Please bully me while I don't update so I don't get distracted by YouTube.
> 
> !! TRIGGER WARNINGS !!  
Listen, if you have any triggers surrounding mental illness, this is gonna be a tough ride for you bud. BUT, before you leave, I suggest that you continue. This is a story about getting better. A story about going back to a happier life. About facing your fears and coming out stronger. And, depending on your triggers, facing them could help you. So that next time, when you come across them, you CAN get through it. Trust me, I spent 9 weeks in therapy, I learned a lot of stuff.
> 
> That being said, I bid you adieu.

Three hours.

Three goddamn hours of his life dedicated to therapy. Every. Single. Day. 

Except weekends. At least he still had his weekends.

When his father had told him of the “amazing” news, Virgil was seriously rethinking going back to his old family.

Coming from an abusive home to a place where others cared about him was jarring, to say the least. Parts of it he adored. Not being punished for coming home a couple minutes late? He couldn’t say he wasn’t grateful. But since his time at his new family’s house, he had been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and a hint of OCD. And when his parents put him in therapy for the first time, he found it dull, but a good escape from his bad thoughts.

But when his therapist suggested Sanders Behavioral Health, he was apprehensive. Even more so when she told him that three hours of his day would be dedicated to working on his anxiety. His social anxiety, mostly. Virgil had stared at her in disgust, why would he ever want to go there? Why would he want to go somewhere that would give him more anxiety, _ on purpose, _rather than stay at home scrolling through YouTube?

He was even more disgusted when his adoptive father had happily agreed to look into it.

Yes, Virgil wanted to get better. God, he wanted to get better so bad, to be away from the thoughts that plagued his mind. That’s what he told himself, at least.

Maybe he didn’t want to get better. Maybe he wanted to stay in his room all day because that was what he was _ used _ to. He was content at this stage, and so what if he was destroying his future and the potential for happiness? He was here now and he was content, wasn’t that good enough?

He would never say that to his therapist. If he did, she would tell his dad, who would in turn tell his mom, and they’d worry about him more. If this was the life he had to live, then so be it.

So here he was, in the lobby room of the building he had dreaded coming to since they made the first call to get him into this institute. He hunched over in his hoodie, idly scrolling through his phone, trying to collect his thoughts. What if he made a mistake? What if it turned out he had been faking it this whole time and they got mad? What if he did something embarrassing? Oh, god, what if they hated him? What if-

The lobby door slammed open. Virgil jumped in his seat, his father gently putting a hand on his shoulder. In stepped a boy that looked just about the same age as himself. Oh, for the love of-

“I HAVE REETUUURNED~,” the boy sung, arms spread as wide as he could with a binder in his hands. “No need to fear, your Prince is here!” Virgil pursed his lips.

“Yeah, ‘prince’, my ass.” he mumbled, looking back down at his phone. The boy spluttered indignantly, to Virgil’s confusion. That wasn’t even a good insult, so why was the boy getting mad at him? _ Oh god, oh shit, I already made an enemy- _

“Roman, please just sign in.” The front desk lady said with a small smile. The boy, or rather, Roman, blushed, with an “oh, right” as he did as he was told.

Roman slumped down in a seat, turning to the only other kid in the room. 

“So, Mr. Professionalism, I know it’s only my second proper day here, but what’s with the tie? You wear it every day or somethin’?” Roman’s posture remained slouched and easy-going, the opposite to the other, who was indeed wearing a tie. Tie guy’s posture was pristine and collected, his face not revealing any emotion, except a slight glare. 

“I do not. I wear a different tie every day. It is unsanitary to wear the same thing every day. And when I sleep, I change into the proper wear. I would also like to point out that it’s pronounced some_ thing _. With a g. Proper pronunciation is important, lest you confuse someone who is not as knowledgeable with our language. And my name, is Logan. Thank you.” Logan, apparently, finished his monologue with hardly a change in expression. Both Virgil and Roman looked a bit disoriented. 

“Allllrighty,” Roman started, ignoring Logan’s hiss of “it’s pronounced all_ right _”, “Welp, glad to see I’m not the only one who’s early! Don’t you think the weather is great today? So sunny!”

“I do not wish to engage in small talk.” Logan said, returning to his book. Roman blinked at this, his head darting back a bit. He quickly returned to his confident persona and turned to Virgil. 

_ Oh no _, was his only thought before he was forced into conversation.

“SOO, Emostein, what’s _ your _ opinion on the weather? Since Necktie over there refuses to be nice, that is.” Roman said with a flourish of his hand. 

What was he supposed to say? That he never went outside enough to appreciate the weather? That he would rather not say anything? That this whole thing was pushing him to the verge of a panic attack?

So, instead, he murmured, “Emostein?”. Goddamn it, that was dumb-

“Why yes! Like Frankenstein, but judging by your apparel, I had assumed you were emo and listen to My Chemical Romance all day. Am I wrong in this?”

Virgil shoved his head in his hands, blushing from embarrassment. “Ugh, no, you’re not. You don’t need to point it out, though…” He grumbled. God, he hated social situations. Even if it distracted him from the anxiety surrounding this new therapy group. 

Whether he had bad luck, or the fates hated him, he couldn’t decide as the door to the rest of the building opened in perfect irony.

“Virgil?” The woman called with a smile. He hugged his few items closer to him as he stood up, making his way through the entrance. He glanced back at the lobby, where yet another kid was entering. 

Then, the door was closed.

\--

The woman introduced herself as Rebecca, or Becca for short. She led him on a quick tour of the building before the others were scheduled to come in, something he was grateful for. The place was smaller than he expected. She led him through the cafeteria (a cafeteria? what?), the doors of a couple staff, the bathroom, the check-up room, and the individual rooms. The individual rooms, as she explained, were for when you needed to focus on an ‘exposure’ and couldn’t handle distractions from other people.

Virgil quickly decided he liked these rooms.

Becca let him choose a room, and had him write his name on the whiteboard in front of it. As he did, he heard the entrance door open and a loud voice groan out, “UGHH, but I don’t wanna go in yet!”. Uh oh, people alert! He quickly slipped into the room, Becca joining him soon after.

“While you’re in this program,” she started. “you will be doing exposures, which means you’ll be directly facing the anxiety. It’ll be tough, but the goal is, when you get out of the program, you’re more used to these situations, and when you encounter them, you don’t freak out as much.” At that, she smiled, as if she hadn’t just diminished his already depressed mood.

“Does that sound good?” Becca continued, tilting her head to the side. Virgil stared at her as if she just told him the Sun was purple (not that he would mind that… purple was a very nice color.). 

“Not really,” came his reply. “sounds terrible.”

Becca’s smile became just a little more stressed. 

“I get your point, but I disagree. See, here and now, you’re not okay. Do you agree?” she stated flatly, and at his small nod, continued, “It’s because you’ve been in this slump for too long. It’s ruining your mood, and unless you do something about it, it’ll just get worse. If you want to get better, you have to do something about it.”

Virgil sighed. Yes, he understood, but he had the right to dislike this.

Becca explained a few more things about the program before handing him a small stack of papers and leaving him to mull over in his silent suffering. 

He doodled in between the questions he had just answered as he waited for Becca to come back. Just the classic questions, ‘What do you want to work on while here at Sanders?’, ‘How would you describe your average mood?’, ‘What is (or are) your diagnosis?’, etc.. He glanced at the clock. 5 minutes. He tapped his foot. Fiddled with his hoodie strings. Kicked at the wall. 10 minutes. Hm.

Sanders Behavioral Health had a rule against phones being in the building, for privacy reasons… but, taking a glance around, he couldn’t _ see _ any cameras. And he _ had _ snuck his phone in by slipping it into his boots when no one was looking. Then there was the fact that no one was in the room with him…

Whipping out his phone, he quickly found a position where his phone was hidden enough that the average passerby wouldn’t notice and opened it up. _ What to do, what to do… _

He scrolled through Tumblr, and responded to a few messages on Discord. He was in the middle of typing one out when there was a knock on the door.

Jumping, Virgil quickly turned to the door while desperately trying to hide his phone. He couldn’t fit in past his shoe in time, could he hide it in his hoodie so the visitor wouldn’t see it? Think fast befo-

The door opened, a stranger walking in. The stranger smiled.

“Hello! I’m Nurse Vicki. You’re Virgil, right? I need you for just a moment so we can do checkups, if you’ll come with me!” Vicki grinned, holding the door open wider. Virgil slid the phone into his hoodie pocket. There was a chance of it being noticed, but it would have to do.

When brought into the nurse’s office, she sat him down and started asking questions. 

Are you suicidal? Yes.

Are you going to school regularly? No.

Are you eating healthy? Probably not.

And on, and on, and on, until finally, she took him to track his weight and vitals, and escorted him back to his room. Still no Becca.

The second Nurse Vicki left, Virgil quickly took his phone out and situated it where it wasn’t easily visible in his boot. Yes, it did rub against his foot painfully, but that was just the price he’d have to pay. Without his phone, he felt even more anxious. He knew it was stupid, but what if he got a call? What if he got hurt? What if someone _ else _ got hurt? Virgil needed the phone, and if that included sacrificing his comfort, he would do it.

Now, what was he supposed to do? 20 minutes had passed. He studied the vandalism done in pencil on the wall, but that quickly got boring.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

He drummed his fingers on the table. 

Tick, tock, tick, tock. 

He thought about what he was going to do tomorrow- wait, no, that gave him more anxiety. 

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Sighing, he leaned back and studied the ceiling. Maybe he could fall asleep here. Or maybe he’d just get in trouble for that. 

After what seemed like ages, Becca returned. Gathering up the papers, she led him outside the room. 

“We aren’t going to start anything today, but I’ll show you the timers and computers. Here’s the check in sheet for them,” she motioned to the top of the computer cart, a basket with multiple stopwatches in it next to the sheets. “and the top row of computers are assessment computers, while the bottom are normal computers. Today, you’ll be getting an assessment computer.” 

Stepping aside, she let him check out a computer. As he was writing down his name, another person came in from a second hallway. The loud boy from before- Roman?- glanced in their direction before doing a double take. Cringing slightly, Virgil prepared for Roman to burst out with a loud “hello!”.

Only Roman did nothing of the sort. Once Becca greeted him, he motioned awkwardly to the timer in his hands before walking down the hallway and turning into a staff’s room.

O ...kay?

He may not have known Roman for long, but that seemed entirely uncharacteristic. Pursing his lips, he finished filling out the sheet as Becca and him walked back. Well, almost. Becca stopped in her office for a split second before returning with a binder and a dazzling smile. Virgil sunk into his jacket with a ‘dazzling’ scowl.

Back inside the room, Becca gave him the binder and led him through all that it entailed, before signing him into the assessment computer. And once more, Becca left him to fill out the assessments alone.

Which was fantastic.

Another round of repetitive questions he’d answered a thousand times before-

In the past 7 days how often have you not able to stop feeling sad? _ Often. _

\--felt alone? _ Always. _

\--feel everything in your life went wrong? _ Always. _

\--feel like you can’t do anything right? _ Often. _

\--it was hard for you to have fun? _ Always. _

He supposed a lot of this came from his past family. And, _ geez, _ these were not nice memories to go through. But being pushed around and starved for days on end was bound to take a toll on you, and it sure as hell did in the case of Virgil. It was part of the reason he wore hoodies all the time, to hide the- the- _ oh god _ he was not ready to think about this right now.

Shaking his head, Virgil returned to the questions, feeling worse than he had. He felt a tear trying to surface and quickly closed his eyes. _ Not here _ , he thought. _ Not now, I can’t. They’ll make fun of me for it. _

And yeah, maybe it was illogical to worry about being made fun of for crying in a literal _ therapy _building, but maybe Virgil wasn’t thinking quite right at that point. Maybe he wasn’t thinking quite right often.

Or maybe he was just stupid.

\--

The last time Becca returned to his individual room was to bring him out to the cafeteria for something called ‘recreational therapy’ which included doing “fun things” with the other patients.

Great.

After putting away his computer, he was instructed to leave his new binder in the cafeteria and to bring a pen or pencil with him.

He didn’t have either and had to ask someone else for it. Oh, god…

Dodging around the others in the cafeteria, he made his way back to Becca and quietly asked for a pen, and, to his disappointment, didn’t get one. He turned around to face the 3 other patients, forced to consider the options as to who might have a _goddamn_ _pen_.

The others were all the people he had seen in the waiting room earlier. Only one of them he hadn’t really gotten to know, which was the boy in light blue. He was talking to the loud one, ugh, what was his name again… Roman! Yes, he was talking to Roman. Listening in on their conversation he found that they were talking about… dogs? Well, Light Blue was nearly screaming about dogs while Roman was looking a little bewildered at just how loud this boy was about dogs. Which only left Tie Guy, Logan, to ask. If he didn’t have one, Virgil would have to walk out and ask a staff, so asking the scary one it was.

Glancing towards his binder, Virgil saw that he had 3 pens next to it, black, red, and blue. _ Bingo! _

“Hey uh,” he started once he reached Logan. “Um, can I… uh, sorry, can I borrow a pen? Please?”

Logan’s gaze jerked towards Virgil, then back to his pens. “No,” he stated bluntly. “I only have one black pen. As you can _ see. _”

“But… I could just… use the red or blue one? I don’t really care that much about colors…” Virgil, to say the least, was hella confused. What was this kid’s deal? First the whole tie thing, now Virgil wasn’t able to use one of his three pens? There was no need to be so rude.

“No, you can’t. Red is for spelling errors and blue is for grammar errors. Everyone knows that. You cannot just use a red or blue pen for normal writing!” Logan nearly growled out. Virgil took a few steps back, was it okay for him to be around this guy?! Was he safe?

He felt a tap on his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin. Whipping around, he was faced with Light Blue holding a pen. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Heyo! I’m Patton,” Light Blue said. “I couldn’t help but hear your conversation, so sorry for interrupting, but I have a free pen you could use instead! It’s no big deal to me!” Patton’s smile was nearly blinding as he held the pen out. Grabbing the pen, Virgil felt a little… unnerved. Maybe it was just the anxiety talking, but this guy seemed _ way _ too nice to be here. Maybe he was just about to leave the program? 

“Uh, thanks.” Was the only thing he said in response before retreating to the corner of the room. He could see Becca hovering around the computer before telling them she would be back in a second. 

Well ain’t that just fucking _ great _.

“Ooh, scandalous~!” Roman yelled as Becca went to leave the room. “Leaving a bunch of teens unsupervised? Didn’t take ya for the type.” Virgil looked at him. If he remembered correctly, Roman had said this was his second day. So, why was he so… extroverted? He, along with Patton, didn’t really feel like they belonged in this group. Patton seemed too bright and happy, and Roman seemed too loud and confident. 

“You is not pronounced ‘ya’.” Logan huffed. Roman turned to him looking a bit confused. 

“It’s… not that different, though?”

“Every little thing matters, Roman. I’ve explained this to you before, so why do you continue to lack the capacity to understand it?” Roman spluttered at this, the insult obviously getting to him.

“I was just telling you my opinion, and you don’t need to… insult me over it! Believe it or not, I don’t like being called stupid!” Roman spat out.

Uh oh.

“I did not call you stupid. It seems as if you came to that conclusion yourself, yet I will not deny it.”

“_ You implied it you-” _

Before Roman could finish, Becca, in all her glory, opened the door and invited them to follow her. Well, maybe invited wasn’t the correct term, but Virgil was well on his way to a massive anxiety attack and couldn’t give a shit.

Once Becca had led them outside and had them all introduce themselves, she gave them a simple two-sided sheet of paper.

“Today, we’re going to be doing a people scavenger hunt! On the paper, there’s a bunch of questions, and it’s your job to find someone who fits the criteria! Once you do, they should sign your paper. Try not to use the same person for most of the questions! Sounds great, don’t you agree?”

“Yay.” Virgil muttered unenthusiastically, curling into his hoodie when both Roman and Patton turned to him.

“Miss Becca, there are four of us. Statistically speaking, it is unlikely for us to be able to fill out the entirety of this sheet, especially with questions like the 13th, which says ‘Someone who has red hair.’ As you can see, none of us have red hair. I must recommend that you reprint this paper with questions we can properly answer.” Logan attempted to smooth down his hair in the wind as he spoke, his paper resting on a clipboard, because _ of course _ Logan had prepared himself with a clipboard while the rest of them had to combat the wind attempting to blow their papers away.

“It’s okay, Logan,” Becca smiled sweetly. “You don’t need to answer all the questions before we go back in.”

“Yes I do, or the assignment is incomplete!” 

Smile dropping, Becca motioned for the others to start as she turned to talk to Logan. And with that, Virgil was forced to communicate with the last two.

Already, Patton and Roman seemed to be chatting, which left Virgil to awkwardly stand by while they filled the paper out. Virgil could feel his breathing quickening, _ why _ did Logan have to be picky? He could be talking to him, which would be better than just _ standing _ here with nothing to do!

Roman turned to him once he had gotten the paper signed, smiling slightly at him before skimming his eyes through the paper. Wait, he took it back, he wasn’t ready to talk yet oh no-

“Do youuu….. Like mint ice cream?” Roman asked, looking up from his paper with a smile. Silently, Virgil nodded. After signing the paper Roman gave to him, Roman stayed, looking expectantly at him. _ What? Oh! He’s expecting a question quick choose one!!! _

Looking at his own paper, Virgil chose the first question his eyes landed on. 

“Do you, um. Do you speak another language?” He stuttered out. Roman brightened.

“¡Sí! Hablo español.” Roman was bouncing on his heels, grinning impossibly larger. At Virgil’s dubious stare, he seemed to deflate, a small blush growing on his cheeks. “Sorry, uh, yes, I speak Spanish.”

As Virgil handed him the paper, he had more time to stand awkwardly. Roman had hoisted his leg up and was now balancing precariously on one leg while writing against the other one. His tongue poked out from between his teeth as he tried to not fall over. 

Roman had green eyes. While Virgil didn’t usually make eye contact, he couldn’t help but notice while this kid was _ right in front of him _ . Virgil had always adored green eyes in people, they may be more rare but they were so _ pretty and- _

Roman glanced up at him, and Virgil quickly flushed. “Do you want me to fill out the green eyes question, too? I’m pretty sure I’m the only one of us who has green eyes, so… y’know… while I’m here, might as well, yea?”

All Roman saw was Virgil’s small nod, which Virgil was grateful for as his mind was screaming at the current moment.

_ Is this guy psychic what the hell how’d he know EXACTLY what I was thinking??? What???? No, Virge, calm down, he can’t be psychic- BUT WHAT IF HE IS???? _

Once Virgil got his paper back, he turned once more and was suddenly face-to-face with Patton’s smile. 

“Heya kiddo! Have you been on a boat ride?” At Virgil’s shake of his head, he continued. “Hm, okay, have you been to a park in the past few months?

On and on the activity went. Surprisingly, Virgil quickly found himself actually _ enjoying _the activity. Roman and Patton were easy to talk to, if slightly disorienting to the extreme introvert. 

Unfortunately, the universe seemed to hate him, because after about 10 questions with the others, Logan stormed back into the building, leaving Becca alone. Becca sighed.

“Sorry guys, but I legally can’t leave him or you without a guardian, so if you could follow me please we will go back inside.”

Back inside, Becca took them to the cafeteria, where Logan already was, meticulously rearranging his binder. When Becca approached him, he hissed out, “I will NOT be doing an assignment where I am forced to fail.”

The three looked at each other, Patton seeming to be the only one who knew what was happening. He gave them a sad smile.

“Logan came here before me, but he told me he has extreme OCD. Basically, he gets anxiety when things don’t go the way his mind tells him they have to.” Patton whispered to them. “I think he has a sort of… fear of failing, so he gets the bad feelings when he can’t finish an assignment. Well, more bad feelings than the average person.”

That made sense, Virgil supposed. While he was told he had a bit of OCD, he wasn’t exactly briefed on all the ins and outs, only diagnosed with it. So he had no definitive answer as to what _ exactly _ it was, but from what he had heard, that seemed to fit with the behavior Logan was showing.

A couple minutes passed, Virgil tapping his foot aimlessly. He stared at the ground as Logan continued to bicker, and as Becca desperately tried to calm him down. Eventually, Roman spoke up and told Becca that it was check-out time, which apparently entailed them filling out a sheet of paper before they were able to leave.

Thankfully, Becca told Virgil that he didn’t have to fill a check-out sheet today, which left him awkwardly tapping his pen against the table. He noticed Roman doodling in a blank space on the paper, mouthing the lyrics to a song Virgil couldn’t decipher. Patton was watching the clock after he had finished, which left Logan to be the only one still filling out the sheet.

Once they were finally blessed with the absence of silence in the form of Becca loudly exclaiming that they could start sharing _ aloud and dear God would Virgil have to do that tomorrow? _They were finally allowed to leave.

After signing out and riding the elevator down, with all the other patients and their parents in the cramped space, they finally exited the building.

“So, what’d you think?” His dad asked as they walked to the car. Virgil simply shrugged in response.

And maybe, Virgil enjoyed it a little bit, just a little bit. But he wasn’t going to admit it after he claimed so adamantly that he would hate it the days prior.

The ride home was spent with Virgil telling his online friends what had happened in therapy that day, a task that would quickly become routine in his days at Sanders.

And maybe, just maybe, he was feeling a little bit better at returning the next day.

  
  
  


Maybe.


	2. Roman Has A Rough Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, we delve into Roman's problems. Wonder how it'll turn out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh this one's different and I feel like it's worse but I'll leave that decision to you. 
> 
> oh and the 'three hours' thing isn't gonna last the whole book lmao, just the next two.

Three hours.

If Roman had to guess how long he had been staring at himself in the mirror, it was three hours.

From an outside perspective, Roman might seem conceited and narcissistic. But while staring at the mirror, all Roman could see were mistakes.

His hair looked messy, people were going to laugh at him.

His freckles stood out. He could cover them with makeup, but if others found out he was wearing makeup- god he could barely stand the thought. 

His face looked odd in general. And his weight? Don’t get him started! Looking at his arms, his legs, his chest, all he could see were flaws,  _ flaws _ ,  ** _flaws_ ** _ ! _

Roman felt tears threatening to spill and shoved his head into a pillow. Why did he have to be so… ugly? Why must whatever God up there curse him like this? And no matter how many times his grandparents and aunt told him he wasn’t, he just couldn’t see what the  _ fuck _ they were talking about.

Well, at least he was in therapy. Maybe they’d fix him.

Roman’s parents weren’t too fond of him, he knew. They were the only ones that would admit the truth, that he was ugly, and that they didn’t deserve such a disgusting son. They would take any opportunity to get him away from them, and once his distant relatives had suggested taking Roman to therapy, citing his ‘sudden declining happiness’, and ‘inability to eat’, his parents had leaped at the possibility, taking the chance as soon as they could.

They had talked about putting him in the six-hour program that started earlier in the day. The only reason they didn’t was because the school would start coming after them for attendance issues. Well, more than they usually did, anyway.

Roman glanced back up at the mirror, frowning. He couldn’t go to school looking like this, no, they’d just make fun of him. 

Another day of skipping school it was.

His parents wouldn’t care, they never did until they were being yelled at. He’d just creep downstairs and tell whatever parent was down there taking a swig of alcohol that he was staying home, they’d just grunt and wave him off. And once the school called, they’d tell them he was sick, and rush upstairs to yell at him that he hadn’t told them before heading off to work.

Today was no different.

\--

It was about noon when Roman opened the cupboard for the first time that day. Skimming over the options, he bit his lip. There was nothing there that he  _ wanted _ . He had everything he should want, plenty of options that many kids would kill to have, and yet Roman didn’t want any of it. He didn’t really know  _ what  _ he wanted, he was barely hungry anyway. He’d just come back to it later and choose something then.

He ignored the voice in his head that told him he wouldn’t.

Grabbing his backpack, he made his way back to his room to start his homework. Well, “start” his homework, which actually meant wallowing in his sorrow while thinking about the week so far.

Therapy was… okay so far. He couldn’t tell them a lot of stuff, just that he was insecure. He wouldn’t tell them about how he hated looking in mirrors, or that he struggled to even eat a snack during the day. No, no, then they would know too much. If his parents found out, there would be consequences. Not hitting or anything! His parents would never abuse him. 

Never.

His first day had been mediocre. He filled out questionnaires, and they played a board game for rec. Nothing important. Nothing new. Nothing,  _ just like how he saw himself. _

At least he wasn’t the only new kid. There was the hoodie kid, who he had made uncomfortable with his  _ stupid assumptions _ , and who he had given a  _ terrible _ nickname to.  _ Really, Roman? You could at least come up with something  _ ** _better_ ** . And Patton told him he arrived last week Wednesday, and Logan two days prior. So, all in all, they were  _ all _ new. Which was great!

Roman couldn’t help but feel happy at meeting the others. Sue him, he loved meeting new people! The prospect of finding out something about a person you barely knew was fun, at least to him. 

_ You should stop, you’re prying into people’s lives when they don’t want you to. _ The voice in his head said. Roman didn’t acknowledge it in the rest of his internal monologue.

Logan was nice, despite his attitude the day prior. On Roman’s first day, he had been very helpful in his own, stubborn way. They had a couple of back-and-forths, and while that might seem aggressive to others, it made Roman feel more comfortable. Logan liked him enough to argue without any hate behind it.

Patton was unbelievably kind. He would go out of his way to help Roman and Logan, even when they were battling via a board game. Patton had hugged him the moment he saw Roman, but when Roman had seemed apprehensive he backed off a little bit. Not to say that he calmed down in the slightest, he was practically bouncing in his chair when they played.

And then there was Virgil, the one who had taken on the resident ‘New Kid’ title. He was quieter than the others, more resigned. When Roman had actually started getting him to talk, he started coming out of his shell, or hoodie, a little bit. This made Roman extremely happy, at least he was likeable enough for the more apprehensive to talk to him! Roman had also noticed that Virgil had black nail polish on, which made him want to do his own.

Well, Roman never really had good impulse control.

20 minutes later, Roman’s nails were red and absolutely fabulous.

5 minutes later, Roman realized in a panic that he had run out of acetone, and would have to either pick at his nails or go  _ outside _ with nail polish on. He was a boy! He would definitely get made fun of, and Roman was not in the mood for that today, no thank you.

He settled down on his bed, ‘forgetting’ about the homework that was glaring threateningly at him from his desk.

Roman ignored it.

Roman spent the rest of his free time scrolling through Instagram and YouTube.

And then it was time to go.

\--

Roman settled into the lobby seat, earlier than he had planned. The lobby was silent, and felt awkward with no background noise. He was used to buzzing, the wind, birds chirping, literally any noise, but in here? Nothing.

He wasn’t very comfortable.

Minutes went by as Roman sat, waiting for the others. He  _ knew _ he shouldn’t have come so early, curse his anxieties over coming in late. He was currently in a very heated stare-off with the carpeted floor as of now. Just waiting.

After what felt like hours, Virgil entered the room in all of his emo glory. He looked surprised at not being the only person to arrive obnoxiously early.

“Oh, uh, hey. Roman, right?” Virgil muttered, walking to the front desk to sign in.  _ Quick, Roman, act normal! _

“The one and only,” Roman said, with a grin that felt as fake as the Kardashian’s “drama”. And it appeared Roman was a good actor, since Virgil didn’t react at all other than a scoff. _Jesus,_ the voice in his head said. _No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re so _**_boring._** Roman grinned at Virgil, attempting to seem more… well, positive, but Virgil didn’t seem to notice him. _Or he’s just ignoring you._

The receptionist grinned at Virgil once he was done. “You should go sit by Roman and talk!” She said, apparently oblivious to the anxiety radiating between the two. Virgil spluttered for a few seconds before walking towards Roman and sitting down. Both of them were silent for a few seconds, both trying to think of  _ something _ to say.

“So, what’d you think of your first day?” Roman asked, just barely hiding the stress he was feeling. Acting really was the only thing he was good at, and despite how much his parents shunned it, it was useful in situations like this. Situations he faced every day, really. 

“I don’t know, I guess it was fine.” Virgil said. “Nothing really happened, y’know?”

_ Nothing _ . He hated that word.

“Eh, you’re right. Still, rec was fun, yeah?”

“Rec?” Was all Virgil said, staring at him in confusion.  _ Oh, right. _

“Rec is, well, just what we say to shorten the whole recreational therapy thing. Sorry, I keep forgetting you’re new!”  _ Goddamn it, Roman! You’re such an  _ ** _idiot_ ** _ .  _ “I guess you just… fit right in, yeah?”

“Fit right in with the mentally unstable. Great,” Virgil deadpanned, causing Roman to snort.

“I mean, I suppose you could say it like that.” He said between quiet giggles. He hadn’t expected  _ that _ answer. Virgil gave a small smile in return, clearly feeling at least a bit awkward.  _ Oops. _

“Well, today’s gonna be  _ way _ different,” Roman started, with a smirk. “‘Cause you’ll have to actually join us in the cafeteria this time.” As he said that, Virgil’s smile slipped and he groaned, practically shoving his face into his palms. Roman laughed. “Me too, man.”

“Really? Would’ve pegged you for the type to be ecstatic about being around others.” Virgil stated, turning in his seat to face Roman a bit more. Roman shrugged in response. 

“I mean, kinda? There’s pros and cons to it, y’know? And-” Roman cut himself off before he could continue.  _ Stupid _ Roman, you don’t just rant all your problems out to an innocent stranger. He shook his head. “Eh, nevermind, I dunno where I was going with that” 

Virgil looked slightly concerned, but didn’t comment on it. Roman slapped another cheery grin on his face before continuing. “So, what’d’ya think of the others?”

“Well… one seemed nice, Patton, if I remember correctly. I don’t know about Logan though… No offense to him or anything!” 

“Logan’s pretty nice from my experience. I may not have spoken to him long, only a couple days, but those days were pretty chill. I guess something happened? Maybe it was so many new people or something?” Roman started tapping his foot on the ground, and fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket. He didn’t want to insult Logan, but his behavior yesterday  _ was _ pretty aggressive.

Virgil started chewing on his hoodie strings, which only slightly muffled his voice when he answered. “I guess. I’ll just… go with the flow. I don’t… want to get myself into something I can’t get out of, y’know? I’ve had enough of that in my life.”

“I don’t think I’m following here…”

“Oh! Um, I didn’t really… uh mean to say that out loud…? Heh, sorry… just not really… um, open to talk about that?” Virgil stammered out, shrinking into his hoodie. 

“Heyheyhey, no need to worry about it! I’m not gonna pressure you into something you don’t wanna talk about. After all, this is therapy, we’re gonna go through worse. Probably.” Roman quickly responded in a panicked state. Virgil buried his face in his hands once more, muttering “don’t remind me we’re in therapy”. Roman smiled. He didn’t want to call it too soon, but… maybe he could make a friend?

\--

After talking for about 10 minutes, everyone had arrived and Becca called them into the back. From here, it was a game of ‘try to get to the check-in room first’ to get into one of the two spinny chairs. Usually, Patton and Roman would get the chairs, as Logan would say, “There’s no use grabbing a revolving chair when we’re only going to be here for a few minutes.” But with the addition of Virgil to their daily group, Roman wanted to  _ make sure _ he got one of those seats. They were the most comfortable, and they were fun! Both were a plus.

Arriving first in the room, he plopped down into a spinny chair, spinning himself around before grabbing a check-in sheet.  _ Success! _

Becca joined him in the room soon after, Virgil trailing behind her. After Becca handed Virgil a sheet and motioned for him to choose a seat, he sat in the swivel chair beside Roman. 

Patton and Logan joined them soon after, having been walking slower while they talked. Patton didn’t look disappointed as he lost the title of Swivel Chair Holder, only smiled brighter as he grabbed a sheet and asked Logan to sit beside him. 

Logan himself, however, looked at Virgil and winced, presumably because of his behavior the other day. Logan looked apprehensive, torn between sitting by Patton or apologizing to Virgil. But once Becca kneeled down to show Virgil what to fill out, Logan knew his chance was gone.

Well, that’s what Roman thought, anyway.

The room was silent other than the sound of pen on paper. Roman tapped his foot unconsciously as he thought. 

See, at Sanders, they ask you to rate your anxiety, avoidance, and depression every day. But instead of using 0-5 or 0-10 they decided to use a 0-7 scale for who knows why.

So, what was his anxiety today? Roman bit the inside of his cheek as he thought. Maybe a 4? Or maybe a 5? Well, seeing as his anxiety was raising as he struggled to find an answer, he put down 5. As for avoidance and depression, 3 and 4 respectively. 

Just a couple more questions down, and then he was free to doodle. It had become a ritual during his time here, despite not being here  _ that _ long. Today’s piece of art was a doodle of a Prince. A crown, sash, and a dazzling grin, and he was done. He glanced up to see Virgil was the only one still filling out the sheet. 

Well, he supposed he could add some more sparkles.

Once Virgil was done, Becca clapped her hands and asked for them to share. Patton went first, going through his emotion, his anxiety, avoidance + depression, and other questions. Logan was next, doing the same but refusing to share his emotion. Then it was Roman’s turn, and he sped through it as quick as possible, not wanting to concern any of the others. 

On Virgil’s turn, he went quiet and stuttered numerous times throughout the reading. He was reluctant to speak about the bottom four questions, specifically. Well, kinda. There were the two questions of ‘since yesterday have you had thoughts of harming others/have you actually done it’. There was also the ‘have you had thoughts of harming yourself/done it’. Quietly, Virgil asked not to share, and Becca agreed, though looking thoroughly disappointed. 

\--

Pulling out his binder and a pen with an excessive plume, Roman sat down at the middle table. Patton and Logan sat near him, while Virgil took a seat at a corner table, Becca joining him soon after to brief him on the ins and outs. Keep in mind, there were only three tables, so the options were at a minimum.

Shocked back into reality by someone sitting next to him, he turned to see the other therapist, Charlie, seated at his right. 

“Hello, Roman! You finished your introduction exposure yesterday, right?” She asked. And she was right, yesterday had been spent introducing himself to the various staff around the building, and at the extreme lack of such, had to introduce himself to some of them  _ twice _ . At Roman’s nod, she continued. 

“So, today we’ll set you up with a couple more exposures, based on what you’ve told us. So, here,” she started, pointing at the next unnamed category on the page. “The first exposure is to put a mark on your face. It has to be noticeable, too. Just use a pen for that one, you don’t need anything special. Then all you need to do is talk to people.”

Nodding, Roman scribbled it down on the page, telling himself he wouldn’t do that one until he absolutely  _ had _ to.

“And the next one is just wearing jewelry. Anything like a necklace, bracelets, rings, will work fine. You won’t have to wear them the whole day, just do trials for about 30 seconds. If you don’t have anything to wear right now just bring some tomorrow and we’ll start then.”

Fuck. Now he had to.

“Uh, yeah I don’t have any… jewelry. So, for the first one, do I gotta like… do any specific thing, like a word or…?”

“Just a line will do.”

And with that, Roman got up to go to ask to go to the bathroom, only stopped by Charlie’s hand on his arm. He gave her a questioning look. 

“I was just gonna go to the bathroom… to put the mark on my face. Is something wrong?” He asked. Charlie shook her head.

“Do it here. If you use the mirror, it will loosen some of the anxiety. The point of this is to combat the anxiety, full on. No avoiding.”

“But I like avoiding.” Roman mumbled to himself. He didn’t think anyone heard, but the quiet giggle from Patton proved otherwise. Charlie just gave him an encouraging smile.

Sitting back down, Roman picked up his pen, while Charlie walked to her computer. Roman stared at the pen as if he were about to make a life-changing decision. 

_ Just put the pen on your face, it’s not that hard _ . Except it  _ was _ hard, at least for him. God, he really was a failure if he couldn’t force himself to make a mark on his face.

It was oh-so-simple. A mark on the face. But all Roman could think of were the consequences. They could laugh at him, they could ignore it, and worst of all, they could  _ point it out _ . Just the thought of people making assumptions or putting themselves in awkward situations just because they didn’t want to embarass him made him want to throw himself off a roof.

He could feel his hands shaking, and, looking down, the rest of him was shaking too.  _ Calm down, _ he told himself. What was one of the coping methods he learned?

Name 5 things you can see. He glanced around. The table, the window, Patton, Virgil, and his binder. Okay.

4 things you can feel. His clothes, the chair. He could feel his hair flopping into his face, and suddenly another spark of anxiety ignited in his chest. Deep breathing, Roman. Deep breathing. He could feel his hands starting to shake again.

3 things you can hear. All he could hear was the tap of fingers against a keyboard, what else… He strained to hear, and found he could hear the cars on the highway, something his brain had apparently decided to discard. And the sound of the door opening, with Logan walking in to prove it.

What was next? 2 things you could smell. Okay, well, he couldn’t smell much. There was the smell of mint, but other than that he couldn’t smell anything. He found himself glancing around, anxiety increasing once more. And, yes! A whiff of perfume blew past his nose.

1 thing you can taste. Well, not much. Did the inside of this mouth count? Well, he supposed it had to, since he wasn’t about to go lick the wall.

Roman took another few moments to himself, distracting himself by tapping his foot against the floor. 

-

He found himself in front of Nurse Vicki’s office, a pen mark on his face and the dread of what was to come. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and let himself in.

Vicki turned to him. “Hello, Roman,” she greeted. “What do you need?”

What was he supposed to say? Charlie told him he wasn’t supposed to mention the mark, and rather to just make small talk. He would rather have had a topic but he hadn’t taken those improv classes for nothing!

“How has your day been?” he said.

  
  


Welp. He had taken those improv classes for nothing. 

Vicki explained that she was doing well, she had gone to her sister’s house after group yesterday, so she was happy about that. She didn’t mention the mark.

Thank  _ god _ .

He cycled through a couple other staff, anxiety slowly loosening its grip as he progressed. And no one had pointed out the mark! When he looked at his sheet after his sixth trial, he noticed his anxiety had went from a 6 to a 4, and he was feeling proud of himself as he walked into the hallway once more.

He spotted Virgil down the hall, fiddling with the timer in his hands. Roman strutted towards him, intending to make Virgil his seventh trial of the mark exposure. 

“Hey, Virgil, you busy?” he asked. Virgil shook his head. “Aight, cool. How’re exposure’s going so far?”

“I don’t like them.” Came his response. Roman laughed, replying with, “No one likes them.”

“All I’ve been doing is introducing myself but… I introduced myself to all the staff and I still have 4 trials to go before I’m finished and, honestly-” Virgil ran a hand through his hair, voice strained. “I don’t know what to do and I’ll feel awkward asking Becca what I’m supposed to do now… Sorry for ranting…” He finished.

Roman smiled. “I just finished that exposure yesterday, and Charlie, er, the other therapist, told me we can introduce ourselves to the same staff twice.” Virgil wrinkled his nose at this, frowning slightly. 

“If I’m being honest, that’s even worse.” Virgil started fidgeting with the edge of his hoodie. He seemed apprehensive about something, whatever it was Roman had no clue. 

“Uh, also… you have a mark on your face. Uh, just figured I’d tell you, sorry”

And with that, Roman felt his anxiety get to a 7 faster than soda out of a newly opened can. “Heh, yeah. I mean, uh- thanks, Virgil. I’ll fix it when I can. Um, gotta go now, so, see ya!” He called as he powerwalked his way back to the cafeteria. He could barely hear anything as he sat down in his seat, staring out the window across from him. Oh, god. Someone had noticed. Someone had noticed and now he was going to laugh at him behind his back. He was going to tell Patton, and Logan, just how stupid Roman was. Roman stopped breathing for a few moments, trying to calm himself down.

Virgil wouldn’t do that, he was just trying to be helpful. And Roman had run away from him,  _ oh god _ , he was probably confused and Roman had not helped the situation. He supposed he would have to apologize later, he was too frazzled now. He wanted  _ so bad _ to wipe the mark off his face, but he knew Charlie and Becca would be disappointed in him if he did.

5 minutes later, he felt much calmer, his breathing normal, and his chest felt less compressed. His anxiety had come to a 3, so he stopped the timer at 6 minutes and 24 seconds. He scribbled down the results as Virgil came back into the room, seemingly just out of an exposure, so Roman gave him a smile in lieu of an apology, not allowed to talk to someone while they were in the middle of an exposure. 

Roman decided he would apologize at rec.

\--

Roman never got to apologize. Today’s rec was a hands-on activity that left him with no time to talk to Virgil. And just after rec, he saw Logan talking with him, and since he didn’t want to stay there too long, Roman decided he would just get in the elevator.

His mind told him he should take the stairs, else he would just gain more weight. 

Once he got down, he took some time to shuffle through his binder, he had a weird feeling that he  _ left _ something, and-

The elevator dinged, and the door opened as Virgil, Logan, Patton, and their parents shuffled out. Patton tugged on his mom’s shirt, telling her to stop for a moment. He practically bounced up to Roman, a grin on his face.

“Roman! I’m glad I caught you. I got Virgil and Logan’s phone numbers, and I was wondering if I could have yours? No pressure, of course! But it’d be nice if we were in touch outside of therapy. And I can give you the other’s numbers so we’re ALL in touch!” Patton extended his phone to Roman, the latter of which taking it and inputting his number. Maybe this could work out after all?

  
  
  


[ Hey, this is Roman and I sure as hell hope this is Virgil.]

| yea its virgil |

[ Oh thank god. Just wanted to say sorry for running off on you earlier, wouldve said it after rec but i saw you talking with Logan and didnt want to intrude. ]

| don’t worry about it, it’s fine. |

| what’s not fine is you sending that right as i walk into my house |

| i nearly faceplanted the ground cause of you |

[ And i oop- ]

| did |

| please tell me that was ironic |

| i might have a stroke if it wasn’t |

[ Youll never know ;) ]

| oh my god |

| i just |

| i can’t |

| have a good night Roman |

[ Right back at you, buckaroo ]

  
|  _ oh my god  _ |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is that ending, you ask? Hell if I know. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed nonetheless, and have a good day! Patton's chapter is next
> 
> I might make a tumblr account with this so I can share the stupid comments I make on google docs
> 
> AND I feel like I must say that I'm sorry for including the whole verbal abuse thing. I did say if you have any triggers this ain't it for you, but also I'm not the best person to write it, far from it, actually. If yall have tips I'm open, but it does fit in with my story and how I want it to go, and it'd feel awkward removing it. I hope you enjoyed


	3. Patton Will Help!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's Patton thinking about? Let's find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I find myself on the verge of tears because I love Roman so much
> 
> wait this is Patton's chapter
> 
> I'm trying to differentiate their POVs with slightly different writing styles and I hope it doesn't seem weird.
> 
> This chapter is just barely over 3,000 words and I was feeling disappointed in myself because my goal is always 5000, and to write 1000 every day. Then I remembered a lot of authors have an average of 500-1000 words and was worried I write too much but honestly? Now that I've thought about it, it doesn't really matter how many words are in the chapter, if I try to push 5000 it'll just lead to unnecessary moments that interrupt the story. I'm actually really satisfied with this chapter, I think I did it well. I do try to put myself on a 5 day schedule still, and I'm sorry for not getting this one out in time. I elected to take the day after last upload for myself, and some self-care. What I didn't realize was that Halloween was 2 days later, and I wouldn't have time to work on it then. whoops
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Three hours.

Three hours until school ended for the day and Patton would go home for 5 minutes before heading to Sanders’.

Until then, he had to brave the school day. Patton was okay at school, but had a nasty habit of not saying no to any request, and his time between classes was spent doing favors for others. His time for lunch was limited, and his weekends were booked full. It took a toll on Patton, but he’d do anything to make others happy!

After all, others’ happiness was more important than his own.

His therapist had disagreed, which is why he was transferred to Sanders Behavioral Health. And at Sanders they said the same. Why couldn’t they understand that Patton wasn’t worthy of being happy? He didn’t do as much as he could, as much as he  _ should _ , and he was a bad person.

Like that one time he had noticed a kid sitting in the seat beside him, his name was Todd, looking at his paper during a test. Patton had glanced at the teacher before nudging his paper closer to Todd, and filling out the rest. Once he noticed Todd had finished, he turned it in.

But he had gotten some of the answers  _ wrong _ . Todd had been counting on him but Patton failed him, and now Todd was grounded for getting a mediocre grade.

And it was all Patton’s fault.

He tried to apologize to Todd, but had been shrugged off, Todd saying, “Eh, you don’t need to man. It was my fault for not studying.”

  
  


Todd must  _ hate _ him. 

The bell rang, signalling him to rush to his next class. Well, “class”. It was time for lunch. 

Patton grabbed his items as quickly as he could, shoving them into his backpack. He felt guilty for zoning out in class, but the teacher was already on her computer and he didn’t want to disturb her. Once he had stuffed today’s worksheet into his bag, he slipped out, last to leave the room. 

Patton held the lunch tray in his hands, looking for a place to sit. No one had asked for his lunch time yet, so he expected someone to call out to him, which was what usually happened these periods.

What he wasn’t expecting was to be cornered.

The edge of a table pierced his back as he was suddenly faced with none other than President of the Student Council (and Tennis Team), Vanessa E. Cordill. He had stumbled back, and quickly shoved his tray on the table behind him, knowing how close Vanessa liked to get to people.

“Hey, Pat! I was wondering if you could help us with preparations this weekend for next week’s volleyball game?” She batted her eyelashes at him, stepping impossibly closer. 

“I-uh, I’m really sorry Vanessa, but I’m all booked this weekend.”

“Surely you could make time for me, yeah? Aren’t I your favorite?” Vanessa said sweetly. His favorite? He didn’t have a favorite, that would be unfair to the others! Patton, of course, wouldn’t say that to her, lest he hurt her feelings.

“I’m sorry, I really don’t have time! I’m doing a lot of things this weekend and don’t have any room. I barely have time to sleep and-” he was cut off as Vanessa drew a finger down his chest. “W-what are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” She purred, winking at him.  _ Get off, get off, geT OFF- _

“He already said no, Vanessa Cordill.” Came a voice from behind. Turning his head, he saw none other than Logan Danrow seated at the table he had run into. Vanessa backed up a few steps, glaring.

“Logan?” Patton asked, shuffling towards him so he was farther away from  _ her _ . 

“Wait, Pat, you  _ know _ this prick?” Vanessa spat,  _ very _ different from the person he had been talking with moments prior. He nodded.

“Well, yeah, we know each other from- er, yeah we know each other.” he stammered out, hands fiddling with his bracelets. It was getting harder to breathe.

“Again, Vanessa, he already said he was busy. You may leave, lest your boyfriend sees you.” Logan stated flatly, gaze returning to his book. Glancing back towards Vanessa, she pulled a small notepad out of her purse and scribbled something on it, handing it to him once she had ripped it out. 

“Just in case you change your mind,” Was all she said before turning around and skipping back to her table to hang with her tennis friends.

Logan turned a page as Patton sat down across from him. Logan glanced back up at him in surprise. 

“You want to sit here?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “I was under the impression that you wished to sit with your friends.”

“Aw, but Logan you are one of my friends!” Patton grinned, grabbing his previously abandoned tray. “Plus, it seems no one needs my help, so until they do, I’m here! I do feel guilty, though…” 

“What do you feel guilty about? I’m afraid I do not understand.” Logan stated, setting his book down. 

“It’s just… I’m sure I could’ve fit Vanessa’s activity somewhere in my schedule…” he bit the inside of his cheek. “If I just cut my study time by an hour I could have fit her in, y’know?” He fiddled with the stem on his apple, breaking it off with a wince. “I probably could still tell her, actually!”

“No,” Logan said when he went to stand up. “You should not cut your study time to help someone who has enough help. Your grades are important. Vanessa will be fine.”

Patton slumped back into his seat, chewing on his lip. “I suppose… I just… I want to help people. They’re counting on me.” he wiped at a tear threatening to fall. Logan tapped his fingers against the table. 

“Patton,” he started. “How often do you help people?”

“Not enough,” Patton admitted with a hiccup. “Most of my weekend is booked, but I’m sure I could do more if I moved things around. I’m sorry for invading your time, Logan, I’ll leave if you want me to.”

“Nonsense,” Logan waved his hand through the air. “I wasn’t doing much anyway. You know, most people don’t even do half the things you put yourself up for. Do you spend all your free time for others?” At Patton’s nod, he continued. “I recommend taking a weekend for yourself, at the very least.”

“I don’t know, mayb-”

“HEY PATTON! Can you help us?” a member of the Drama Club, Canin, yelled from across the cafeteria, jogging over to him. “Auditions are coming in a couple weeks and we need help choosing a musical to do!” Canin begged. Patton spared an apologetic glance at Logan before following after Canin. 

\--

In the final period of the day, the class was told to fill out a worksheet on the periodic table using stations around the room. They were separated into teams of three, Patton’s teammates being Angelica Carter and Skye Johnson. Once they were sent to a station, all three got to work. Well, Skye and Patton did. 

Skye was especially smart at science, telling him their dream job was to become an astronomer one day, and to be the first nonbinary person in space. Patton told them that their name was fitting, which caused Skye to burst into giggles. 

Angelica, on the other hand, wouldn’t do anything. Once Skye confronted her on it, she claimed that she couldn’t do anything because she didn’t have a pen or pencil. 

Just as Patton was about to offer her a pen, he was struck by the memory of himself offering a pen to Virgil on his first day. 

Whenever he offered a pen or pencil to others, he almost never got it back, and this was the same situation with Virgil. 

Patton had finished filling out his paper, and once he glanced at Virgil the first thing he noticed was the pen in his hands. Patton had wanted so bad to ask for it back, since it was his second-to-last one. But he hadn’t said anything.

And now he was here, feeling guilty that we couldn’t give Angelica a writing utensil.  _ God _ , this was just not his day, huh? First he couldn’t help Vanessa, then he couldn’t help the Drama Club choose between Little Shop of Horrors and Hairspray, and now didn’t even have a simple pen for Angelica.  _ He was such a  _ _ failure _ . 

“Maybe the teacher has something?” He offered, Skye returning to the project. Angelica shrugged and walked over to Ms. Alstor. 

  
  


And even when Angelica had returned, she didn’t help. At all. All Skye did was roll their eyes and mumble under their breath.

Patton didn’t say anything.

  
  
  


All three got an A.

\--

Patton arrived late to Sanders’,  _ again _ . He had gotten caught up once Jasmine Illes, Vice President of the Student Council, tried to convince him to help out with the volleyball event. He had just barely gotten away with his established schedule intact.

He bursted into the lobby, signing in before Katrine, the one in charge of the front desk, let him in while informing him that the group should still be in the check-in room. He rushed in, Virgil and Logan looking up at him when he entered. Roman was spinning around in his chair, but quickly stopped to greet Patton.

“Sorry I’m late! I got caught up because this girl from school, Jasmine, asked me if I could do something with the Student Council on the weekend.” he quickly announced, taking a deep breath soon after. He grabbed a sheet before plopping down in the nearest chair, taking a few moments to catch his breath. 

“Jasmine Illes?” Roman asked. “I know her.” Patton raised an eyebrow.

“You go to Fieldrow? Haven’t seen you there.” Patton said, scribbling out answers.

“Oh, yeah, I just… don’t have the opportunity to go there often.” he replied, looking at the ground awkwardly. Patton was about to say something when Virgil spoke up.

“Yeah, I go there, too,” he muttered, Logan piping up in agreement.

“Aw cool! It’s still the beginning of the school year, maybe we could all join a club that meets on the weekends so we can hang out more!” Patton grinned, looking around at the others. 

“I’m not very interested in joining clubs,” Logan started. “I would consider it if it were the Science or Math clubs, but neither of them meet on the weekends.”

“And I don’t really…  _ do _ clubs. At all.” Virgil continued. Patton let out a small ‘aw’ before turning to Roman.

“What ‘bout you, Roman?” he asked, not acknowledging Logan’s small flinch at the bad grammar. 

“Well… I suppose I was thinking about joining the Drama Club… I’m just not sure if it’d work with… me” Roman shook his head. “I’ll decide once they pick a musical.” 

Virgil snorted, which caused Roman to let out an indignant ‘wha- hey!’.

“Y’know, I don’t know why I didn’t peg you for a theater nerd earlier, Ro’. It makes perfect sense.” was all Virgil said before Becca quieted them down and told them to start sharing their answers. 

\--

Once inside the therapy’s cafeteria, Patton was confronted by Charlie. 

“Hey, Patton! I have a new exposure for you.” she greeted. “You ready?”

“Um, hold on-” Patton flipped through his binder, before landing on the page he wanted. He whipped out his pen, and continued. “Yep!”

“Alright, this one’s pretty simple but fits what we’re working on with you! All you need to do is ask a staff to borrow a pen and not return it by the end of the day.” Patton stared at her with wide eyes. His life seemed to be revolving around pens, recently, wasn’t it? 

“Do I… do I get to return them next week? Cause, y’know… it’s Friday.” he asked, fiddling with his bracelets. Charlie shook her head.

“It’s better not to. Because, in the future, if you accidentally steal a pen from someone, we don’t want you to freak out much. So it’s better to fight that feeling by keeping them!” she smiled. “I know you’ll do great, Patton.”

Patton scribbled it down in his binder reluctantly. He really did want to refuse the exposure, but that would make Charlie disappointed in him, which would make her feel bad. And Patton  _ hated _ making other people feel bad. So, discomfort it was. 

\--

Patton found himself in front of the two other counselors’, Harley and Ramona’s, office. Peeking through the window he saw that only Harley was present. He knocked on the door before walking in.

“Hey, Patton,” She greeted. “Whatcha need?”

Patton put on his default smile.  _ Act happy, not stressed,  _ he told himself.

“Heyo Harley! I was just wondering if I could borrow a pen?”

\--

After 9 minutes, he had cycled through Becca, Katrine, Ramona, and Vicki. He figured it would be pretty stupid of himself to ask Charlie, so he had to start back at the beginning.  _ Oh dear, what am I supposed to say? _

He didn’t have much time to mull it over before Virgil skidded to a stop in front of him. He barely had time to greet him before Virgil was huffing out a response. 

“Hey… Patton… sorry one second… gotta catch my breath…” he panted. Patton smiled at him.

“M’kay… This is stupid now that I think of it, but I’m just… Exposures really stress me out, and I have this one where I’m supposed to knock on a staff’s door and just…  _ leave _ before they can open it.” Virgil started, curling into his hoodie.

“What’s the problem?” Patton prompted when Virgil stayed silent.

“It’s just…  _ really _ anxiety provoking and- ugh y’know what, it really is stupid, I’ll leave-” Patton grabbed his arm before he could run off. Virgil stilled.

“Virgil! It’s not stupid, Sanders’ can take a  _ lot _ to get used to. Roman was stressed on his first exposure day, too! Now, I know it’s not your  _ first _ day, but it still counts! It’ll take a bit to get used to, but it helps in the end!” Patton smiled. “Wanna hug?”

“Erm, no thanks, physical contact scares me. But, ah, thank you. That… helped.” Virgil gave him a small, awkward smile. Patton cherished it. “I am a bit confused, though,” he continued. “It’s about Roman. He said something about  _ my _ first day being his second  _ proper _ day, and I was wondering how long he’s been here? Sorry if that was confusing.”

“Don’t worry, I know what you meant. Roman’s first day was Monday, and he started exposures on Tuesday, I think. And then on Wednesday, you came!” Virgil nodded at this, seeming satisfied.

“Now go on!” Patton prompted, gesturing to the staff hallway. “You’ll do great!”

\--

Patton walked into his house, pulling out his phone almost immedietly. He had a plan.

  
  


-

  
  


** _Therapy pals!!_ **

{ Patton }  { Heyo!! I made a group chat for us all !!! }

{ Is everyone excited for the weekend?? I am!! }

| Virgil |  | ah, weekends. my favorite days of the week to hate myself |

{ VIRGIL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

| lmao |

( Logan ) ( My weekends are spent studying, I’m impartial to them. )

[ Roman ] [ Uhhh youre Logan right? Dont have you saved on my phone yet ]

( *you’re *Don’t )

[ Yup thats Logan ]

( I don’jehgfvurkghds )

| wait what |

[ Holy shit ]

{ Roman, language!!! }

{ And are you okay logan!?!?!? }

[ Santa mierda ]

| what? |

( I apologize, I was walking and a dog ran in front of me, causing me to trip. I am okay. And, Roman, is that Spanish? )

{ OH THANK GOD!!!! }

[ Yea it’s Spanish ]

{ Did you get a picture of the dog???????? }

( I was not aware you spoke another language, Roman. I suppose that makes sense, since you are so bad at English. And no, I did not get a picture of the dog, it ran off rather quickly after I tripped. )

[ HEY ]

{ Aw!! Well at least you’re okay!!! }

| i’m gonna put roman’s spanish thru google translate hold up |

[ Wait no ]

( Please use capital letters, Virgil. Plus, it’s spelled through. )

| ajsjfisdkf |

| patton |

| patton |

{ Oh no!! Is something wrong??? }

| no just uh |

| pls put roman’s spanish thru google translate |

( I cannot believe you. )

{ Alright… }

( Do you exist just to insult the English language? )

[ oh nooo my phones about to die ahhh ]

| nice try roman |

{ ROMAN!!!! Don’t swear, even in other languages! >:( }

[ Hey Virgil, i gotta tell you something ]

[ i hate u ]

| who doesnt |

{ Hate is a strong word, Roman. }

[ i know ]

{ VIRGIL NO!!!!!! I LOVE YOU LIKE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!! D: }

| did i just get adopted |

( It’s not adoption if it’s not in a legal document. )

{ YES YOU DID MY DARK STRANGE SON!!!!!!! ILY!!!! }

( Oh. )

[ Logan should be the mom ]

[ I’ll be the strange uncle who you only see once a year but might be a government spy ]

( What? )

| nah roman you’re like the kid next door |

[ Thanks..? ]

[ Wait did i just get kicked out of the family ]

( I’m afraid I don’t understand how I could be a mother, not even mentioning how Patton, Virgil, and I could even be a family. )

[ I cant believe i got kicked out of the family ]

{ Don’t worry, it’s a metaphorical family Logan!!! }

[ What did i do to deserve this ]

( But how am I a mother? )

( Is anyone going to respond? )

\--

// Private Conversation between Roman and Virgil \\\

[ I don’t hate you, by the way. ]

[ Like in all seriousness. ]

| lol don’t worry man i got that from the lack of good spelling and no capital letter |

| coz you don’t type like that usually |

[ Oh, good. I was hoping by doing that I wouldn’t come across as serious. ]

| yea |

| so uhhhhhhhh |

| hold on gotta think of somethin to say so this isn’t awkward |

| what musicals do you like? |

[ Congrats Virgil!! You just unlocked an hours long conversation ]

| wait no |

| eh nvm i wasnt doing anything tonight anyway |

[ Kay so im gonna start off with the popular ones ofc! ]

\-- --

Patton smiled as he looked over the conversation they all had. Because no matter what happened at therapy, by the end he knew he’d still have his new friends. He giggled to himself, feeling giddy. This was so exciting!

He glanced at the groupchat’s name, which at the moment was simply ‘ ** _Therapy pals!!_ ** ’, a spur of the moment decision by Patton. He bit his lip as he thought it over.

  * **_**_Patton changed the name of the group to FamILY! -_**_**

  
  
  


Patton smiled even wider than before. Tomorrow was bound to be a good day.

  
  
  


He was sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record, I got the spanish from google translate. I've been learning Spanish since 3rd grade but since I learned it through school I do Not know the swear words.
> 
> I made a tumblr account about this!  
astrozones.tumblr.com  
I'll try to post
> 
> Apparently there is no school called Fieldrow High School but it definitely sounds like one so I'm keeping it. As for the characters in this, I made them up on the spot. Vanessa Elizabeth Cordill (i just love her full name) will appear in future chapters to put Patton through more stress. Angelica Carter, Todd, Canin, and Skye Johnson probably won't appear again unless people want them to. They were just there to show how nice Patton is. Apologies if I messed up Skye's pronouns at any point, I looked through it in editing, but since I've been using masculine and feminine pronouns my whole life I'm not used to they/them. I'm working on it though! And now that I think about it Canin might appear in the background as a Drama Club member.
> 
> Also I have no idea why I made Logan's last name Danrow I just came up with it and though 'fuck it that works'. if you have a better suggestion please share
> 
> As for the staff, that being Becca, Vicki, Charlie, Katrine, Harley, and Ramona, I also made them up on the spot. I have no attachment to them. They just exist because they have to for the sake of the plot, and they're all based on the staff I encountered at my own therapy. And yes, the front desk lady, Katrine, is open for exposure stuff. But I digress, please don't think I'm including ocs as main characters. They'll have no character development, and their personalities aren't anything beyond what you see. They're background characters, just like Angelica, Canin, Skye, etc. 
> 
> The year is 2019 and it's the beginning of the school year. I don't know if I want to date this story yet, but MCR came back on Halloween, and while I was never emo myself (suprisingly) I'm sure Virgil would be excited. I don't know if I'll include the reunion or not. 
> 
> Should the Drama Club go with Little Shop of Horrors or Hairspray? Or something different? LSOH is my favorite musical ever but Hairspray is a good contender and has some bops. I'll be honest, I'm leaning towards LSOH but if yall say otherwise I'm willing to change it.
> 
> this is getting long but please tell me if you find the texts confusing! I'll change them if needed.
> 
> Question: What made you read all of this? What kept you reading? Is there anything about my story that stood out and made you want to continue? Just curious.


	4. Mother Logan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can finally end the Three Hours thing holy shit

Three hours.

Fifteen minutes.

Another hour.

Another break.

And so on and so forth, until it was exactly 8:45 p.m. and Logan would get ready for bed, and when 9:00 came around he would ideally be sleeping, no electronic devices in sight.

It was the perfect schedule for a weekend of study. And Logan sure did need it, he was only a couple months ahead in the curriculum, which was a month less than where he _ should _be right now.

But just as Logan sat down to start, his phone chimed. Logan was 100% prepared to ignore it, but the voice told him he had to pick it up. The metaphorical voice, of course. Now that he knew how to identify it, he knew it was either his OCD or anxiety, and oftentimes both. 

Logan stared at the book in front of him, not moving in the slightest. He knew it was stupid, he didn’t have to check anything. But, he could still anxiety rushing through his body.

He picked up the phone and went through his texts, feeling relief almost instantaneously. 

  
  


** _FamILY!_ **

{ We should all hang out today!!! }

[ Wait whend the chat name change ]

| like last night roman where were you |

[ Sleeping??? ]

| sleep? who’s she never heard of her |

[ And going back to Patton i am free today ]

{ Yay!!!! }

| my parents are gonna force me to do homework if I don’t, so sure |

{ !!!! }

{ Logan? }

{ We can see you’re online!! }

( I’m afraid I am busy today. I’m studying. )

{ I thought you were ahead in the class?? }

( Yes, I am. But I am not where I want to be. )

{ Aw, Logan!! You should take time to not overwork yourself!!! }

( I do. And I was under the impression that you were busy this weekend. )

[ And i oop- ]

| i can’t believe roman’s a vsco girl |

[ sksksksk ]

| that wasn’t an invitation. |

{ I am for most of the day!! I was thinking we could have a sleepover!!!! ^-^ }

| wait so i do have to do my homework? |

| i’m willing to do it if it means i get to punch roman when he acts like a vsco girl again |

[ Id like to see you try ]

{ I would very much prefer there to be no punching, but it’s great to see you’re both in!!! }

{ And Logan? }

( ... )

( I suppose I can think about it. )

{ OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

{ We have the whole famILY :3!!! }

| huh I thought roman would’ve had something to say about that. |

{ I do have some bad news though ;-; }

{ My parents are repainting our living room and don’t wanna risk anyone messing it up :( }

{ So I was wondering if either of you were willing to host? Not Logan because he’s still considering it }

| ugh i should’ve been more picky about it and I wouldn't have to go through this |

| well my room’s too messy and it’d take more than the day to clean |

{ Well, Roman??? }

{ Roman?????????? }

[ Wait what ]

[ Sorry one of my posters fell down and i had to fix it ]

[ Lemme read through the chat ]

| lmao |

[ … ]

[ asdkfldsaihateyouvirgildksfl i suppose i can do it ]

| hey i see that |

[ My parents are out for the weekend so yea ]

{ !!!! YAY!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

\-- --

Logan’s anxiety was yelling at him once more, telling him he needed to put the phone down. Ever compliant to the voice, he put it in a drawer under the desk. A little unnecessary, sure, but it made him feel better.

Logan shook his head, the voice driving into him once more. He was off-schedule! That’s 10 minutes of studying, _ wasted _ . He was certainly going to fail, all it would take was one set off his system and he’d get _ addicted _ to the freedom it promised. 

He took out his pencil, and arranged the books around him to be exactly how he wanted. If it wasn’t, it would be unbalanced, and _ that _ certainly wouldn’t do. 

Because everyone knows you can’t study unless you have a _ perfect _ workspace.

Right?

\--

Logan was outside his house, door in front of his face. He huffed.

His parents had kicked him out for a couple hours, telling him he had to go outside for once instead of staying holed up in his study room.

They didn’t get it.

They didn’t get why it was _ wrong _.

According to them, Ramona Steers, a staff from Sanders, had told them all the ins and outs of what they needed to help Logan get better, and that making him go outside was one of them.

Originally, they said he’d have to be out for 5 hours, but once he told them about the sleepover situation, they had agreed to take an hour off.

So, he was going to a sleepover, he had 4 hours outside, $100 to spend as he wished, and nowhere to go.

\--

Logan walked into the popular local café, The Lolapad, known for it’s fantastic drinks, welcoming aesthetic, and it’s kind owner, Lola Margove. 

Lola was at the counter today, alongside her coworker… Patton?! Logan narrowed his eyes, Patton had never talked about a job, and Logan was a frequent visitor to The Lolapad. Logan knew he had to question him about it.

Well, once he got through this excruciatingly long line, anyway.

The only downside to The Lolapad was its popularity. With it being this early in the morning, it was full of daytime workers preparing for the long day ahead of them. Logan sighed.

He admired the decorations. The floor was a deep blue, to mimic water. The tables were designed like lilypads, and the chairs had a flower pattern. The walls were purple, with painted vines crawling up in some corners of the room.

The ceiling decor was the most impressive, though. Soft, blue lights and glass hung on wires from the ceiling, almost like bubbles flying towards the sky. There was no competition that would ever pass The Lolapad, at least not anywhere nearby.

He recognized a few students lounging in chairs, mostly consisting of the upbeat, extroverted club members.

And, if he was right, one Vanessa Cordill, with her boyfriend, Jace Lendell.

_ God, _ he despised Vanessa. She had been a huge bully in the past, only stopping after he stopped reacting to it. Logan hardly had anything to do in class, having learned all of this in his own time, and his teachers would yell at him the moment he picked up a book to study ahead of the curriculum. So, seeing what his classmates were doing was the only interesting option.

And oh, Logan _ saw _. 

He was never one for gossip, but he remembered so many things.

And most of it had to do with Vanessa.

Like that time she had snuck a _ gun _into the bag of the boy beside her- Victor Jackson. Victor was taller, and larger, and had a mean-looking face. For anyone who got to know him, though, he was very sweet, and hated hurting people.

Victor was expelled the next day.

Logan had, of course, defended Victor. But Vanessa was convincing, lying her way through her nice girl act until the principal was convinced.

So, Logan did what he did best. He collected evidence. And, once he felt as though he had enough, he would report her.

But until then, he was forced to stand by and watch as Vanessa got to do whatever she wanted.

She was like a villain out of a bad movie, or a crappy fanfiction.

“Oh, Logan!” Patton’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Logan was at the front of the line, apparently. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Neither did I,” he responded. “When did you start working here?”

“Oh, no, I don’t usually work here! Jessalyn asked me to replace her today, well, she asked last week- so I’m working here for a couple hours! Lola was okay with it, she’s really nice y’know? And-”

“Are you getting paid?” Logan asked. It would be rather selfish of Jessalyn to keep all of the money, at least in his opinion.

Patton shook his head. “Nuh-uh. But I’m okay with it though! I like helping people. Now, what can I get ya?”

\--

Logan found himself on a swing at an empty park. He had finished his drink, and was now letting himself go back, and forth, back, and forth. He wasn’t the biggest fan of attempting to do anything… potentially dangerous, but he found softly letting himself go back and forth was a good way to collect his thoughts.

The birds chirped in the background as the sun shone above him. Everything was as it should be, but he couldn’t stay too long at the risk of getting a sunburn.

He heard a text come in, and he pulled out his phone.

** _FamILY!_ **

{ If your son gets burnt by the sun, is it a sonburn? }

\-- --

Logan smiled slightly as the replies came in from his friends, all exclamations of distaste as Patton sent a plethora of emojis, that mostly being-

Oh.

Wait.

His _ friends _.

…

Hm.

Not that he was against that, of course, but the immediate reaction of calling them his friends was, well, a little unnerving. He had always been the quiet one, and had a few friends in the past, though they had all moved away to other towns or cities or _ whatever _. He didn’t care.

And if his new friends did the same, he would be okay with that. Yes, he would _ definitely _be okay with that. If they cared, they would contact him, and if they didn’t, he was okay with that. There was no use fighting it, after all that would only give him more time to study.

As it should be.

He put his phone away, no use replying, as he had already agreed to go to their sleepover.

  
  


He heard giggling from behind him. He was brought back to the real world, only to find that he had slowed to a stop. Logan turned his head around.

There stood a small being, maybe 6-7 years old, and definitely a child. He had a light brown mop of hair on his head, and donned a red-black-green coat and tiara. He stood to face… _ it. _

“Hi! I’m Adrian!” the kid said, stuttering over the ‘r’. “What’s- did you just get done from a- a- 

‘businesses’ meeting or somethin?”

Logan looked down at himself. He wasn’t even wearing a tie today… he had a simple black button-up shirt, and jeans. What about this screamed ‘professional’?

“No,” was all he said in response. 

“Are you- are you gonna go to a businesses meeting?”

“No. I’m still in high school.” At this, the miniature human named Adrian grinned, and he could practically see the metaphorical sparkles.

“That’s so cool! I’m only in firs’ grade, but Mommy says I’m gonna be 7 in-” Adrian started counting on his fingers. “15 months!”

“What… do you mean 15 days?” he asked, it was either that or 15 weeks. Adrian nodded excitedly. What he was excited for, Logan couldn’t tell.

“YEAH! I’m gonna be so smart!” Adrian boasted, causing Logan to smile slightly. “Do you wanna come play wif me?”

“I- er-” he was cut off as the 6-year-old grabbed his hand and tugged him along towards a large willow tree.

“I’m gonna show you my friend- her name is Joy! She has _ two _ dads, isn’t that so cool! Some people make funs of her for it- but I find it cool! She’s really funny, there she is!” He pointed towards a girl, presumably 6 as well, in a princess costume, and very red hair. 

“JOY! I FOUNDS US A FRIEND FOR OUR TEA PARTY!” hold on, _ tea party _?!

“It’s Princess Joy now,” the girl stated, surprisingly strict for someone so small. “Who is he?”

“Dis is Logan!” Adrian said, adding in a whispered, “he’s a buisnesses man”

“Hold on-” Logan tried. He suddenly found the purple princess in front of him, eyebrow raised. Was he about to get judged by a child?

“Hmm,” Joy said, looking him up and down before nodding. “He may stay.”

She turned around and strutted back to where she was sitting before. She dusted off her skirt before plopping down on the ground, gesturing for them to sit near her.

“We don’t have an actual table, so we gotta pretend.” Adrian whispered to him before skipping over and sitting near Joy. Logan reluctantly joined them. 

“Princess Adrian, may you please pour the tea?” Joy instructed. Adrian nodded, miming the actions of pouring.

“Princess?”

“Yes, Peasant Logan,” Logan jerked his head back, this _ kid _\- “Princess is longer than prince so’s it’s better than a prince. Princess Adrian and me are both princesses.”

“Prince and princess are equal titles.” Logan said. Joy actually looked _ offended _.

“Impossible.”

“Yeah!” Adrian chimed in, sitting himself down in his spot. “Everyone knows that.”

“But-”

“Princess Adrian! That’s rude, Logan’s a peasant so he didn’t know.” Joy said, taking a ‘sip’ of imaginary tea.

“Oh! Sorrys Logan.” Adrian’s voice lowered, and if Logan was right he was on the verge of tears?

“Er… It’s okay Adri- Princess Adrian.”

Adrian brightened. “YAAAY!” he cheered, getting up and bouncing around him. Logan didn’t know what to do-

“That is not princess behavior, Princess Adrian.” Joy said, turning up her nose. Adrian looked confused.

“It isn’t?”

“Princesses are more quiet. I’m 7, so I know better.”

“I’m 17,” Logan cut in. Joy turned to him.

“And? You’re still a peasant, Logan. I don’t makes the rules,” Joy put her cup of tea down. “I only knows them.”

Logan was about to respond, when-

“Woah, hey what’s going on here?” another voice said. Turning around, Logan saw Roman enter their little… _ area _ behind the leaves. He sighed.

Adrian gasped from beside him, nearly tripping over his feet in order to get to Roman. He peered up at him.

“Are yous a prince?” He asked, practically vibrating where he stood. Roman scoffed.

“Of course I am, I’m Prince Roman! I just lost my crown.” Roman announced. Adrian glanced at Joy, who nodded, causing Adrian to smile.

“I’m Princess Adrian! That’s,” he turned back around to point at Joy and Logan. “Princess Joy and Peasant Logan.” Roman, the bastard, hid his giggles behind his hand. Logan glared.

“Peasant Logan didn’t knows that princesses are higher than princes cause princess is longer. That’s true, right?” He asked, dragging Roman along to sit with them. Roman looked at Logan, smug.

“Of course! It’s common knowledge! For shame, Logan!” Roman exclaimed as he sat.

“For shame!” Adrian repeated. Logan groaned, shoving his face into his hands. This is _ not _ how he thought his day would go.

He felt a small hand pat his knee, and he looked up to see Joy looking at him with a sympathetic frown.

“It’s okay, Logan. Not all of us can be royalty.” She said, before returning to her princess persona and commanding, “Princess Adrian, would you may please pour Prince Roman some tea?”

  
Adrian nodded, standing up and dashing around the ‘table’ to give Roman his… ‘tea’.

“Thank you, Princess Adrian, I am forever in your debt.” Roman mock bowed from his sitting position. Adrian giggled before returning to Joy.

“Once we are done with our tea, we shall help you find your crown, Prince Roman.” Joy said before taking another sip.

“Of course. Thank you, Your Highness,” Roman faked taking a sip of his tea. “I must say, this tea is quite delicious! I commend your skills, Princess Joy.”

Joy preened at the praise, resituating the tiara on her head. “Thank you, Prince Roman. It is greatly appra- appre- appreciated.” 

Minutes of his free time went by as they all mimed sipping tea and making small talk. Well, all except Logan. That quickly changed once Joy prompted him to start drinking, with Adrian and Roman piping up in agreement. Begrudgingly, Logan followed through.

Eventually, Joy stood up and announced that they had all finished their tea, and had to search for Roman’s crown. Logan argued that Roman’s crown didn’t exist. Joy said he was just a peasant and didn’t know what he was talking about. That shut Logan up pretty quick.

So, he was dragged around on the search for a crown he was certain didn’t exist. Joy separated them into teams, Roman and Joy on one, Logan and Adrian on the other. She said her reasoning was ‘one to search and one to protect’, with both her and Adrian on the search side.

Logan silently followed Adrian around as he set out to find it, looking in the places it couldn’t even _ be _ at times. 

“Logan!” Adrian whispered, tugging on his sleeve. “Logan look! Issa bunny.”

And it was. A cream colored rabbit was frozen staring at them, ready to move at any sudden movement. Hm, that reminded him of Virgil… or was that rude?

He watched as Adrian slowly crept up on the rabbit. Logan looked around to find Joy and Roman. He saw Joy’s bright purple dress… in a tree? Roman was right next to her, carefully following to catch her if she fell while she was searching the tree.

He turned once more to Adrian, only to find him cuddling the bunny. Odd… if it were wild, it would have bolted the moment he came too close, so this one must be socialized. He walked towards Adrian and the rabbit.

Adrian smiled at him as he approached.

“I named him Jerry!” Adrian whispered, extending the rabbit towards Logan. “Wanna pet ‘im?”

Logan reached out to Jerry, only to jump back when it tried to _ bite _ him.

“Bad Jerry! Don’t bite people!” Adrian reprimanded the animal, as if it were a dog and not a _ clearly aggressive rabbit. _

Well, at least when they brought it over to the other two it attempted to bite them, so at least it wasn’t exclusively Logan. It seemed to only like Adrian, to Adrian’s delight and Joy’s distaste. They were quickly corralled into a game of House by Joy, the quest for Roman’s crown forgotten.

Joy claimed herself as the father, saying, “I have two dads so I have to be the dad!”. Both Roman and Adrian nodded in agreement at her claim. She pointed to Logan.

“You shall be the mom!”

“** _What-_ **” 

“You act like a mom so you are a mom.” She cut him off, turning to Adrian and Roman for confirmation. They both agreed, Roman looking amused at Logan’s sneer.

“I’ll be the kid!” Adrian announced. Joy nodded and pointed to Roman.

“You can be the dog! Because you remind me of the golden dogs.” She said. Logan would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been put in a worse situation. Roman nodded, looking determined.

“Woof,” was all he said. Joy nodded once more.

“Perfect.”

—

So Logan found himself playing a game of House, something he hadn’t done in _ years _. He interacted as little as they would let him, dear god if another student came and saw him like this, he wouldn’t survive.

He ended up there for far longer than he had wanted, a total of 6 hours since he was kicked out. Yet he was reluctant to leave, he knew it would break the kids hearts if he did.

He was finally freed from his metaphorical prison when a voice called,

“Adrian! Come on, we gotta drop off Joy at her dads’ house!” A woman called. Logan glanced at Adrian.

“Is that your mom?” he asked. Adrian nodded, turning to the two older men. He gave them both hugs, first Logan, then Roman. He even gave Roman his tiara, saying he was sorry they couldn’t find his crown, and he had more tiaras at home. He turned as Joy stood up and they both sprinted towards Adrian’s mom, well, only after Adrian had picked up Jerry.

Both of the remaining boys watched, amused, as Adrian seemed to argue with his mother before she gave up and let Jerry in the car. Before Adrian got in the car, though, he turned to the boys.

“Bye-bye Logan! Bye-bye Prince Roman!” he shouted, before disappearing into the car. 

  
  


“So,” Roman started, and Logan mentally prepared to be poked fun at.

“See you at my house in a couple hours?” Logan blinked, once, twice, before he realized that he _ wasn’t _being made fun of for playing with children for several hours. Well, he supposed that made sense, as Roman had done the same.

“Uh… sure.” Was all he said before making his way back home.

—

Logan was stressed, to say the least, when he got home. His parents were happy that he stayed out for longer than they had offered, but all Logan’s mind would acknowledge was that _ he went off schedule. _ He was going to be _ so _ behind, this is why you don’t go off schedule, Logan! You get looped into it, and you’ll never get out of it.

He dedicated the rest of his free time to studying.

  
  
  


As it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ffs I didn't even have any plan for this chapter but I somehow got a plan for next chapter with the sleepover and shoved some children in Logan's face
> 
> I hope y'all like Fake (or is it?) VSCO girl Roman because it's my personal belief that Roman is a walking meme.
> 
> Honestly? At the start of the park scene I had just planned to have Logan interact with Adrian for a bit then move on but I knew I had nothing else planned for Lo and it kinda just kept going, not that I'm complaining.
> 
> If y'all want Princess Adrian and Princess Joy to reappear I am 100% on board with that. I didn't plan to become attached to them, I only wanted Logan to interact with a child and made them up on the spot.
> 
> THEY WOULD NOT BE MAIN CHARACTERS STILL. This story is focused on the 4 main boys and the 4 main boys ONLY. I only include this because I lowkey hate it when people add their ocs as characters in the book who appear again and again. The only ones in this story are the SBH Staff, and that's only because they have to or the story will go nowhere. It's a group therapy au, gotta have the staff.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed and leave a comment fools ily
> 
> p.s. i might make a drawing of Joy on my tumblr?? My drawing style's pretty unique so I'm afraid my main account will be revealed if I do, but... I am looking to become more confident... If y'all want it, I'll be sure to give it to you <3 tumblr is astrozones byeee


	5. Virgil's Assumptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What can I say, Virgil makes some assumptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hey a lot of things have happened
> 
> I've been considering renaming this story to 'Close Your Eyes and See The Colors' because that's really dramatic and so is this story
> 
> but also like I've gotten attached to Sanders Behavioral Health as the title so :////
> 
> I ALSO started a new story that's a Wonderland AU ft. Prince of Hearts Roman bc i'm always a slut for wonderland.  
https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/50906371?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_261483697
> 
> plus I made a crackfic  
https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/50953975?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_261913702
> 
> anyway
> 
> i came up with some random things here like floriography roman and Virgil Makes Assumptions
> 
> im so tired but here you go
> 
> did I mention I'm so disappointed in this chapter

Virgil found himself in front of the door to Roman’s house, which was, frankly,  _ ginormous _ . His house was almost as dramatic as he was, for God’s sake! He shuffled around at the doorstep, working up the courage to ring the doorbell.

He just had to force himself to do it! Just reach out and press the button, no regrets!

He pushed the button.

_ Regrets. _

Roman had probably been kidding- right? They weren’t even friends yet, why would he have invited him? Well, technically Patton had invited Virgil and Logan to  _ Roman’s _ house, which was confusing in itself, but that wasn’t the point, the point was-

The door opened, Roman standing in front of him with a smile, but was quickly pushed aside as Patton launched at Virgil, trapping him in a hug.

“MY SON HAS ARRIVED~” Patton shouted, arms tight around Virgil. Roman looked amused.

“I- ok I guess we’re doing the son thing- erm, can I breathe? Please?” He wheezed out. Patton let him go, cheery disposition not faltering in the slightest.

“Patton got here about 10 minutes ago, Logan has yet to arrive,” Roman started. “You’re welcome to come in.”

“Ah, right.” Virgil skirted around the boys and into the house. He looked around.

It had a very, well, home-ly feel to it. The windows allowed a few streams of light into the room, and a viewing of the sunset. The floor was mostly carpeted, from what he could see, and he was standing on the few bits of wooden floor there were. He assumed he was supposed to take his shoes off- or, wait, what if he was wrong?

“I think I understand why you’re so dramatic, now.” He said bluntly, turning to face Roman, who looked sheepish.

“Yeah, this place is pretty dramatic. My parents work a lot and are very stressed, so they like to have somewhere nice to return to. I’m really grateful I have all this, really, even if- well now I’m rambling!” he laughed. “You can take your shoes off and we can wait for Logan before I show you around?” he offered. Virgil nodded.

Roman told him to deposit his items in the corner of the living room as they waited. None of them said anything, just stared at random corners in the room waiting for someone else to peep up.

Virgil stood and walked over to the fireplace, which had a few books on the mantel. Virgil picked up a book that was titled 'The Hospital Is No Place To Meet Future Boyfriends' by Queen_Whovian_And_Everything_Else555.  _ Well that's a weird pen name for a professional author _ , he thought. He shrugged it off.

He noticed other books like ‘Waste Away’ from NicoAndTheNineGalaxies, and ‘April Fool’s (Would You Be So Kind) by TiredPanAndNotAFan. Okay, clearly either Roman or his parents had a weird obsession with weird author pen names.

“I didn’t know you could read, Roman,” he commented, looking over yet another book with a strange author. He smirked as he heard Roman splutter behind him.

“Hey! I totally read! Those’re my parents’ books though. Mine are in my room.” he explained. Virgil shrugged. 

“If you insist,” was all he got to say before the doorbell rang again. Patton nearly flew to the door to greet Logan, Roman following at a much slower pace. Virgil would’ve stayed in the living room, but followed them because, well,  _ anxiety _ .

Patton bounced around a very confused Logan, screaming about how ‘the whole family is here!’ Virgil was glad to be the one viewing the Magic (or Insanity, depending on who you ask) of Patton, rather than be on the receiving end. 

“If we’re all a family, excluding Roman, then why don’t we share the same last name?” Logan asked, trying to prove a point. It was a futile attempt.

“Well than we can make up a last name!” Patton dragged Logan into the house. “Why not Sanders! Get it? Cause we all go to Sanders Behavioral Health!” he giggled. Logan sighed, shaking his head.

“If you say so, Logan Sanders,” Virgil smirked. Logan glared.

“Aaaaanyways do y’all want me to show you around or are we just gonna stand here?” Roman interrupted. Logan physically cringed, but nodded.

And with that, they were off.

—

“Jesus Christ,” Virgil sighed, falling onto Roman’s bed. “I thought that ‘little’ tour was never gonna end!”

Roman snickered, letting the others into the room. “Yeah, it’s pretty large, my parents kinda just want the best for me… Sorry, that was a bit rude, wasn’t it?” Roman shook his head.

“Anyway, we’ll probably hang out here for most of the day, but we only have one guest room, so I was thinking 2 stay here and the others in the guest room? I mean, I’m claiming a spot for this room, so one more here and… yeah” Roman finished awkwardly.

“‘m not moving from this spot for at least a day,” Virgil mumbled, fiddling with the blanket he was on top of. Patton and Logan nodded, content with this plan.

“The guest room is similar to this, with a king sized bed as well, so it should be pretty comfortable for you guys!” Roman grinned at the two. “I’ll lead you back there, and you can get yourselves situated.”

“I’m staying here,” Virgil said immediately, causing Roman to laugh. They all chatted for a few minutes before the others left the room.

And Virgil was alone with his thoughts.

Maybe they had left him on purpose, maybe they were already bored of him. He heard Roman’s laughter from down the hall, and he shrunk into his hoodie.

_ Distraction- Find a distraction, Virgil. _

He glanced around Roman’s room. He had… a  _ lot _ of Disney posters, to say the least. A lot of musical posters in general, really. A Disney poster for just about every movie they had, even the more obscure ones. And the musical posters varied, from Mamma Mia! to Avenue Q, and Chicago to School of Rock.

Damn. To say he loved musicals would be an understatement. 

Virgil walked over to the bookshelf that Roman, surprisingly,  _ actually _ , had. He scanned the titles, finding a huge collection of fairytales. If they weren’t actual fairytales, they were twisted fairytales, he could only assume. With titles like ‘The Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister’ and ‘My Name is Rapunzel’.

The few titles he  _ did _ recognize were The Lunar Chronicles, a story following Cinder, who was essentially Cinderella if she was a cyborg, overthrowing a dystopia with other fairytale characters. The only reason he recognized that was because he had seen so many people reading it at school that he had eventually decided to pick up the book himself.

Virgil fiddled with his hoodie strings, needing to do  _ something _ that wasn’t crushing his head between the bookshelf and the wall behind it. He flopped down on Roman’s bed.

He couldn’t really describe  _ why  _ he had the impulse to do that. It was, to say the least, disturbing. But he could hardly  _ think _ when the  _ buzzing _ in his head was so loud. It was like a bundle of thoughts trying to push its way out, begging to be released. 

He felt annoyed that the only word he knew how to describe it with was buzzing, but he couldn’t think of anything else, just that it was  _ there _ and  _ it wasn’t right _ and it mentally  _ hurt _ . 

Virgil closed his eyes and just… well, he  _ existed _ . He tried to push the  _ thoughts  _ and  _ buzzing  _ out of his head by just letting go and focusing on the world, focusing on the little things that made him happy. Like outer space, like reading, like getting into a pool at  _ just the right temperature  _ on a hot day. Simple things. Simple, distracting things. 

He was having a hard time resisting the urge to use the harsh edge of the table beside him to cut his arm open.

_ He was fine, he was safe, he was  _ ** _okay_ ** .

And okay was an okay thing to be.

—

He was almost asleep by the time the others returned. The moment the door slammed open, he was sitting straight up and panicked. 

** _!!!TOO LOUD!!!!!!_ **

“Jesus Christ,” he started, rubbing at his eyes, trying not to let the panic show. His heart was going a mile a minute. “Warn a guy, yeah? I was almost asleep because you took so long.”

“Well jeez,  _ so _ rry I’m not psychic!” Roman jumped on the opposite side of the bed, the impact nearly causing Virgil to fly off his end. He glared at Roman, who smirked.

“So, what are we supposed to do until we sleep?” Virgil asked. Roman shrugged, and Logan looked indifferent.

Patton, however, bounced on his feet.

“Why not hide and seek? This place is big enough to have a lot of places to hide in! It could be fuuuuuun!”

Logan sighed, “I’m not particularly interested in playing children’s games.” was all he said. Roman fixed him an accusatory stare, which caused Logan to groan, before agreeing to play.

_ Err… what? _

Both Roman and Patton badgered him to join their game, and after a few minutes, Virgil relented, on the contract that he could be the seeker. He was  _ not  _ about to squeeze himself into a small space for an undetermined amount of time today, thank you.

They established a couple rules- no going outside the house, no revealing other’s spots, and they weren’t allowed to move many items, or they might break something.

They made a system where every participant would text Virgil once they were hidden, because they weren’t sure how many seconds were needed to hide in the obnoxiously large home.

Virgil had to wait in Roman’s room  _ once more _ until everyone was hidden. He even had to switch his notifications on (he usually had them off so they wouldn’t ring at inopportune moments. It was a valid fear, okay? He had notifications on for a lot of YouTubers.) just for this game. He hoped to a God he didn’t believe in that he remembered to switch them off before he went to sleep.

About 10 minutes later, he finally got the notification from Roman (the last one who had found a spot) that he was ready. He waited for a couple seconds more, the bed was  _ so _ comfortable, before forcing himself up and out of the room. 

He walked down the hallway to a railing at the end, overlooking one of the living rooms. From his vantage point of two floors up, he couldn’t see anyone, but that still was no certainty. Years of anxiety had forced him to check every place, and it was time to finally use that for something good.

He walked into a few more rooms, overanalyzing every place one could hide, even the more obscure ones. Nothing.

Virgil found himself in Roman’s mother’s room. Roman had only mentioned it on the tour, as with most of the rooms, saying, ‘My dad snores too much so my parents sleep in separate rooms.’

It was clean, not a speck of dust to be found, not a thing out of place.

At first glance, at least.

Virgil shuffled through the room, checking under the bed,  _ that was a lot of bottles _ , and in the closet, where he only found a bunch of family photos shoved into a corner. 

There was an apology note for Roman, dated 4 days prior, because  _ apparently _ his parents were extra, too.

He knew he shouldn’t read it, but… his curiosity told him he had to, and it was  _ right there _ and there were no good excuses for it, but he did it anyway.

The letter’s contents included Roman’s mother apologizing for not being able to be there that day, telling Roman he was a good son, and that she was so, so, sorry for not appearing until the next day. It was signed with a heart. 

Roman really had life going for him, didn’t he?

Virge couldn’t help but feel jealous. Roman had all of this, the whole house, anything he wanted, supportive parents, everything. While Virgil had grown up being pushed around and suffering, Roman was probably laughing and getting presents every day. It just didn’t feel fair. 

Why was Roman in therapy, anyway?

It didn’t add up. He was likeable, extroverted, fit, had kind parents, rich, and if Virgil was being honest, not bad looking in the slightest. So why was he there with the kids who had extreme issues? 

Maybe… maybe he had lied to get into the group, lied to get  _ attention _ .

**∨İгｇ¡🇱 ωαડ Ｓ໐, 🇸๏ ** ** _ш🇷०በ🇬._ **

He pushed his thoughts away with a sigh, giving the room a final once-over before leaving, closing the door behind him.

One more down, an insane amount of rooms left to go.

—

10 minutes later, he found Patton had contorted himself into an empty kitchen cupboard. It took 5 minutes to help him get back out. 

They chatted while Virgil searched, Patton was very careful not to give anyone away, to Virgil’s chagrin.

—

After searching for what felt like 30 minutes, they still had no clue where Logan or Roman were. Virgil slumped against the door to Roman’s room with a sigh, thumping his head on the wood.

“Y’think we can just hang here until one of them gives up?” he asked. Patton shrugged, causing Virgil to groan.

They chatted about nothing for a few more moments, before Virgil decided to speak up against something that had plagued his mind since he left Roman’s mom’s room.

“Not to sound rude but, do you think… Maybe Roman’s faking it? Like of course there’s a chance he isn’t, but, looking around, don’t you think it’s a ‘lil suspicious? He’s got everything he wants and he acts so happy all the time and… I dunno…” he finished awkwardly.

“I don’t know, Virgil, but I doubt it. Why would he want to fake being in therapy?”

“To laugh at us! To laugh at those of us who are actually suffering!” Virgil spat. Patton backed away a few steps.

“Calm down a bit there, kiddo… I’m sure Roman has issues of his own, just because it isn’t on the surface doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

  
  


Virgil allowed himself to be calmed down, Patton giving him an awkward side-hug once he had. 5 minutes later, they were participating in the game once more.

—

The room had thin walls.

—

Virgil eventually found Logan in the basement that Roman hadn’t shown them on the tour. Logan explained he had noticed the door and, seeing that Roman hadn’t explained it, decided to investigate.

Virgil groaned at his own stupidity.

—

When Virgil had finally found Roman, it was when he had completely given up.

“Y’know what? Fuck this,” he said, ignoring Patton’s disappointed stare. “I give up! I really do! Roman must know some weird, obscure hiding place that he didn’t show us. So yeah, I’m giving up.” Virgil threw open the door to Roman’s room and-

Roman was there.

Roman was  _ there _ , lounging on his bed, phone in hand, and looking at them expectantly.

_ Oh, for the love of God- _

“What took you so long?” he snickered, sitting up to face them. Virgil stammered to find the words he was looking for, and might as well include the right emotions he was trying to wrangle up, too.

“You- I- Found you.” He finally got out. Roman smirked.

“Nuh-uh! Thin walls!” he knocked on the wall behind him. “I heard you say that you gave up!” Virgil groaned.

“How long were you in here, anyway?” Logan asked. Roman smiled.

“I snuck in here after Virgil disappeared into another room! I’ve been chilling here ever since.”

For a reason Virgil couldn’t figure out, Patton looked concerned, and guilty.

—

After the game, Roman roped them all into watching Disney movies, which was no surprise to Virgil considering the amount of posters.

Virgil was a bit of a Disney fan himself, but he wasn’t going to let that slip out to these strangers, surely they’d make fun of him for it.

One might think that Virgil was being stupid for forgetting that the only reason they had been watching them in the first place was because Roman forced them to. But anxiety was a pull, constantly overanalyzing the most simple things and underanalyzing the more complex. It wasn’t a case of ‘this is a bad thing, I should be anxious’, it was ‘this could be a bad thing, I should be anxious. So many things can go wrong’.

And that could was warped into will, no longer a maybe, but a definite, no matter how the situation actually happened.

It wasn’t fun in the slightest. 

—

It was quiet.

Near silent, if it weren’t for the crickets chirping outside.

Patton and Logan had long since left the room to go to sleep. That left Virgil laying on the side of the bed he had claimed, silently scrolling through Tumblr, and Roman to get ready to sleep.

Roman had been staring at himself in the mirror for 10 minutes before Virgil took notice.

“You must really like yourself, huh?” Virgil deadpanned. This only supported his theory.

“Wha-” Roman jumped and spun around as he spoke, hand on his chest. “Oh, um… not really- WAIT I mean- uh- mOVinG On!” He cut himself off before glancing at the mirror once more.

_ Wait _ , he thought.  _ I’ve been a dumbass, haven’t I?  _

Virgil made a lot of assumptions.

_ Just because the mental diagnosis isn’t obvious doesn’t mean it’s not still there! _

“‘s there any like… weird hidden areas you know of ‘round here?” Virgil asked. Roman turned back to him, thinking.

“Wanna hang out on the roof?”

—

“I’M GONNA FALL!” Virgil shouted, clutching onto the gutter as if it were his only hope for survival. Roman snickered.

“C’mon, I’ve done this for years!”

“ _ We are three storeys high you bitch!”  _

—

Through a hefty amount of consoling, Virgil had finally reached the top of the roof, sitting on a small part of the roof that was flat, and clutching onto the chimney. 

“So you’ve done this since you were a  _ child _ ?” He asked. Roman was spread out on the slanted roof, seemingly indifferent to the fact that  _ one wrong move could send him to his death. _

“Mhm. I was the more adventurous type, if you couldn’t tell.” Roman glanced at him with a smirk. “But yeah. I find it calming up here, nothin’ to disturb ya but the wind. Plus, the stars are pretty.”

Virgil wouldn’t help but agree. 

“Didn’t take you for a space nerd,” he said. Roman turned back to face the sky.

“I’m not, really. It’s just pretty. The most I really know about is galaxies, because they’re  _ beautiful,  _ really. I recommend looking up the Rose Galaxy, it’s my favorite… sorry, I’m rambling.” Roman laughed awkwardly. “But other than that, I don’t know much. Just the names of a few beautiful places.”

“That’s better than nothing,” Virgil supplied. Roman hummed. “I like planets, personally. ‘Coulda guessed your favorite was based around roses though.” he laughed. Roman smiled.

“The whole Disney thing kinda gives it away.” Virgil added.

“I hate that you aren’t wrong. Floriography has always been an interesting topic for me. But to be fair, roses have different meanings based off of the color.” Roman sat up, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but was holding back. So, Virgil acted on a whim. 

“How so?”

It was like setting off a glitter bomb. Roman turned to him, and Virgil could practically see the stars in his eyes.

“WELL! Of course red roses mean love, yellow roses are for jealousy, pink is grace and elegance! Blue’s mystery, peach for gratitude, and purple are for pride and enchantment.” Roman paused for a second, calming himself down. “And I need some christmas roses.”

“What’re christmas roses?” he asked. Roman smiled. In his rant, he had scooched over towards Virgil, not enough to invade his space, but just enough that he was able to whisper,

“Well, I thought it fit well with the whole therapy thing,” he started. “But christmas roses mean relieve me of my anxiety.”

“Bitch I need some too!” Virgil said before nearly falling off the roof by laughing.

—

“I refuse to die crawling down a roof!”

“Well how else are you gonna get down, then?”

“I won’t. This is my home now. Just throw some food up here every now and then and I’ll be golden, because I  _ am not falling off a roof _ .”

“Oh my  _ god _ ,”

—

The beauty of a king sized bed, he found out, was that two, maybe three people, could fit on it without even having to be close to the other.

Virgil went to bed without even changing his clothes, a nasty habit he had picked up. He stared at the wall, willing his brain to recognize that it was time to sleep.

He felt Roman start shifting on the other end, another insomniac, before he spoke up.

  
  


“And I oop-  **OW** !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i was supposed to write something important here but i forgot
> 
> uh comment and stuff
> 
> uhhhhhhhh
> 
> I don't like how this chapter turned out. It seems forced and stiff to be but idk i don't think i can make it better.
> 
> next we have more roman angst i love my boy
> 
> oh and don't worry Virgil's not the bad guy- (well technically he is, because all of the boys are antagonists to themselves and no one else but yknow) he just makes assumptions and doesn't realize that thin walls exist. 
> 
> OH I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY ffs  
Aster's Galaxy Suggestion: other than the rose galaxy (it's my favorite and no i totally didnt project that onto roman im so sorry) i recommend you check out the whirlpool galaxy
> 
> tune in next time for another galaxy recommendation


	6. Roman Support Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this got angsty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record I have no idea where this went but if you wanted cryptic angst I have a supply

_ Faking it _ .

He was, wasn’t he? After all, Virgil had even said so, outside his room while they were playing their game.

He had everything he wanted, everything he  _ should _ want. All the movies he could ever want, all the  food he’d ever need, all the toys he could ever desire. This place was filled to the brim with anything and everything.

So why did he feel so empty?

He was  _ faking it _ , he was  _ nothing _ .

.

.

.

He was tired.

  
  


\--

Roman woke up from a dream. He couldn’t remember all of it, the details fleeing from his mind.

What he did remember was… running. Panicked gasps escaping his lungs as he ran as fast as he could.  _ Who was chasing him? _ A family. His family, or rather, dream family. He had been tortured, belittled, and hidden away from the world. He ran, he couldn’t stand to be there any longer.

He remembered being torn apart, feeling each limb ripped from his body, and  _ screaming _ .

_ Well that was a weird-ass dream. _

He stood up, stretching his definitely still-attached limbs as he gazed around his room. Same old, same old, except for Virgil and his stuff in the corner. That would be gone by the end of the day. 

He climbed up on the window seat, or whatever it was called, and opened the window. A cool breeze quickly found its way into the room, and hopefully no bugs would follow it.

He glanced up at the small sunroof paired with the alcove. There were a few stars still out, and he could see the Moon from his spot. He crawled through the window in front of him, still in his pyjamas. Nothing new.

Roman smiled once he had stood up outside. The gritty shingles under his feet was a familiar feeling, and a welcome one. He started walking up, carefully, as not to disturb Virgil with footsteps from the roof.

He reached the top, the roof evening out to be flat. He knew he had passed his room by now. He sat down, turning to watch the sunrise.

The birds chirped in the background, having woken up at the slightest sight of the Sun. There was a soft gradient from the orange of the rising sun to the blue of the night sky. 

He wished he was happy.

Even with all this, the peacefulness, the serenity, he felt empty. Something was missing. He felt that now, he had felt it last night, even while he was enjoying the night with Virgil. It was almost as if someone had dug a spear of pitch black ink into his heart and let it spread. 

_ Something was wrong. _

Something was wrong  _ and he didn’t know what. _

He felt like nothing. Numbness, flat, dull, whatever words could be used to describe it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.  _ He  _ didn’t matter.

Something was wrong. 

He stood once more and started walking across the roof, to nowhere in particular. The few stars left in the sky complimented the red spectrum of the Sun well, he noticed. The clouds were glowing with a soft amber, he should be content, shouldn’t he? But something was wrong. He didn’t know what was wrong.

Was there even anything wrong?

Or was he  _ making it up _ .

_ Faking _ it.

_ Liar. _

He hummed a nameless tune to himself, twirling once. Mornings spent watching the sunrise always helped him think.

“Oi, Princey!” came a voice. He turned to face it, finding Virgil had joined him on the roof, holding on to the window for dear life. “Why’d you leave?”

“Hello, Virgil. Apologies if I woke you, I just wanted to watch the sunrise.”

Virgil shook his head. “You didn’t wake me up,” he mumbled, turning around to squint at the rising sun. “You really do spend a lot of time up here, huh?”

“Mhm” was all he said before walking towards Virgil as the taller boy found his way back into the room, Roman following soon after.

It was a quiet day. 

Nothing new.

\--

Patton left in the morning, citing that he had agreed to help Kaden set up the Science Fair.

Logan departed soon after that, saying he wished to catch up on studying.

Which left Virgil as the only guest in the house.

_ He’s only staying out of pity. _

“Can we get food?” Virgil groaned from the bed, causing Roman to snicker before pausing his game of Minecraft. He was working on building a mansion, something that Virgil had found very amusing.

“ _ You already have a mansion _ ” he had said. “ _ You could PAY people to do it for you. _ ”

He didn’t know how much Roman hated having so much money when there were people starving on the streets. 

_ It’s not the time to reminisce, Roman. _

“We already had breakfast, though?” At this, Virgil sent a concerned glance towards him.

“That was like… 4 hours ago, and you didn’t even eat anything.” He deadpanned. Roman froze.

_ He didn’t need anything, he didn’t want anything, he has a small appetite.  _

“I suppose you’re right,” he said with a sigh. “I guess I am feeling a bit hungry. Let’s go, then?”

\--

“Holy shit,” Virgil said. “Lucky Charms? I haven’t had that in years!”

“Well, you’re welcome to have some, but also, Virgil, it’s  _ lunch _ .”

“Shush,” Virgil covered Roman’s mouth. “Nothing gets in the way of me and good food- EW did you lick my hand?!” Virgil took his hand back, retreating from Roman’s side in an instant. Roman smirked.

“I’m not afraid of germs and I’m willing to go through the necessary actions for my freedom!” He gestured dramatically, as if he were holding a sword. “Even if that means I have to lick someone’s hand to be able to talk.”

_ Cringe. _

Virgil snorted as he grabbed the box out of the cupboard. “Of course, nothing must get in the way of you and  _ talking _ ,” he smirked, before walking to the fridge.  _ You talk too much,  _ the voice in his head said. 

_ Shut up, _ he told it. 

“Hey, where’s your spoons?”

\--

Roman eventually decided on eating some watermelon, as it was sweet, but healthy. 

The only problem was that watermelon was  _ messy _ . Every bite he took only caused him to worry more about whether Virgil was judging him for his sloppiness. 

_ Disgusting, filthy, pig. _

He didn’t even process the fact that Virgil was looking at his phone. 

** _Idiot._ **

  
  
  


_ It hurt, it hurt, it hurt  _ ** _so bad._ **

Virgil stared down at his phone, not even processing it as he scrolled.

His head was swimming with thoughts, and it  _ hurt _ . He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t  _ breathe! _

He took a deep breath, counting in his head to match his breaths. 

It was okay. He could breathe.  _ He  _ was okay. 

No he wasn’t. He wasn’t and it  _ hurt _ . He wanted to  _ stab _ himself with the spoon. To feel the pain, to feel the thoughts leave his body as the blood dripped from his arm. To be able to think once more without wanting to bash his head into the table.

_ Deep breaths, Virgil. _

\--

Roman watched as Virgil dipped a hand into the water from his position on the deck.

“I’m seeing it, but I still can’t believe that you own a  _ lake _ .” He said. Roman smiled.

“You do realize it’s a rather small lake, right? It’s not like, one of the Great Lakes or somethin’.” he said, leaning back. Virgil shot a playful glare at him.

“Well, not all of us can be rich,  _ Prince Roman _ ,” Virgil flicked some water at him, causing Roman to splutter.

“What’s with the prince thing, anyway? I’d just assumed that nickname was just coming from a sleep-deprived creature earlier in the day.” He asked. Virgil paused, mulling over the ‘sleep-deprived creature’ remark. He seemed to accept it as he leaned back to match Roman’s position.

“It just kinda fits, y’know?” he gestured vaguely to Roman’s person, causing him to raise an eyebrow. 

“Pluuus, Logan told me ‘n Patton about whatever happened in the park yesterday.” his emo friend admitted. Roman snorted.

“Children are amusing.” Roman admitted. “At least I got better off than Logan, though.”

Virgil tilted his head. “What d’ya mean?”

“Logan didn’t tell you that the kids called him Peasant Logan, did he?”

He got to watch as Virgil doubled over in laughter, a couple “Peasant Logan?”s wheezed out. Roman soon joined in on the laughter as well. 

“Adrian and Joy sound iconic.”

“That’s  _ Princess _ Adrian and  _ Princess _ Joy to you,” Roman glared playfully at him, causing them both to go into another round of laughter. 

They chatted about the children for a while, Roman filling in the blanks of what Logan had skipped over, and Virgil telling him how Patton had reacted. Apparently, Patton was very distressed that he didn’t get to meet them.

And for a few minutes, everything was okay.

\--

_ This isn’t okay, _

Was the first thing to pop into his mind once he heard the front door open. Well, it came right after  _ fuck _ , but he figured the former was more pleasant.

It was 3:00 PM. 

His mother had come home, and Virgil was still  _ here _ . His mother didn’t know Virgil was here, and dear  _ god, _ Roman was gonna be in so much trouble. 

They were currently residing in Roman’s room, where the both of them were playing Minecraft. Virgil shot him a quizzical glance at Roman’s panicked expression.

“My mother’s home,” he explained. “I- uh, I’m just gonna go tell her you’re here, one sec’.”

He quickly departed the room, navigating through his home with practiced ease, after all, living here for 17 years, you gotta learn  _ something _ . 

“Hey, Mama.” he greeted. “I-”

“Not now, kid,” she groaned. “I just got home. Why don’t ya get something to eat, yeah? You’re too skinny, it makes you look bad.”

_Too skinny? _He was _too skinny?_ _He _was too skinny and yet every time he looked in a mirror he couldn’t even see half of what they were talking about. He was healthy!

Wasn’t he?

~~

Part of him, deep down inside, knew full well that he wasn’t. 

Knew full well that he was underweight for his age and height. 

Understood that  _ normal kids _ didn’t obsess over their appearance for hours. 

He knew he was unhealthy. But he couldn’t admit it. Not when all he saw was the failure of the tasks he put on himself.

God, he was sad. And pathetic. And stupid, and annoying, and obnoxious, and narcissistic, and needy and  _ god, _ he was so sorry to the people who had to deal with him.

Deep breaths, Roman.

Smile.

You’re a performer.

~~

“Sorry, Mama, but-”

“Could you help me with my bag, kid?” She interrupted. He grabbed her bag, preparing to speak again. “Thanks kid,” she continued. “Those clothes look bad, d’ya want us to buy you new ones?”

Roman looked down at himself. He really did have a bad sense of style. His choices were terrible, despite the fact that he had mulled over it for far too long before choosing them for the day. He felt sad.

_ You’re okay, just smile. _

“Sure, Mama, but seriously-”

“No need to talk so much kid, it’s annoyi-”

“Mom!”

His mother whipped around to glare at him.  _ Wait _ , he thought.  _ Oh no- _

“What’s so important that you had to interrupt me for?” She hissed. Roman winced.

“I- um, I just… wanted to tell you I invited a friend over yesterday and he’s… still here… sorry…” He felt small, so small. His mother scoffed, shooting him a ‘that’s it?’ before swiping her bag from his grasp and trudging down the hall, but not before telling him to ‘shut the fuck up, kid’.

Roman sat down after he had stared after her for half a minute. He fiddled with the edge of the carpet.  _ God, _ he was so stupid, wasn’t he? On the verge of tears for something as simple as that?  _ Grow up, Roman. You’ve been told worse. _

He felt dull.

Empty.

Numb.

_ Again. _

He felt like the second half of the song Upgrade from Broadway’s Be More Chill.

_ I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am. _

  
  
  


Virgil watched the encounter from the balcony above. That wasn’t… It wasn’t right to snap at Roman like that! He felt the dots connecting in his head as to the big picture of Roman. Things made sense that he brushed over before.

_ He brushed over before. _

God, he had been so stupid for assuming things about Roman, hadn’t he? He wished he could tell him sorry, but that would require telling Roman his previous thoughts, and he didn’t want to make him feel worse than he did.

Things could never be simple could they?

…

This was just the beginning, wasn’t it? He’d fuck something up eventually and ruin all of his new friends, all the kids who  _ needed help _ enough that they were  _ already _ in therapy. 

He forced himself to breathe, and it was like emerging from the bottom of the ocean.

_ Breathe. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I hated the last chapter? Yeah, it's been demoted to 2nd most hated chapter by yours truly. I have no idea where this went and it's sooo messy.
> 
> This is shorter than I had wanted, and for that I'm sorry. But I hope you like the Virgil inclusions, they're actually important to the plot ;). But anyway, this chapter was hard to write. I struggled to find motivation and vented my feelings through this many times from different situations. A lot has happened recently, I might go write some for my wonderland au after this because I'm a slut for fantasy.
> 
> tumblr is astrozones
> 
> Have nice day y'all!! If you don't I'll break your kneecaps :)


	7. Thanks Patton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well this is a doozy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took far too long to come out for it to be this bad

Patton hummed as he twirled around the room, listening to nothing but the rain. The rain was always a comfort, especially after a long day, or long weekend, or long week, or any extended length of stressing times, really.

For now, he was dealing with the aftermath of a  _ long _ week. He was tired,  _ so _ tired. Why did he put himself up to this? Sacrificing his ideal day for the sake of people who rarely even thanked him? He put aside  _ everything _ for these people, including the things that affected his  _ future _ . 

He shook his head,  _ no, no, Patt. Helping others makes you a better person. They matter  _ ** _more than you._ **

He flopped down on his bed, and fell asleep to the sound of soft raindrops. 

He had a long day tomorrow.

\--

All he wanted was to rest. To just lie down for a few minutes, or sit, or  _ anything _ really, anything that wasn’t rushing around the school for others, or having to discreetly work on a project for someone else during a class that he was failing. 

But now was no time to head home.

It was nearing the end of the day, he would have to head to therapy soon. Really, the therapy only intruded on his day, leaving him with less time to help his friends.

For example, Jessalyn had come up to him once more today, begging him to take her shift at The Lolapad once more,  _ just for today _ , she said,  _ from 4-5! _

If he had been able to take her place, it wouldn’t be  _ that _ much of a pain, either. His time there on Saturday had been pleasant, and he had gotten free food! Lola was a great baker. The only problem was that she would pressure him about payment.

“I can pay you,” she would say. “Jessalyn is nice, she wouldn’t mind if you got paid instead of her. She’d probably expect it.”

But Patton would just shake his head. “I can’t do that to her,” he’d respond. “I’m sure she had a good reason to be out today.”

Lola had given him a soft smile, before turning back to placing the treats in the display case, murmuring to herself. 

-

He had been given a small, 10 minute period during the shift to himself, to ‘calm down before heading back into the battlezone’, as Lola had dubbed it. He had been munching on a cupcake when Lola herself slid into the seat across from him, causing him to jump a little.

“I can pay both of you,” she started.

“Pardon?”

“I can pay both you and Jessalyn. We have the money available and it would break my heart to let you go without some sort of payment.” She continued. Patton sighed, fiddling with the cupcake’s wrapper.

“I really couldn’t, Miss Lola. It’s really okay to me! I enjoy helping others.”

Lola spent a few moments mulling over this, tapping her foot against the floor. Patton sat there awkwardly, waiting for her response.

“Patton, I really don’t know how to phrase this… uh, well, you’re a very good worker, you’re kinda and  _ incredibly _ patient, and surprisingly good at frosting cupcakes for someone who’s never done it before.” she reached across the table to grab his wrist, causing him to look her in the eyes.

“I would feel so guilty for not paying you! It doesn’t feel right for someone to work here for a full 6 hours and not get paid at least a little bit!” She pulled her hand back, fiddling with her necklace- a small lilypad pendant, specifically.

“I’m sorry, Lola- I really am. I- I should get back to working now,” he stood up quickly, finding his way into the back rooms.

He tried to ignore Lola’s disappointed look as he got back to working.

\--

“So,” Becca started, once they were all seated in the group room. “I have an announcement.”

Four pairs of eyes looked up at her. Patton was confused, almost certain that  _ he  _ had done something wrong, even when he couldn’t remember it himself. 

“Sanders is adding another group to our building! We won’t see them much, but you may see them hanging in the lobby before they’re brought it. Ramona and Harley are gonna pilot that group. They’re more independent, while we work on exposures, they’ll be doing whatever they need to get better in some of the individual rooms.”

All four of the boys looked at her with dubious expressions, and Virgil was the first to speak up.

“Can I be switched to that group instead?”

\--

As it turned out, no, none of them could switch to the other group, as the number of allowed patients, four, was already filled. 

Plus, Becca said, they’d work better in this group. 

Virgil wasn’t too happy about that, but the other three were rather indifferent.

Or, two.

Patton was excited, other people were gonna join! He wouldn’t see them much, but that was four more people working towards getting themselves better! He almost couldn’t wait to meet them.

Becca had told them that the four new kids would arrive tomorrow, so at least he didn’t have to wait long.

  
  
  


Virgil walked down the hall with the others, silent. 

_ Other kids _ , he thought.  _ More chances to be made fun of.  _

**Don’t be stupid,** he retaliated **. It’s not like we’re in an ** ** _insane asylum_ ** ** or something. **

** _Stop making _ ** ** _assumptions_ ** ** _._ **

He blinked, vision going cloudy, murky, for a few moments before going back to normal. Weird… maybe he needed glasses.

_ Just more opportunities to be made fun of. _

  
  
  


Patton had an alarming amount of pens. 

And by alarming, he meant  _ far too many pens than one person should be keeping in a binder. _

Currently, he had 7. 3 black, 2 red, 1  _ yellow _ , and 1  _ orange.  _

He quickly found the orange to be his favorite, as the yellow was, unfortunately, a rather awful shade of the color. ( _ Pens don’t have feelings _ , he told himself,  _ they can’t get offended by you calling their color bad. _ He still felt guilty.) The orange, however, worked well, and was a welcome difference to the black he was used to using. It was like a little quirk, something that set him apart from the others.

Not that the others were bad, though! They were all great, Virgil was so funny, Logan was smart, and Roman was creative! They were all great,  _ what did he have to offer? _

But his pen collection was starting to get noticeable.

Just the other day, well, at the end of Friday, Harley had asked him why he kept loosing the pens she gave him. Not having an answer other than  _ the truth _ , he just laughed awkwardly before heading back to the cafeteria.

_ God,  _ he felt so guilty. He was  _ lying to their faces _ . 

_ Liar. _

_ Cruel. _

_ Terrible. _

Patton slumped down in his seat, anxieties running at 100 miles a minute.  _ This makes you a bad person _ , he told himself,  _ no matter how many good things you do, you’ll  _ ** _always be a bad person._ **

**Always.**

\--

“Hey,” Virgil greeted as he slid into the seat beside him. It was currently snack time, a 15 minute period in which they grabbed a snack and, well, didn’t have to do exposures.

Patton had grabbed some fruit snacks from the snack cupboard, while Virgil had grabbed a bag of Doritos.

“Hey, Virgil! Whatcha need?”

Virgil fidgeted around with the opened bag, not bothering to actually start eating.

“Uh, this might, no, this is a heavy subject but you kinda seem like the best person to talk about it with? Sorry, you can decline-”

“It’s fine, Virgil. I’m always here to talk!” Patton grinned, while Virgil gave a small, awkward smile back. 

“Okay, um- God, this is stupid, I just… haven’t been feeling good… mentally, lately, and yeah I know we’re in a therapy building but, I don’t know the staff here enough to tell them… I don’t know you all that much either, but I guess you just seemed like the best opinion and- ack, sorry, I’m getting off topic.” Virgil sighed, running his hands down his face. Patton gave him an encouraging smile. 

The corner they had put themselves in was more secluded, and while they were whispering, no one from the other side of the room (where all the others were), could hear them. Virgil looked away from him.

“I’ve… I’ve been having a lot of  _ suicidal thoughts _ lately, Patton… and… I’m  _ scared _ , I’m so, so scared that one of these times I’m just gonna  _ do _ it, Patt, and-” Virgil slapped a hand over his mouth, glancing towards the others. Patton followed his gaze, no one was looking at them.

“I don’t want to disappoint you all more than I already have, but it’s so hard to not do it sometimes.” Virgil finished, finally turning towards Patton. 

“Can I hug you?” Patton asked. The moment Virgil gave a small nod, he was swept up in Patton’s arms, in a rib-crushing hug. Virgil let out a small, shaky laugh.

“Oh, kiddo, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But I’m so glad you told me! I know we aren’t the best of friends quite yet, but it must’ve taken so much courage to tell me, and I’m  _ sososo _ proud of you!” Patton let Virgil out of his hug. 

“Kiddo, we all love talking with you so much, I know it. We haven’t known each other for long but we’ve already made a little family, and I’m so happy you feel comfortable enough to tell me. You can tell me anytime you’re feeling this way, alright, kid?

“You’re so amazing, and funny, and talented, Virgil. I promise, I won’t tell a soul until you’re ready to tell the others.” 

Virgil smiled.

“Thanks, Patton.”

  
  
  


It didn’t help.

_ Why wasn’t it helping? _

Everything’s going too fast, there’s spots before his eyes,  _ he shouldn’t have told Patton, _ tick tock, tick tock, this isn’t okay,  _ don’t bother Patton _ , everything’s rushing, does he know where he is?  _ Why didn’t it help? _ Will things ever be okay?  _ Was Patton okay?  _ Why couldn’t he  _ breathe? _

.

.

.

_ Breathe _ .

  
  
  


Patton stared up at the ceiling, moonlight filtering in through the window. He was no stranger to  _ suicidal thoughts _ , unfortunately, but did he do the right thing?

He could’ve said more,  _ he knew he could,  _ so why didn’t he? Wait- Patton you  _ idiot, _ you still can! Phones exist!

// Private Conversation Between Patton and Virgil \\\

{ Hey, kiddo. }

{ I just wanted to let you know that I love you like a father does his son. }

{ So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much! }

{ I’d be sad if you left. }

{ But I’m really happy you’re here. }

{ I’m goin to bed now, g’nite!!! <3 }

_ 3:42 AM _

| Thanks, Patton. |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> highkey I hate this too lol it's so rushed so I won't feel bad if you detested it.
> 
> Anyway if you enjoyed you have all my thanks and here's to hoping the next chapter's better!
> 
> Originally I wasn't going to include the other group (to sum it up, at my therapy there were two groups, the OCD group where I was in, and the more independent depression group. I started this out with shoving them all in one group for plot's sake, but I kinda wanna have more background characters AND one of the characters is gonna go to the other group every so often. This is reflecting myself, because apparently I was so depressed they wanted me to learn some of the skills the other group was learning lol. anyway) but I felt like I wanted to. Now the problem is, do I add in OCs I've already made for different situations, because that would be easier than coming up with problems and personalities for new people, or do I start out with new OCs so I don't have any prior attachment to them? Decisions, decisions, all of them wrong...
> 
> lol anyway tumblr is astrozones and my discord is AstroZone#2971 if you wanna talk to me and I hope you all have a great day!! <3
> 
> OH TODAY (November 22, 2019) MARKS THE DAY THIS FIC HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN UP FOR A MONTH


	8. Calm Before The Storms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another day at group therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: aw hell the updates probably gonna be late cos I dont have much
> 
> and then I wrote the rest all in one session yeehaw

Something was wrong.

He looked down at the desk, his materials needed for this class spread out even and perfectly. Well, it  _ should _ be perfect, but it wasn’t. Something was wrong and he couldn’t pinpoint what, and it was repeatedly attacking at his mind as the seconds flew by. 

Had he missed something? Forgot something, perhaps. The possibilities swam through his mind, most of them being ruled out by logic.

The anxiety slunk around him, not unlike a snake. It was like an itch at the back of his neck, one he couldn’t relieve no matter how hard he tried. His hand still reached up there regardless, and he flinched as his nails tore at the already-sensitive skin from the last hundred times he had done the  _ same exact thing _ .

It felt like something, someone, was grabbing him by the throat, choking him until he couldn’t breathe. But he  _ could _ breathe, he was breathing normally right now, so why did he feel this way? The anxiety was starting to itch all along his body now, because  _ something  _ was wrong.

His gaze swept along his items again. Both of his notebooks, two pencils, three pens- red, black, blue, all set in order. His eraser, the science textbook, yesterday’s assignment before him, ready to be given to the teacher when he came by for them. Everything seemed to be in its place as he ran through his Science Materials list again and again. 

Something was wrong and it was so, so repetitive that he knew in his heart that it was true. So,  _ what _ ?

From the outside, Logan looked calm and collected, and the students that walked by barely gave him a passing glance. 

He knew it was stupid. His mind acknowledged the fact that this was all made up due to his mental illness. He  _ knew _ , but he was so  _ stupid _ for not being able to disregard it!

So now, all Logan was left with was desperately wracking his brain for something that would fix it, as his traitorous heart screeched.

Oh, how he wished he had  **no emotions at all** .

\--

Logan, Virgil, and Roman sat in the waiting room. Patton would usually come in a few minutes before they had to go in, but as of now, only one stranger from the ‘new group’ had appeared. 

She was quiet, staring down at the floor, kicking her legs back, and forth, back, and forth. She was doing it wrong, it wasn’t in time with the passing seconds, but he bit his tongue, not wanting to replicate previous introductions.

The soft tapping of her fingers against the chair filled the room for a few moments, before quieting once more when she put them back in her lap.

Roman had attempted to talk to her a few times, she had responded with short sentences before quieting back down. Similar to Virgil, he supposed, but still far from a replica of the emo boy in many ways.

  
  


Logan realized soon enough that he should have been relishing in the silence when the next one came in.

“Hey bitches!” another entered the room, she was short, but her presence filled the entire room. “My mentally fucked brethren, I have arrived!”

Four pairs of eyes, five including Katrine at the front desk, stared at her with a variety of different expressions, ranging from dubious, to amused, to frightened. She signed into the building before plopping down in a seat, drumming her fingers against her legs in a nameless tune.

“Heyo,” she greeted the others in a much nicer tone than before. “I’m Vessie, who’re y’all?”

“It’s ‘who are you all’, not…  _ that _ ,” he corrected, the itchy feeling of anxiety returning. Vessie tsked.

“It’s in the dictionary, man, I dunno what else you want, but can I have, like, a name, before someone gets in a fight?”

Logan huffed, spitting out a “Logan,” before falling quiet once more. Roman piped up with a greeting, Virgil mumbling his name out soon after. 

“‘M Willow,” the other new group member said, before going silent once more, hiding behind her thick hair.

Roman and Vessie made conversation, and after a few minutes Virgil joined in as well, slowly starting to speak to the stranger more and more as the minutes went by, Roman and Vessie let him into the conversation easily.

  
  


When Patton had finally joined them, another boy trailed behind. The stranger was quiet, eyes darting between those in the room. He was silent, even at Vessie’s loud greeting, which Patton responded to with ease. Even when the others talked to him,  _ specifically _ , he stayed quiet, only sign that he was listening to them was a tiny shake of his head. 

\--

The final patient came in 4 minutes after group had started. Becca had just finished explaining that the new group members wouldn’t usually join their group for check-in, but since it was the first day for this group even  _ existing _ , they had decided they would include them in the exposure group.

Soon after, a tall girl with curly black hair and green eyes entered the room. She gave off a commanding attitude, glancing at the others with a gaze that felt like knives against Logan’s skin.

She sat in the nearest seat, legs crossed as she pursed her lips.

“Hello! We were just about to start introductions, you got in just in time!” The only other staff member in the room, Harley, greeted. She nodded in response. 

When Becca asked who wanted to go first, she agreed almost immediately. Becca told them they had to tell the rest of the group their name, and their favorite game. 

“I’m Holly,” the ravenette started as soon as Becca stopped talking. “My favorite game would probably be Little Alchemy or somethin’, I dunno, I don’t play many games.”

Goodness, Logan hadn’t played that game in years, he had almost forgotten about it. From an outside perspective, it seemed simple and would be easily completed by the smart man, but it also had stupid rules, like rain + rain= flood when he hadn’t even  _ found the house yet _ .

Logan, Roman, Patton, and Virgil went next, in that order. Logan’s favorite was Tetris, Roman liked Minecraft, Patton enjoyed Stardew Valley, and Virgil played Terraria. Roman pointed out that the four of them all liked square games, which confused Logan for a bit before understanding. 

At this point, they had ended up going in a counter-clockwise order, so it was Willow up next.

“Oh, I’m Willow, and uh, I like… checkers… it’s not a video game, does it still count?” Logan had to strain to hear her words, but Becca seemed to understand immediately and nodded with a smile. 

“... Jayden. Tetris.” The quiet one finally spoke up. 

“Oh, good! Maybe you and Logan can talk about the game.” Harley piped up. Jayden shrugged, falling silent once more. 

“Okie dokie! Well hello y’all, I’m Vessie ‘nd it’s a tie between The Sims 4 and Apex Legends for me! They’re very different games, ya feel?”

Logan was certain that this… creature, only existed to spite him. Whatever God might be out there had truly been cruel in allowing the being known as Vessie to exist.

Once Logan had gotten over his dramatics, the two groups were escorted to the dining room. The other group, oh how he wished he had a better name for them, would spend most of their time in individual rooms aside from their group meetings. 

Harley told them that it would be more of a ‘freebie day’, her words, not his,  _ definitely  _ not his. She told Becca’s group that they would still be expected to partake in exposures, but they didn’t have to do as much, just for today, since it would be rather busy while they worked out the kinks.

“Kinks, eh? Didn’t know you were into it.” Vessie supplied. Roman even laughed at that, much to Logan’s chagrin. 

“I- Vessie, those are rather crude jokes, I don’t think you should go around saying them.” Harley reprimanded her, and only got a shrug in return. 

“There’s a reason I’m in therapy.”

\--

As it turned out, Patton had given up on correcting people’s language, simply saying ‘I can’t exactly control them, y’know!’.

Which, essentially, left Logan as the only patient that was being irritated by Vessie, presumably. He wasn’t sure what Holly’s opinions of the loud girl were, yet, after all, he never was the best at social cues, and the ravenette seemed indifferent to everything that was going on. 

Perhaps indifferent wasn’t the right word, maybe mildly annoyed. She scoffed whenever anyone asked her to do something, but did it nonetheless. She seemed to get along most with Willow, a surprising fact to Logan, since they seemed so different. 

Jayden stayed quiet the entire time, replying only with a couple gestures. On the surface, he seemed alright, just rather quiet, but he was bouncing his leg under the table so much that Logan could feel it from his seat. He was slowly rocking back and forth in this seat, not very much, but it was still noticeable.

Willow was willing to talk to a few of the patients. Patton, Virgil, Holly, and sometimes Vessie. Other than that she supplied short sentences to the others, nervously giggling after all of them. She seemed to be more… socially anxious, similar to Virgil or Jayden, but not quite the same. Jayden refused to communicate at all, and Virgil wouldn’t initiate a conversation, but would almost always slide into it easily. Willow, on the other hand, only had that select few.

Different, but the same.

Contradicting statements, but Logan felt it fit here. 

\--

Holly had a temper.

They found this out after Roman nearly ran into her when turning a corner, and Roman swiftly apologized.

Holly, on the other hand, acted differently.

_ Snap! _

“Are you fucking serious?” she spat out. Roman took a few steps back, only causing her to step forward. “You’re so inept that you can’t fucking look where you’re going? Or are you too conceited that you think everyone should just _scatter_ out of the way when you saunter down the hall? That-”

“I just didn’t notice you-”

“Don’t you _fucking_ interupt me,” she snarled, grabbing his jacket. “I don’t suppose you had your nose too high in the air because you’re so fucking narcissistic, you slut? I know how to ruin a life, bitch!” 

Patton grabbed her, because  _ of course _ this had to be the moment where there were no adults in the room. It was just Holly, Roman, Patton, and Logan. 

“Stop,” Patton hissed. Or maybe this wasn’t Patton at all- perhaps he was possessed,  _ Logan you  _ ** _idiot _ ** _ he can’t be possessed.  _ “Don’t you dare hurt my friends, or you’ve got another thing coming!”

For someone that was usually so innocent and cute, he was certainly intimidating. 

“Hey, hey, hey” Roman started as Holly let go of his jacket. “It was my fault, really, but all’s good now! I hope…”

Holly smiled at him. “Yeah, I’m sorry for saying those things to you!”

.

.

.

Patton and Logan shared a dubious look. She went from threatening him, to sounding like the most innocent girl alive.

“I actually am sorry, though,” she sighed. “I don’t know why I did that. It was stupid, and I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me and I really am sorry!” she sniffed.

Was Logan just this socially inept, or was this making no sense at all?

\--

Logan’s current exposure was to write a sentence with a blatant error in it. Becca told him that it didn’t matter whether it was a grammatical or spelling error. 

Simple.

So why was it so  _ hard _ ?

He had decided to just write the sentence ‘I enjoy reading.’ Simple, easy, and to the point. 

All he had on the paper, though, was  _ ‘I enjoy re’ _ and a large, black ink stain at the end of the ‘e’. 

He had  _ planned _ to write ‘I enjoy read’ for this exposure, and  _ god _ even the thought made him cringe. He had to fix it, he had to fix it,  _ he had to fix it,  _ ** _he _ ** ** _had_ ** ** _ to fix it!_ **

He couldn’t.

He wasn’t allowed to fix it. 

It wasn’t even on the paper yet and he was freaking out. He felt a sob try to escape and immediately covered his mouth with his free hand. 

_ I enjoy read, I enjoy read, _

It was swimming through his head.

_ I enjoy read, I enjoy read, _

He was stupid! So so so sososososo  ** _stupid!_ **

_ I  _ ** _e_ ** _ n _ ** _j_ ** _ o _ ** _y _ ** _ r _ ** _e_ ** _ a _ ** _d, I _ ** _ e _ ** _nj_ ** _ o _ ** _y r_ ** _ e _ ** _ad_ ** _ , _

He wasn’t here, he couldn’t be, his mind was a million miles away with that  _ stupid, stupid, sentence and  _ ** _nothing_ ** _ else!  _

** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _no_ ** _ no _ ** _nO-_ **

\--

He was in a corner, why was he in a corner? That didn’t make sense, he wasn’t there a moment ago. There was a voice- was that Becca?- telling him to breathe. 

_ 4-7-8 _ , it said.  _ Breathe, Logan, breathe. _

  
  


He took a breath.

He was here. Where was here? This was confusing. Here was confusing.

That sentence didn’t make sense.

He was tired. 

Oh, he was crying, when had he started to do that?

  
  


He opened his eyes. Becca was crouched a safe distance away, and Patton hovered behind her, looking concerned. Logan took a few deep breaths.

“Logan?” Becca asked. Logan reached to meddle with his tie and, oh, his hands were shaking. 

That wasn’t ideal.

“Yes?” he asked. Or rather, spit out a shaky attempt at the word. 

  
  


Becca led him through some breathing exercises, sending Patton back to the cafeteria. Logan tried to follow along, but he couldn’t, he just  _ couldn’t why couldn’t he- _

“I- I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t do it!” he yelled. Becca shushed him, speaking softly.

“Alright, that’s alright, Logan, you’re doing good already. Let’s try 4-4-4, okay? Breath in for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for four. We can keep doing until you’ve got it down, okay?”

  
  


And they did continue once he had calmed down, even though it had taken far too long. Becca handed him his glasses, ah, that explained the blurred vision then. Or it was the tears. Or both. Most likely both. Yeah, both.

Four,

Four,

Four.

\--

Becca told him he didn’t have to write it out.

Not yet, anyway.

She said they’d work up the chain, starting with thinking, or reading, a small mistake. Logan didn’t think it’d work, but his mind was still in shambles so he agreed.

When he returned to the cafeteria, he was immediately greeted by Patton asking if he could hug him.

“Um. Okay,” was all he said, not entirely processing what was happening. Soon enough, he was being almost-crushed by Patton, who should not be that strong for someone so calm!

It did make him feel better, though. He usually wasn’t one for contact, but there was something about being enveloped in a Patton Hug that just made you feel better. 

He still felt bad, still felt itchy, still felt like someone had stabbed a knife through the heart he often claimed he didn’t have. But he was happy. He thought. Feelings were weird, he was sad, stressed, numb, and happy all at the same time.

He didn’t like the feeling, but it was better than feeling simply sad, stressed, and numb. Except that wasn’t simple at all. Was that funny, or pitiful?

According to the others, all they had seen was Logan sitting calmly, then booking out of the room. Patton had followed, along with Becca, while Harley told the others to stay where they were. 

Yay.

He didn’t know.

He should’ve listened to the voice before. He had known something was wrong but he continued through the day anyway. That’s why he had the panic attack. He should’ve listened. 

.

.

.

Today wasn’t a very good day. 

They could all agree on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl I'm still lowkey in a slightly delirious state from writing the panic attack haha. it's not a bad thing but it makes me want to write more... dramatically??? if you get me. more dramatic and simultaneously short idk lol
> 
> if it made you Feel Things then I've done my job
> 
> tumblr is astrozones.tumblr.com and twitter is astrozone
> 
> have a nice day! You guys can have all my uwus as long as you comment


	9. Virgil.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that's a Big Yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this whole thing in comic sans
> 
> my entire fic is a trigger warning
> 
> I've been told I need to give a bigger warning for this chapter so here we go. This chapter is pretty graphic compared to the others and is very impactful. If you wanna skip it you can, to connect the dots. I don't want to describe it because it's kinda important to the story that there's not much warning other than in the chapter's you've already read.

There was nothing really interesting about the wall across from his bed. A boring, drab white with gray trimming. His parents had offered to paint it another color soon, and Virgil had told them he’d think about it.

His new parents, that is.

He’d been with them for so many years now and was still finding himself surprised at the difference between them and what  _ used _ to be his normal. 

His attention refocused to the black line across the wall. It had been there for a couple years now and he had yet to get the motivation to scrub it off. 

  
  


It had been soon after the adoption, he remembered. There was a drawer in the corner, housing a multitude of different art supplies. Pencils and markers, paper and paints. There were even stencils, just for him! He had never been the biggest fan of art other than doodling on his notebooks in class, but having all these options was a welcome difference.

_ Unless they would be used as some sort of weapon. _

He had opened the marker drawer, shuffling through the multi-colored mess of Crayola markers of different sizes. There were a few Sharpies scattered in the sea of chaos, too, some with color, something he hadn’t seen on a Sharpie before.

He nearly laughed once he came upon a comically large Sharpie in the typical color (or lack of color? Wait, that might be white.), but of course laughing would be incredibly rude, especially with all these gifts. They would get mad,  _ mad,  _ ** _mad_ ** if he did, so he kept his mouth shut. 

He struggled with opening the marker, his hands sweaty from  _ whatever, _ and even in the empty room he felt embarrassed that he was so  _ pathetic _ he couldn’t even open the goddamn marker, god he was so  _ stupid, awful, humiliating, wast of spa- _

_ Pop! _

His arm, cap in hand, flew back from the force of his pull.

_ “Ow!” _

His hand immediately landed on his face, cap hitting his eye.

His other hand shot out on instinct, protecting him from absolutely nothing, marker extended, working on impulse and nothing else.

_ Slam! _

His hand hit the wall. 

  
  


Once he had regained control of his mind and body, he opened the unharmed eye to see a streak of  ** _black, black, black_ ** against the wall. His eyes widened.

_ Oh, no. _

He hadn’t been there for a week and he’d managed to mess something up,  _ majorly. _ Oh, he was in so much trouble for this! 

His breath came quicker as he could almost  _ feel _ the impact of a hand across his face that was sure to come once they found out about his mistake. It’s not like he could cover it up, either, the permanent marker left a dark trail, and the paint would only  _ drip, drip, drip _ .

He was  _ fucked. _

In a panic, he threw the marker,  _ making sure it was capped _ , across the room, regretting it immediately the  _ thump _ against the wall was sure to alert someone. He shoved his face in his hands and sunk to his knees in the corner, trying to hide the tears.

If he cried, he would only be punished more until he had no tears left to fall.

He heard the door open and bit his tongue to keep from crying out. The metallic taste of blood blossoming, he was sure to find more of that soon. 

“Virgil?” A deep, deep voice asked. Virgil’s head snapped up as he scrambled into a straight position.

“Yes?” he said, the response escaping almost immediately. His brain faintly told him that the legs he was facing weren’t those of his dad, and that the room wasn’t one he recognized too well, but that thought was quickly discarded when the legs moved a few steps back.

Someone crouched in front of him, his tear-filled eyes blurring the figure.  _ Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. _

“Virge?” the voice asked once more. Virgil became confused, what was he supposed to do? He had already responded, what was the missing part? If he didn’t remember it soon, he was sure to be denied food.

“I-I-I,  _ sorry _ , um- I-,  _ ugh!  _ I don-don’t mean to st-st-stut-  _ ack! _ st-utter, sir.” he stumbled out.  _ Fuck! _ That stupid stutter was back!  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid- can’t even speak right! _

“It’s okay, Virge, you’re safe. No one will harm you here.”

Like hell he was falling for that again. 

He stayed silent, facing forward. He could see the  _ mark _ out of the corner of his eye. He clenched his jaw.

A small, cat-shaped blob slid into his peripheral. Blinking away tears, he found it was the cat plushie he had got just a few days ago, appropriately named ‘One-Eye’ for its lack of a second eye.

The cat was soon after renamed Markus, out of sympathy for the poor cat that didn’t  _ want _ to only have one eye, but at this moment it didn’t really matter.

The sight of the black-and-white cat made his brain skid to a stop. He didn’t have that at home, er, his old home. His old home? Oh! He wasn’t at his old home! He was… safe?

He cautiously reached out for the stuffed animal, bringing it towards him with a hold so gentle you would have thought he was holding a real cat. He held it against his chest as shaky sobs finally released, and as his  _ father _ gently helped him out of his panic attack.

  
  


The cat was now tucked away safely in his closet, only coming out when he needed it, lest he cause the plushie to lose the other eye. 

He tore his gaze away from the mark, glancing towards the closet where it was hidden. He didn’t need it now, but it might be a welcome distraction from his thoughts. 

Virgil’s eyes automatically flew towards the door as it opened, a black-and-white muzzle poking its way through stubbornly. He smiled.

Marcus, the stuffed toy’s real-life equivalent (he just really liked the name Marcus/Markus as a kid, okay?), sauntered into the room. The cat looked almost the exact way as the toy, even down to the ‘missing’ eye, (in reality Marcus was really just blind in his left eye).

“Hey, ‘Arcus,” he whispered across the room, nickname coming through with ease. The cat chirped in response, jumping onto the bed beside him.

Virgil looked at the kitty, hands in his lap. Marcus didn’t seem to like this, as he meowed loudly until Virgil ran a hand down his back.

The cat climbed into his lap, or rather, forced his way into his lap. He rolled around in his new spot as Virgil continued petting him, purring so loud you could probably hear it outside the room. 

Then it was back to thinking as he rubbed at the cat’s cheek, Marcus leaning into his hand. After all, he was stuck until Marcus decided to free him from his petting duties. 

He stared up at the ceiling, zoning out once more. The  _ memories, _ god he hated them. He felt a tear fall down his cheek, and took a deep breath. It was alright, he was okay.

Even though he knew, deep down, that he deserved it-!

Marcus meowed loudly at him, batting at his still-petting hand with a paw. Virgil laughed.

“Okay, okay, I got it. No bad thoughts while petting.”

\--

He was alone, once again, as he told his parents he couldn’t go to school today. It’s not like he was lying, his anxiety really was so bad that he couldn’t force himself to go, but that truth hurt him more than he’d like to admit.

It  _ was  _ better than actually going to school, though.

While staying home might sound like a dream to anyone who wasn’t familiar with it, the truth was it kinda sucked.

Sure, getting to do anything you want for the whole day sounds like a dream, but there’s only so many times you can watch the same YouTubers, read Tumblr posts, and have an existential crisis while staring at the ceiling that you can do before it all gets  _ boring. _

So you sit there, lonely, bored, and rather uneducated. And that's where Virgil was, curled up into a ball on his side, staring aimlessly at the wall across from him. 

He rubbed at his arms unconsciously, on the brink of zoning out. His hoodie was making him hot, but like hell he would take it off. 

Or else he would see scars,  _ scars,  _ ** _scars_ ** _ .  _

Time and time again he was forced to endure his bad, horrible, terrible, all the synonyms for 'bad' that there were, thoughts, and he still didn't have a way to combat this. He still didn't know how to get rid of the thoughts which was frankly  _ stupid _ ,  _ foolish _ , and straight up  _ idiotic _ . 

  
  


Well. Maybe that was a lie. 

Let's just say it wasn't a method his therapists, parents, friends, or nice acquaintances would like.

  
  


But it worked, didn't it?

Virgil stood up and shifted over to the closet. There wasn't much in there, just a few, important,  _ personal  _ items.

He would regret this later, he knew it. But now? He couldn't find it in himself to care. 

Virgil rumbled through the closet, pushing aside a few boxes, a few random plushies he got ages ago, and to the small hole in the back.

It wasn't visible to the outside world, and therefore  _ perfect  _ for hiding things best kept from the world. 

He had to push a few more things aside in order to be able to get a proper grasp on it, so he didn’t make a  _ fatal  _ mistake.

...

Maybe one day he would make a fatal mistake. 

...

Just last week he had told himself that he was going to throw this away forever. But he still hid it away, refusing to toss it.

' _ Just in case _ ,' he had thought. ' _ Maybe like, a murderer or something will come in and this'll be my only defense weapon. _ '

He had known then that he was lying to himself, and this moment only confirmed it, didn't it?

He pulled out the blade. Virgil didn't have to shave yet, whether that was a pro or a con was yet to be decided. So he had stolen it from his dad one day, that fateful day. He regretted it, he was grateful for it, he didn't fucking  _ know _ .

  
  


The razor was shiny in his hands, not even a trace of old blood on it. He usually cleaned it anyway, because as much as he wanted to die, like hell it would be at the hands of an infection. Plus, that would mean having to admit to his parents that he  **c** ** _u_ ** **t h** ** _im_ ** **sel** ** _f_ ** _ . _

No one was in the house, which left him free to get the proper supplies to clean it. He wasn't a masochist, but he was already feeling a bit better at the thought of getting to  **c** ** _u_ ** **t ** once more. It was cleansing, almost. 

The irony was that he was staining his skin with blood and regret.

~

Something they don't teach you in health class is that cutting yourself can be an addiction. You do it once, and suddenly every stressful situation you're in you think about it. Think about the blade, thinking about it running down your skin, seeing the blood running down your body. 

And you want it. Crave it, even. Wish to be blessed with the feeling, where the whole world washes away and all you know is the blade and the blood. No bad thoughts, no being pushed around, no painful pasts. 

He knew it wasn't right. Really, he did. But no other 'grounding technique', or 'coping technique' or whatever the fuck they called it worked as well as the pain did. 

~

He found himself back in his room. It was quiet, nearly silent, almost like the world was waiting for his decision. 

But his decision was already made.

  
  


A lot of people cut themselves. It was an unfortunate fact of life, those who mentally suffer often put themselves through physical pain. Maybe his arms weren’t the best place to do  _ it _ , after all, it was one of the more obvious places. His legs, or his hips would be better, easier to hide.

He couldn’t give a shit right now.

  
  
  


And the blade touched his skin.

  
  
  
  


His mind was clear.

God, it was so clear. No stupid thoughts running around, a calm bliss that he wished he could experience constantly. The relief spread over his body, and his head fell back with a sigh. 

It was hard to explain it to someone who hadn't done it, even more so when they didn't suffer from the bad thoughts like he and many others did. It was like all the pain, screaming, suffering in his head flowed out alongside the blood, and left him okay, no, it left him feeling  _ good _ . Feeling  _ happy _ .

It was an addiction, but not one he wanted to get rid of. Not when it left him feeling like this.

He was disappointing everyone, but for a few, fantastic minutes he didn't care. And it was bliss. Pure, unaltered, bliss.

\--

He laid out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling  _ again _ . A tear slipped out of his eye.

He regretted it. He regretted it so, so very much. He made a mistake, God, he knew he would regret it beforehand, and like the fool he was, he was blinded by the temporary relief. 

He broke into sobs, curling into himself.

He was sorry, he was so,  _ so  _ sorry. He had disappointed them all, when he told them they would be sad, or angry, or at worst, try to talk to him about it. 

He was sorry, he was really, but he wouldn't tell any of them. Not his parents, not the staff at Sanders, not Patton, not Roman, not Logan, not those weirdos in the other group. He would suffer through this himself.

And no one else.

\--

// Private Conversation between Roman and Virgil \\\

| hey |

| you're probably at school rn |

| but are you open to talking? just for like, five minutes. |

| this was stupid, sorry. |

-

Virgil sighed, holding the bandage against his skin with one hand, phone in the other. Other than the blood, all signs of his act were gone. All thrown in the trash, except the one object that would stop this whole thing. 

He wasn’t actually expecting a response, so when his phone buzzed he nearly jumped off the bed.

-

[ Im not at school ]

| oh. |

| same. |

[ Whats the problem? im okay with talking/listening ]

[ Unless you think one of the others would be better ]

| nah, not any of the others. I feel like both of them would make it into a bigger deal than it is. |

| or like, pressure me to say more |

[ Alright ]

[ Its been 5 minutes you okay? ]

| yeah. |

| i just.. don’t know what to say |

| just been having the usual depression thoughts |

| im bored |

[ Uhhhh ]

[ Im supposed to be in the house nd not let anyone in but youre welcome to swim in the lake near my house if u really wanna ]

| ah, that’s a no. |

| maybe another time but im not really up for going anywhere. |

[ Fair. ]

[ You are allowed to use it anytime tho! even if its like the middle of the night or smth you can go swim. my parents dont care lmao and its kinda fun to swim in the dark ]

| noted. |

[ I would say you can go to a park for a while but if u dont wanna get up i figure thatd be a no ]

[ Maybe a video game? ]

| ugh idk maybe |

\--

As it turned out, nothing that either Roman or Virgil could come up with was something Virgil actually *wanted* to do. He just... didn't have any motivation to do anything but watch the same YouTube videos over and over again, or scroll through the same old Tumblr posts repeatedly.

At some point Roman told him he was going to take a nap. A little part of Virgil told him that was just an excuse so he didn't have to talk to Virgil anymore, but Virgil cast that thought aside.

...

Maybe.

  
  


No he didn't.

_God, he must hate you,_ he thought. _Who wouldn't? He used a typical excuse too, almost like he wanted you to realize; wanted you to realize that you're such a bore._

He groaned, clutching his head. The voice was right, and he knew it. So why did he keep trying to ignore it?

He flopped back against the bed, hitting his head in the process. He hardly even flinched at the impact, it wasn't like pain was a stranger to him. 

\---

Virgil had arrived home one day after school. His 9-year-old self didn't have much in his life. He had a home, some clothes, food, and school supplies. And 9-year-old Virgil thought that was all he needed.

(Apparently human beings needed 'love', which is bullshit, why did he need love when he could be doing other, more sensible things?)

He walked through the door to his house. Took his shoes off- he only had one pair, but that was okay. He placed his backpack near the door, and walked into the living room. 

  
  


A bottle flew past his head. He hardly even flinched. 

"Good afternoon, Dad." he parroted the script they had developed over the years. His Dad nodded in response, rising up from his recliner. 

"What did you do at school today?" His Dad asked. Virgil waited a few, short moments before piping up again.

"Nothing much, sir."

His Dad sneered, taking a few steps forward, closer to Virgil. Virgil felt his hands start shaking. Did he do something wrong?

"The school called me today. Said you were being _disruptive_." 

Virgil had no clue what he was talking about. He had gone to the bathroom a few times, and asked for a bandaid a couple more, but other than that he couldn't fathom what his Dad was talking about.

"I'm sorry, sir," he braced himself for impact. It was better if he followed the script, or he'd just be in more trouble than before, something he was not looking forward to doing today.

_ Slap! _

He only cringed slightly at the hit. God, it hurt, especially on top of other injuries, but by far it wasn't the worst. It would disappear by the end of the day. If he complained that just showed he was a coward, and his Dad would have to toughen him up more. 

"Your Mom's coming back soon," his Dad started. He glanced up. "You will clean your room before she gets back."

"Of course, sir." 

He scampered off to his room.

He had been told to clean it a few days ago, so the room was relatively clean. He was grateful that his Dad had noticed this and put him up to an easy task before his Mom came home.

His parents were kind like that. They put him up to tasks and gave him a time frame that was easily doable. If he didn't do it in time, he would be punished. But that was normal, of course.

-

He heard the front door open 10 minutes later, just as he was putting the last of his laundry in a basket. He smiled. The whole family was home!

Well, his grandparents or cousins hadn't appeared in a while, they hadn't come over since he was 1 year old according to his parents. And since they didn't care about _him_, he didn't care about _them_. It was a simple trade-off.

His parents cared so much about him. They gave him everything he needed, after all. 

"VIRGIL," his Mom called from down the stairs. "CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE?"

"One moment, ma'am!" he shouted, putting the basket back in the closet. He sped down the stairs, going completely still once he reached the bottom. His Mom nodded at his following of the rules. Virgil wanted to smile, but that wasn't allowed until Family Time (when he hadn't been bad. They hadn't had Family Time in a long, long while).

His mother looked at him expectantly for a few moments. Virgil resisted the urge to ask what he was supposed to do, and instead shuffled through his brain for the right thing to say. His head was really jumbled today.

"Good afternoon, Mom," he said. His mother gasped. 

"Virgil, do you not care about how my day went?"

_Shit_! That's what he forgot! 

"I'm sorry, I do care, Mom. I just forgot."

His Mom frowned, turning to his Dad. They seemed to have a few moments of silent communication before she turned back to Virgil. 

"So you misbehave at school, then somehow '_forget_' to ask your mom how her day went? One might think you're being bad on purpose, Virgil." She hissed, stepping forward. Virgil took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," was all he said. They glared at him.

...

It hurt to walk the next day, but rest assured he remembered to ask his Mom how her day went for a long while after. 

\--

Looking back on it, Virgil questioned what the relationship with his parents even _was_. The attachment to them was probably Stockholm Syndrome mixed with that being the only way he knew he was supposed to be raised.

His parents were often kind, but rude and cruel at different intervals. Really, he didn't understand it. They had good times, they really did, and he really, truly loved them. 

He still did.

But according to Child Protection Services, hardly being able to walk because of injuries every day _wasn't_ normal. He had begged to stay with them, but he had been taken away regardless.

  
  


Now he was here. What he had lost in physical injuries, he had gained in mental injuries. It had taken him so, so very long to get used to what was apparently _normal_ life, and his anxiety and depression had only been rising higher and higher as the days went by.

His entire _fucking_ life was surrounded by pain.

Was that all he was good for? Being an object to be yelled at, screamed at, punched until he could hardly breathe? Or was it for him banging his head on the wall to get rid of the thoughts, fucking  _ cutting himself _ to feel okay, screaming into a pillow because he thought he did everything wrong?

God he was pathetic.

He needed a plan.

Stupid, idiotic, foolish. 

It could seem like an accident.

Why did he mess everything in his life up? It was him, he knew it, he couldn’t blame anyone else. He was the antagonist, the villain, the bad guy.

It was late at night.

If only it could all  _ stop _ . 

…

Maybe it could.

\--

He found himself in front of the lake. Roman’s lake.

He had gotten materials to hold himself down.

It would seem like an accident.

They wouldn’t find him for a while.

It was perfect, wasn’t it?

No one would suspect a thing, what a terrible accident it was, they’d say. Such a shame, such a shame.

  
  


...

Virgil was tired of this.

The lake was in front of him, dark water hugging the beach. Roman said it was fun swimming at night, did this count?

He didn’t think of much in this moment. He had grabbed a couple heavy rocks beforehand.

He was in the middle of the lake. He almost took a deep breath, before he remembered it wasn’t really worth it now, was it?

Virgil was going to drown himself.

They’d see it as an accident. It all worked perfectly. It had just been offered that he could be here at any time. They’d figure he had headed there to swim and accidentally drowned.

  
  


He would disappoint so many people. But, God, he couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with life, couldn’t handle the struggles, the ridicule, the hate. 

The world wasn’t made for Virgil Murdoc, so he was going to leave it. 

  
  


He exhaled and dove.

He swam towards the bottom, forcing the large rocks over himself. He didn’t want to float back up. Not this time.

And he’d never have to contemplate it again. 

His lungs were burning now, begging to  **breathe** .

He saw the water around him, after all, what else was there to see? He could vaguely see the bright moon. 

His body spasmed suddenly, but Virgil expected that much. 

He’d never be  **drowning** in his own thoughts again. 

It hurt, God it hurt so much. Is there even a God? He supposed he’d find out soon.

His body started attempting to inhale the water around him in a desperate attempt to get even a hint of oxygen.

He… he was starting to regret this.

Oh no.

He was sorry, he didn’t know why he had done this.

He was choking on the water in his lungs.

He was choking on regret.

_ Foolish, foolish, foolish! _

He made a mistake. 

He wanted to live.

** _PLEASE-_ **

  
  
  
  


Virgil wasn’t thinking anymore after that.

.

.

.

* * *

  
  


Oh god, is that-

** _VIRGIL!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey next chapter might be a while again bc i have to research the effects of a near-drowning. anyone here know the effects?
> 
> HEY I HAVE 0% PRIOR EXPERIENCE FOR WRITING THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER SO IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS I'LL FIX IT!!! I want this to be realistic. and if you see any inconsistencies lemme know
> 
> also eyyy 4000 words look at me go!
> 
> ... is it bad that the whole cutting scene was based off my own experiences? Also yeah cutting can be an addiction blease dont do that
> 
> dont do suicide either bc that'll make me sad :(
> 
> Suicide text helpline- https://www.crisistextline.org/suicide?msclkid=2a671981a5db1da6ba924468462cfb5f  
and the National Suicide prevention- https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> have a nice day yall


	10. Dear Virgil, From Roman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman's... doing his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #CPRdoesn'tCountAsKissing2k19
> 
> Aster, you say, why the fuck did this take 6 days to come out for this shit. Well, I say, I'm a fool.
> 
> To be fair I was at a sleepover with my friend on Friday-Sunday, so those days were off the table except for the 500 words I managed to squeeze in at the end of Sunday. Yesterday I was sick, so the writing might be bad there too.
> 
> important things come in threes, and also ~give you anxieties~

Roman was out on the roof again, staring at the stars. It was peaceful. Quiet. Nice. 

He hummed a tune to himself, fiddling with the binoculars he had brought out. After all, a telescope wouldn’t do so well on a slanted roof. He felt calm. Cool. Clear.

It was hard to explain.

When he was up here, the rest of the world melted away, and sometimes instead of leaving him with his thoughts, he was graced with an empty mind that only processed the beauty of the world.

Like the stars he was staring at. A sprinkling of light against the night, objects of light that were so far away, but when he was up here he felt that if he tried hard enough he could touch them. 

He had more of a chance with touching the moon, though. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t dumb, and he  _ did _ like learning sometimes, with things he was passionate about. Aside from what he was taught in school, Roman went through an astronomy phase when he was younger, obsessed with the beauty and mysteries of it all.

His current passion was theater, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere in life, would it?

He closed his eyes, just listening to the sounds of the world around him. The wind, the birds, the rushes of wind through trees. The kind of quiet he enjoyed most.

He vaguely remembered an instance in, goodness, what grade would it have been in? Fourth? He was talking to his friend, Arcoe. They weren’t friends anymore, hadn’t been since the end of that very year. People changed, and Roman did in such a way that… Arcoe didn’t care for him anymore.

Anyway.

He had been yelled at by one of his teachers, something he wasn’t used to. He had always been the ‘Golden Child’, the nice, kind one who got good grades.  <strike> _ That sure tanked in later years. _ </strike> His only flaw, from an outside perspective, was that he was loud.

All he had done that day was lean over to a friend and talk for a bit during class. Just a few jokes, he couldn’t help himself, he just wanted to make his friend laugh. But he had been caught. And he had been yelled at. 

In front of the whole class.

At recess, he found himself crying over it, leaning back against the building. Alone, of course. Being the golden child didn’t come with having many friends. Arcoe was one of few, and he, along with Roman’s other friends, didn’t care for the games Roman played, so his friends ran around during recess while Roman imagined the playground was a castle.

And of course one of the few times Arcoe did come over to him was when he was crying. 

“What’s wrong?” he had asked. Roman explained the situation, but Arcoe was still confused as to why he was so worked up about it.

“Everyone gets in trouble,” his friend pointed out. Roman bit his lip.

“I know, but, just… I dunno. I like the quiet.  **I don’t like loud noises** . Especially yelling.”

Arcoe laughed.

“Roman,  **you ** ** _are_ ** ** a loud noise** ,” he pointed out, laughing some more. Roman forced out a laugh that turned into another sob. 

“‘m gonna go play with the others now, bye-bye Roman,” he said, and with that, Arcoe scampered off.

And Roman was alone again.

Wasn’t that ironic, that even right now, in the present day, he was still alone. 

Just a loud, annoying boy, that hated  <strike> himself </strike> loud noises.

He let out a laugh. He didn’t find it funny 

He groaned, tossing his arm over his eyes. Goodness, he was supposed to be lost in the _moment_, not lost in his thoughts _again_. 

He sat up, grabbing his binoculars from where they were rested around his neck. He used them to view the area around, adjusting them as needed. 

Roman calmly watched as an apparent late-dwelling squirrel scrambled up a tree, pausing for a few moments when it heard Roman's foot hit the roof when he stood up, before continuing on it's way. He smiled a bit, before turning to another area.

This time it happened to be the lake behind his house. He adjusted the binoculars once more, and... boom! He had a clear view. 

Wait.

Uhhhh... what?

If his vision was holding true, and he was pretty damn sure it was, _Virgil_ was out there at the edge of it.

Well, he supposed he _did_ extend the invitation, he just didn't expect Virgil would choose tonight, especially with what happened earlier in the day. 

He considered climbing down and joining Virgil, but after he unconsciously yawned he figured his body had already made the decision to stay. 

Setting the binoculars down, he pondered whether he should keep watching or not. On one hand, that was creepy as fuck and that was a _very_ stalker-ish move. On the other, it _was_ the middle of the night, and there were never any lifeguards attending the area. Virgil could very well somehow find a way to fall _asleep_ in the water and drown, which wouldn't fare well for either of them. 

Goodness, imagine having to explain to the cops that your friend fell asleep in the middle of your lake, that was shady as fuck. 

Ugh, **better safe than sorry**, he supposed. 

  
  


He picked up the _stupid_ binoculars once more, zooming in on Virgil. Or rather, where Virgil... had been. He figured his newfound friend had already dove under.

<strike> He was right, but he was wrong. </strike>

So, he waited for Virgil to swim back up.

And he waited. 

And waited.

Waited long enough for him to wonder why Virgil, who had arrived fully-clothed, hadn't left any of his clothes behind. God, that sounded so very stalker-like. Ugh.

He waited some more.

Were- were those air bubbles? Like, from _Virgil_? 

_ Don't jump to conclusions, he was probably just... having fun under the water or something. _

So he waited for a few moments more before finally giving in to the compulsion to at least get on another level, where he could get down to Virgil faster if this continued. 

He grunted slightly as he reached the landing of a second-floor roof, immediately turning towards the lake. More bubbles.

Still no Virgil. 

_ Okay, fuck it. Better safe than sorry... again. _

He maneuvered his way down the sides of the house, barefoot. Landing on the grass, he risked a glance through the binoculars. No Virgil.

_ Oh, god. _

Roman wasn't the most athletic, and he knew this, he _<strike>hated</strike> _always knew this, but in this moment? He didn't care. 

He sprinted over as fast as his legs would let him, not even noticing the burns of protest his legs were giving. 

Not even caring as he heard his father yell after him. All that mattered right now was _Virgil_, only Virgil. 

He skittered to a stop at the lake shore, rocks digging into the soles of his feet. He couldn't care less right now. 

There was no hint of Virgil.

He tossed his_ stupid, goddamn_ binoculars to the side before swimming out the the center of the pool. He couldn't see Virgil from his positioning. 

So he took **a deep breath**, and dove.

  
  
  


He sank down, down, down, desperately searching for even a hint of his friend. _<strike>Ex-friend?</strike> not if I can help it._

His lungs were starting to strain, to beg for air. This _stupid water_ was too dark at night, he could hardly see! Why couldn't whatever God was up there give him this _one time,_ goodness gracious, it was important! 

He couldn't lose Virgil. He just couldn't. Not so soon. 

His foot brushed against something that didn't feel like rocks, didn't feel like sand, didn't feel like whatever creatures of the deep might live in the lake<strike>_ now's not the time, Roman._</strike>

_ Virgil! _

He grabbed the form, it certainly _felt_ like a human, and he was pretty sure no one else had died here- god he hoped not.

He attempted to drag him upwards, but Virgil was held back by- ugh, _something_. He kicked whatever horrible object it was away before continuing his ascent. 

Roman finally, _finally_ surfaced, making sure he brought Virgil up beside him. He gulped desperate breaths in, feeling the air filling his lungs. He glanced at Virgil, who **wasn't breathing-.**

"Roman," his father growled. Roman's head shot up to where his father was standing on the dock. He swam over as fast as he could with the boy in his arms.

"Mind explaining this?" his father asked. Roman shook his head.

"Can't- right now- he's- he's not breathing, Dad!" He gestured to _Virgil_, his father's eyes widening. He reached down to grab _Virgil_ from Roman's grasp.

Roman grabbed on to the edge of the dock, not having the strength to hoist himself up onto it. He watched as his father told his mother to call 911.

He felt his eyes slip closed before he shook his head violently. _Gotta stay awake, for **Virgil**._

He fought to stay awake as he blearily watched his dad check over _Virgil_, and eventually, preform CPR until _Virgil_ was coughing up water in his passed-out state.

Eventually, after what like far, far too long, an ambulance arrived and took _Virgil_ away from him. 

  
  


Roman's dad grabbed him out of the water soon after the vehicle left. 

"Roman," his dad hissed. "Mind explaining why one of your friends was in our private lake at, what-" a grunt. "Whatever stupid fucking hour of the night it is?"

Roman gulped, squirming out and away until he was a few steps back. 

"Sorry, Dad. I told him he could come over when he wanted to, and, uh, I guess he chose now to come over...?" he laughed awkwardly at the end of his sentence. His father didn't laugh. 

"What do you mean, 'I _guess_ he chose to come over now'?" he scowled. "He must've told you he was coming over, didn't he? Or is your friend so inept that he couldn't even do that?"

Roman felt a spark of anger rise up in him. "He is _not inept_! Ugh, but no, he didn't tell me..." his voice trailed off at the end of the sentence, the fight draining out of him the moment his father sent a raised eyebrow at him.

"Don't _fucking_ claim I'm wrong when I'm so obviously right, Roman." his father sighed, turning to the side. "Goodness, how much of a failure could you be..."

Roman bit his tongue, shrinking in on himself. He really was a failure...

\--

His parents soon took him to the hospital, so he could give them- er, the hospital staff that is- the information needed about Virgil. 

He stared out of the car window, chewing on his nails. He brought his knees up to his chest, trying to be smaller, smaller, smaller. If he shrunk down enough, maybe he could pretend this was just another one of his stupid fantasies- maybe not _fantasies_, but he currently couldn't give a shit about his word choices. 

"How did you even notice he was there, kid?" His mother prompted from the passenger seat. Roman wilted more, if that was even possible. 

"I, um..." he trailed off. His father grunted.

"Speak up."

Roman took a deep breath. "I, uh, I was up on the roof- 'cause I _eheh_, I found a way up there th-that's real safe! And, I brought a pair 'f binoculars 'nd that's how I saw him..."

His mother frowned, turning to face him. "How'd you get up on the roof?"

"... The window..."

"We're gonna have to get rid of that, then," Roman flinched back, trembling at the thought of his safe space being taken away from him. "We wouldn't want you getting hurt, or somethin'."

"Of course, Mama." 

Roman turned back to the window, absentmindedly tracing a flower on the condensation built up on the window. His safe place...

He'd never be able to see the stars the same way ever again. Never get to sit and just _be_, feeling the wind, listening to the background noise of a thousand things happening at once, closed eyes as he'd just let the world go on outside of him.

There were other ways up onto the highest roof, sure, but it was too risky to get to his spot, not to mention even getting _down_. 

He sighed softly, holding back the tears that desperately threatened to escape.

He supposed that life would go on, not a care for what the foolish, annoying wannabe-prince was feeling. 

\--

The car turned into the hospital's parking lot. Roman was jostled as the car moved over a speed bump, snapping out of his zoned-out state.

The flashy car _finally_ stopped in a parking spot, and Roman jumped out almost immediately, stumbling out into the lot. He took a few moments to collect his thoughts, before turning back to where his parents had yet to step out. 

He desperately wanted to sprint to the building, but- _somehow_ managed to stop himself before he could. His parents would be _so_ mad at him if he did, so he settled for bouncing on his toes and fidgeting with his sleeves. 

"Stop moving so much, kid, it makes it look like you're insane," his mother commented, Roman following her command on the spot. 

Finally, finally, _finally_, they entered the hospital, his parents calmly strolling towards the front desk while their nervous son trailed behind. 

His parents chatted to the lady at the front desk for a few moments, until she asked the first question.

"Okay, so what is the patient's name?" she asked. His parents turned to him.

"Oh- uh, Virgil Murdoc, I believe." he said. She nodded, continuing on through a few more questions. 

"What is your relation to the patient? Family member, friend," she glanced down at Roman. "boyfriend?"

"Wha- boyfriend?!" he spluttered, cheeks heating up. "Nononono, he's not my- _eh_, boyfriend, he's, he's just a friend of mine."

The lady shot him a knowing glance, what she apparently "_knew_", he couldn't tell. 

Eventually, they found a way to call Virgil's parents, and they were dismissed.

His parents very nearly got him to leave, but Roman begged and begged until they finally caved in and let him wait, with the exception that they would go stay in the car while he stayed in the lobby.

And then he was alone.

_Boyfriend_? he thought. _Why would she think I was his- his boyfriend? Goodness gracious, I don't even like him in that way! <strike>Do I?</strike> They were just friends from therapy, after all. <strike>Oh god, he might.</strike> So yeah, they were **friends**, and friends only._

A few more people came in, scattered throughout the 30 minutes Roman was left in the waiting room. He absentmindedly watched as the couple who just came in chatted with the girl at the front desk. They looked worried, but then again, nearly everyone who had come in looked at the very _least_ a bit shaken up. 

  
  


What was different, however, was when the nurse pointed towards _him_, and the pair started walking in his direction. He started as the man started to speak to him.

"Are you the boy who helped Virgil?" he was asked. Roman blinked a few times before finally responding with an,

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, it's been a long night..." he mumbled, suppressing a yawn. 

He was even more shocked when the woman wrapped around him in a hug. 

"Thank you," the man smiled. "We're his parents. I'm Jason Murdoc, and this is my wife, Anna Peters."

"Oh! Nice to meet you, I'm Roman Prince," he smiled, Anna letting him go soon after. "I... wish it were in better circumstances. Really, though, you don't need to thank me. Virgil's my friend, I would've done it in any case." Virgil's mother smiled at him.

"Of course we have to thank you, you saved Virgil! Not everyone can say they saved someone, and not everyone would do it. You're a good person, Roman." she said, before hugging him again. Roman blushed.

"I- thanks,"

-

He told them about the circumstances, how he found Virgil (Thankfully, he explained his motives for watching him well enough that they understood he wasn't a stalker,) the weird facts, like how Virgil decided to swim fully-clothed, and how he brought Virgil back to the surface. After nearly every tidbit of him helping Virgil, they thanked him, and he blushed every time.

They soon mellowed out into anxious small-talk, Roman finding himself calming down, ever-so-slightly whenever one of them made a joke.

  
  
  


**Until the doctor approached them with a solemn expression.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: ah fuck i forgot a word. fuck it the character doesn't remember it either
> 
> Did you like this chapter? I didn't when editing, I'm not sure what it is it's just... euch. What's y'alls honest opinion on it? Next chapter will be so much better, I promise. And if that turns into a lie, you can kill me.
> 
> If you cringed while reading this I don't blame you. I'm sorry for this chapter. Roman's my favorite and euch, I failed him. (Don't treat this as a guilt-trip, you don't have to be nice about my writing.)
> 
> Tumblr is astrozones, Twitter is astrozone3
> 
> I wish you all have happy days. I wish I could hug every single one of you!! You're all so amazing and supportive and I 100% believe that whatever problems you're going through, you'll get through them, and end up happy on the other side. I promise. Take a few moments to appreciate existing, focus on what you can see, what you can feel, what you can hear. The world's amazing, and holds amazing people like you.


	11. Who Says We're Living?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow it has not been a fun time recently
> 
> this chapter is painstakingly short, but I hope to get back into the swing of things soon. 
> 
> For those who don't know because I delete the 'this chapters gonna be late' chapters after i finish the next chapter, something.. poor happened in my life and I nearly lost a friend. Come to the conclusions that you will- I mean, if you read the chapter you know, but I don't really feel like going through it again.
> 
> I hope you enjoy <3

It was a completely normal day.

The Sun was shining, the birds were chirping (some louder, more annoying than others), and Patton was rushing to get ready for the day, grabbing the group project for school before heading out with a shouted ‘bye!’ to his parents. 

The trip to school was uneventful, and before he knew it Patton was in his first hour class sharing the finished project with his team. They were presenting first today, Patton had made some last-minute adjustments to the poster part of their grade yesterday, and in his opinion he did well. His teammates agreed, and one of them even gave him a hug for ‘coming in clutch’, as she had phrased it.

“Samantha Acorne,” the teacher called, reading off the teams from alphabetical order. Patton and his three other teammates worked their way to the front of the class. 

Of the four, Patton spoke the most, relaying their information about the project with enthusiasm. That’s not to say the others didn’t participate, though! All of them took turns on reading the paragraphs, even though the three of them were heavy introverts, especially Samantha, poor thing. Patton just wanted to give her a big ol’ hug. 

He kinda just wanted to give everyone a big ol’ hug, but he didn’t have enough arms.

So that sucked. 

They finished their presentation, and if the faces of their classmates were any guess, they did wonderfully. 

After class, the three stopped him in the hall. Samantha gave him a tight hug, which he happily returned.

“Thanks, Patton, you really helped us through the project! My mom would’a killed me if I failed.” She said. Patton stumbled through his words.

“Oh, no, don’t thank me! You all did so great and-”

“You did most of the work,” Kienan cut in. “When the rest of us were struggling, you helped us understand. Most teams don’t do that, Patton.”

Patton blushed, waving them off. “Alright, alright, I accept your thanks. I really gotta head to class, though!” He called, already backpedalling down the hall. He turned with a wave before rushing down the hall.

Hardly anyone actually  _ thanked  _ him for doing what he should do. For doing the kind deeds he prided himself on completing. He just… wasn’t used to it, as pitiful as that may sound. 

He didn’t feel like he deserved it.

And yet, he thrived on the feeling of it. 

Patton slid into his seat for his next class just as the bell rang. The teacher hadn’t arrived yet, so he had some time to think about his feelings. He… wasn’t feeling very good. Not sick, no, that would be terrible. But… sad. Alone. When just a few minutes earlier he had been walking on sunshine, he had quickly spiraled into emotionally hurting. 

He picked at his skin aimlessly, a nasty habit he had picked up oh so long ago. He tried taking deep breaths, and while that worked for a bit, every pause he took had him filling up with anxiety again. He needed to do something else. 

His leg brushed against the chair leg, the cold metal reeling him back to reality. He busied himself with thinking about what the class could be focusing on today. He focused on the music coming from the girl beside him, headphones blasting music rather loudly. He let himself get lost in the music he didn’t know while he glanced around the room. 

Breathe, Patton, breathe. It’s all okay.  **No one’s hurt.**

_ he didn’t know. _

\--

Patton skipped into the lobby of their building. Today was a fantastic day! He'd gotten so much done and made so many people happy, it was amazing. He was rather proud of himself. He had even arrived on-time to group today!

Logan sat in a corner of the room, and the other group was scattered around the lobby, a couple of them- God, what was it? Holly and... Will? Well, whoever they were, they were chatting quietly in the far corner of the room. He signed in before he made his way to Logan. 

"Heyo!" he greeted, causing Logan to lift his head up from he was staring at the ground. Logan nodded before shifting his gaze once more to the floor. Patton frowned.

"You okay?" he asked, plopping down in the seat next to his friend. Logan sighed before giving a shrug. 

"Roman and Virgil aren't here, they have usually arrived by this time." He said. "I know it's probably nothing, but it still feels wrong. Something's _wrong_, y'know?"

Patton gave Logan a quick side-hug, releasing him when he felt his friend stiffen. "It'll be okay, Logan. They're just late. I'm late all the time!"

"Yes, but you are _you_, as redundant as that is, it's normal for you to be late. That's not the case for Roman and Virgil. It's illogical. Something must be wrong, the schedule's all changed, something bad's going to happen, I can feel it!" Logan finished, shoving his head in his hands. 

Patton frowned; it hurt seeing his friend in pain! 

"It's okay that you feel that way, but you know it's all your-"

"It's my OCD, I know," Logan cut him off. Patton didn't mind. "It's still... hard. Hard to ignore, hard to deal with, hard to keep in line. 

"I remember hearing about OCD when I was younger and undiagnosed... It didn't seem like a big deal, but now I'm here and I-... I detest it. I just-" he sighed, shifting slightly. Patton stayed silent, encouraging his friend to go on with a slight nudge and a smile. "I just hate not being able to do things other people can do, all because of a mental illness."

"That's okay," Patton said. Logan looked back up at him. "It's okay because you're here! You're here are you're working to get better, one step at a time. And one day you will be able to do those things! I'm sure of it."

Logan smiled ever-so-slightly, and opened his mouth to say something before-

The door opened, Becca making her way into the lobby. Patton and Logan got up, along with a couple of the kids from the other group. Becca stopped them before they could go in. 

"Just the OCD group for now," she said with a solemn expression. Patton looked at Logan worriedly, but he looked unfazed. 

They walked to their group room, Patton sitting in one of the spinny chairs while Logan sat in a normal one. Patton spun himself around as Becca entered the room. She sat down near the door.

Patton and Logan had already started filling out their check-in sheets when Becca stopped them, voice wavering. They both looked at her, worried. 

"This is... hard to explain but," she took a deep breath. "Virgil nearly drowned last night."

What? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god! 

He felt empty and dead. <strike>Just like Virgil could be.</strike>

Patton gasped, cutting her off. "Is he okay? Is he alive? Is he dead?! What about Roman-"

"Patton, calm down for a moment." Becca said. "C'mon, breathe in with me," she took a deep breath in, ignoring Logan's muttering of "it's come on", before releasing the air slowly. Patton followed her lead, and after a few more tries had calmed himself down enough to listen.

"Virgil's alive," she said. Patton breathed a sigh of relief, hope fluttering in his chest once more. "Roman's alive, too, but..." she trailed off once more, sighing. 

  
  


"It was proven to be a suicide attempt."

  
  


And Patton's heart _shattered_.

\--

Patton sat, staring down at the table in front of him with a blank expression. He had failed Virgil, hadn't he? He had promised to himself; to Virgil; to the whole world that he would be there for Virgil. Virgil, his anxious son, who made funny jokes and was one of the puzzle pieces that brightened up his life.

And he had... he had tried to leave. Virgil attempted to leave. Why? God, Patton was a failure. He was supposed to be there for Virgil, but he wasn't.

Becca had briefed them all on what had happened. She originally refused to tell them anything, confidential and all that. Logan, after 15 minutes of arguing, had managed to convince her to tell them some of the story. 

Apparently, Virgil had left his house late in the night. He showed up at Roman's house for unknown reasons, and dived into the lake. Roman had seen him from up on the third story, and after not seeing Virgil surface after a while, rushed down to grab him. According to Becca, there were multiple other aspects that proved it was a suicide attempt, but no amount of convincing had managed to sway her. 

Gosh, the moment he arrived at the hospital after group today, he was going to give Roman a big ol' hug. Maybe Virgil, too, if he was awake and allowed it. 

Patton flicked a speck of dust off the table, watching it float down, down, down to the ground.

  
  


He wished he was there for Virgil. 

He wished he had done more. 

A voice, far, far in the back of his mind told him he did all he could, and that he did well. 

He tried to listen to it, he really did. But he couldn't, not when all the evidence showed that he hadn't done enough. Had he done something, anything else, Virgil could be here right now. Hugging Patton, "arguing" with Roman, and talking with Logan. But Virgil wasn't here.

And Patton was a failure. 

A filthy, no good, failure.

He felt sick, so he asked to go to the bathroom. Becca reluctantly let him, worried that he would do something he was going to regret. But Patton didn't.

He just cried in the bathroom of a therapy building.

A random memory popped in his head of Roman, showing him a song called Michael in the Bathroom. A horrible part of his brain replaced it with his own name.

Patton in the bathroom, Patton in the bathroom, at  <strike> a party </strike> ,

Forget how long it's been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole solemn impression thing last chapter is bc it was a suicide attempt. nothing new for readers but something big for our characters
> 
> dear god
> 
> i am stress
> 
> by the way, did any of yall pick up on the fact that V drowning was alluded to throughout the 4 chapters before 'Virgil.'? idk i felt so sneaky lmao
> 
> I do hope you enjoyed, and please have a wonderful day.


	12. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters to stall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hbbjskafjkldawo this is REALLY short like just barely over 1000 words
> 
> I promise next one will be longer  
and better  
because lowkey this chapter's trash idk what happened
> 
> go check out my other story Roman's Adventures in Wonderland if you were looking for better content

Logan was quiet on their drive over to the hospital. This was far from his plans for the night, but he supposed this was more important than his schedules.

A normal person would be able to come to that conclusion immediately, wouldn’t they? 

Goodness gracious, he really wasn’t human, was he? They’d called him a robot multiple times, and he supposed he was. 

Although Vanessa Cordill was typically the one to say this, and she wasn’t exactly a fountain of truth, was she? 

The insult still got to him. Maybe it was just because of human nature. Or maybe it was because it was true. 

Who knows?

The trees and cars outside the window flew by. He recognized some of the buildings on the edge of the road as being near the hospital, they must be getting close.

Sure enough, 5 minutes and 16 seconds later they were pulling into the parking lot for the hospital. They had to park pretty far out, it seemed the hospital was busy that day. 

Hm. That was concerning. 

He stepped out of the car, Patton's family rolling up next to their car. He decided to be polite and wait for Patton to appear before they went in. 

This turned out to be a good decision, as the moment Patton stepped foot on the ground he was sprinting towards the hospital. Or, he would have been, if Logan didn't grab his arm in time. 

"Patton!" he scolded. "Be careful."

Patton turned to him with a pitiful look, nearly breaking all of Logan's self-preservation skills.

"If you rush you'll end up knocking someone over and that's not going to be any help," he explained. "And that will not help our situation in the slightest." Patton groaned.

"I gueeeesssssss you're right," Patton said with a huff. The two started making their way across the parking lot, their parents following a few steps behind. 

Patton found his way rushing into the hospital first, Logan following just behind. He watched as Patton glanced around the lobby before launching himself towards Roman, head in his hands, staring down at the ground. Patton moved expertly through the area, surprising Roman with a hug attack. 

Logan, meanwhile, walked over in a calm and composed manner. He ignored the anxiety looming over his head. 

Roman, after collecting his composure, hugged Patton back as the boy sprouted 'thank you's from his mouth like it was a prayer. 

"So, what exactly happened?" Logan asked, raising an eyebrow. Patton reluctantly pulled back to let the boy breathe well enough to speak.

Roman explained everything from his perspective, Patton providing the proper reactions at appropriate times. Logan stayed silent throughout the explanation. 

"Did the doctors tell you they thought it was a suicide attempt?" Patton whimpered at Logan saying 'suicide', but he chose to move on. "That's what we were told at Sanders, at least."

Roman nodded. "His parents are aware, too. They left for a bit to go get some air," he said. Logan glanced around to where Patton and his parents were sat, talking quietly amongst the three of them. 

"And your parents?" Logan asked. Roman glanced up at him. 

"They're not here right now. I... think they know. I could be wrong, though," Logan pondered over this, going to speak before Roman hastily cut him off, changing the subject. His eyes narrowed, but he left the question for another time.

Roman, Patton, and Logan discussed many subjects in the time that passed. From asking why, to Care Bears (brought up by Patton, naturally). From the chemical composure of the Sun, to would he be okay, to acting, to what happens if he's gone? They were going around in circles, always coming back to the negatives. It was starting to get on Logan's nerves. 

But still, he drew the attention away from those negatives to other topics. The boring, dull parts of his day, today's homework, the Big Bang Theory, no, Roman, not the TV show, etc.. He tried his best, and for the most part, his best seemed to be good enough. 

Eventually, they decided to let other people in his room. Virgil's parents were the first to go in, while the rest of them were left. Not too far from where they had started. 

"How long've you been here, Ro?" Patton asked. Logan bit his tongue, anxiety starting to act up. _Don't correct him, it's okay. Don't correct him, don't correct him don't-_

"Since he arrived," Roman replied, curling into himself slightly. Logan frowned, attempting to focus on the conversation at hand instead of the anxiety that was metaphorically biting him in the neck. 

"Aw, Roman!" Patton cooed, giving Roman another hug and, goodness, the number of hugs that had been given must be in the hundreds by now. At least they weren't directed at him. 

He spoke too soon.

Patton turned in his seat, facing Logan before giving him a hug, too. 

Oh, God.

What was he supposed to do here? What was he supposed to do with his hands? Was he supposed to say something? If so, what? Was this a hug of sympathy or of needed comfort? Who was Patton trying to soothe?

Before he could figure out what to do, Patton pulled away. 

"Sorry," he explained, wiping at a tear making it's way down his face. "I just... wanted to hug you."

I nodded. "That is... alright, I suppose."

So that's the reason...

\--

Virgil's parents came back in the room, not speaking much about what they talked to him about. They explained that he was alright, doctors were still doing tests on him, but he would most likely survive. The three boys all sighed in relief, almost 

"I think," Roman started, the others turning to him. "I think I should go in alone? He might be mad at me or somethin', and I don't want him to blame any of you for the actions I did."

"I- Ro, what would he have to be mad about? Why would he blame you? You saved him!" Patton cut in, fiddling with his hands in his lap. Roman shook his head slightly, sighing. 

"I don't think he wanted to be saved," he explained. "So he'll... probably be mad at me."

Realistically, that was a possibility. If Virgil intended to kill himself, he must've done it for a reason, and not wanted to come back.

Logan couldn't find it in himself to care much about Virgil's thoughts on being back. Virgil was with the rest of them for a reason, they were getting better. Even Logan could remember being happy and playing around as a child, and that's what he told himself every time it got hard.

The happiness was to come. It had happened before, it could happen again.

It would happen again.

He was sure of it.

"Oh, Roman," Virgil's mother said. "I'm sure it'll all work out fine." Roman looked doubtful, but nodded anyway.

"I'd still like to go in alone, though. Just... just in case."

And that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YOU
> 
> YEAH YOU
> 
> I HAVE A DISCORD SERVER NOW FOR MY FICS
> 
> https://discord.gg/njxscPm
> 
> I'd really love it if you'd join. Social anxiety is a bitch but also like... you can count it as an exposure ;) also I just,, adore talking to people who know my fic and I adore meeting new people so like?????? YEs???
> 
> also to be fair they did suggest that I post this as it is instead of attempting to write more. On the other hand they did push me to write today and I love yall on my server <3
> 
> I really hope to see ya join!
> 
> Love you all regardless,  
Aster


	13. Repeat. Restart. Restore.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, the chapter that just Would Not be written. It's at like 1150 words so I think it's the shortest chapter, too.
> 
> Thank you all for being patient as I struggled to write or even find motivation to write. I can't apologize enough.

There was bound to be a reason he was still alive but for the life of him (ha!) he couldn’t figure out why.

Part of him, the part that stayed with him from what  _ should’ve  _ been his last moments, was grateful to whoever saved him. 

The other dreaded having to live (pfft-) with the aftermath.

So, really, he was in a very  _ tough  _ situation, a very  _ rough  _ and  _ anxiety-inducing  _ situation that he wasn’t 100% sure he wanted to endure.

But it proved to be too late to go back as the door opened and his parents, plus his doctor, walked into the room. 

\--

Yes, he had fucked up, but at least he didn’t  _ majorly _ fuck up! The doctor told him he shouldn’t have  _ many _ breathing problems, and that he shouldn’t have many mental issues (well, that he didn’t have before,) but they would have to perform some tests to truly make sure. 

Granted, this was said over the loud crying of his parents (ouch, a hit right to the heart, the heart that really shouldn’t be beating right now,) but Virgil was pretty sure he got the gist of it. 

He really shouldn’t be so happy right now. He had been stopped (by who, he didn’t know), so obviously he should be pissed at whoever stopped him. And, while he wasn’t  _ ecstatic _ about it, he felt that he shouldn’t be thinking so positively. 

He was a big mess of emotions right now, which fucking sucked because he was supposed to be  _ emo _ goddamn it, he had a reputation. 

\--

“Just walk in- it’s fine! Act confident, just like usual! You won’t know unless you just  _ do it- _ ” the muffled voice that had been pacing outside the room for like, 3 minutes, said. The voice quieted again as the person got further and further away. It’d come back in a few seconds.

Instead of trying to figure out whoever was having a major crisis outside the room, Virgil was trying to make an origami bat with a napkin, with… minimal success. Just when he was about to finish the bat, Roman came into the room, startling Virgil enough that he dropped his creation, sadly watching it unravel towards the ground. 

“Hey,” said the soft voice from the doorway. Virgil looked up, lifting his hand to give a slight wave before continuing to stare solemnly at the napkin. The bat had been named Jerry, and now Jerry was gone forever.

Wow, getting a bit meta there, eh?

“Do you- um,” Roman cut himself off, stuttering a bit before settling on a sentence. “Are you… alright?”

“I’m in a hospital,” Virgil deadpanned. Roman seemed to wince slightly.

“Yeah, sorry,” Roman mumbled, scratching at his arms under the jacket he was wearing. Virgil tilted his head.

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why are you sorry?”

Roman turned his head at that, a worried expression on his face.

“I… I was the one who saved you,” he said. Virgil’s eyes widened.

Oh.

That’s why he was nervous.

Should he be nervous? Virgil couldn’t tell. Or rather, should Virgil be mad at Roman? Relieved? Indifferent? Ugh, feelings were stupid.

So instead of an actual response, Virgil made a noise that was not unlike a door creaking open. Roman jerked back slightly, laughing.

“What?” He said, hand coming up to hide his giggles. Virgil shrugged, reaching down to grab the napkin, nearly falling off his… ‘bed thingy’ while doing so. Was there a specific term for that? He didn’t know. Whatever.

Roman didn’t question it, just fiddled with his hands as he awkwardly looked anywhere  _ but _ Virgil. That’s one thing Virgil liked about Roman, he mostly just accepted the weird things others would do.

“Are you mad at me?” Roman blurted out suddenly. Virgil bit his lip, shrugging once more.

“I don’t think… no. I’m not mad at you.” He gave a soft smile at his friend, watching as Roman seemed to brighten up. He could practically  _ see _ the stars in his eyes. If this is what made Roman so happy, maybe he should say it more often…

Nah, he had a reputation.

“Can I hug you?” Roman asked, bouncing on his toes. Jeez, he really acted like Patton sometimes. Virgil sighed, then nodded. He was quickly enveloped in a soft hug, Roman presumably worried about hurting him. He smiled slightly, returning the hug.

He felt happy.

What a wonderful way to feel.

Roman pulled away and practically bounced to the other side of the room. Virgil giggled quietly.

“Un momento, I’m gonna go grab Patton and Logan,” Roman started before dashing out the door and down the hall.

Virgil focused his attention back on Jerry, attempting to rearrange the bat. Roman was nice, he felt sorry for ever believing he was a prick. And he was smart, too, not so much academally, but people-smart. He thought that Virgil might be angry.

It was stupid, but the fact that Roman had thought about  _ his _ feelings was adorable. Wait, wrong word, more like… touching.

Yeah, sure, whatever, moving on-

It was interesting how attached Virgil had become to his friends. He typically took a long time to trust people, or to even consider them his friend. Maybe it was because they were all dealing with similar problems. Maybe they were just great people like that. 

It’s not often that you’ll find Virgil smiling when you mention a name. That’s what made his friends so special.

Okay, sentimental time over, welcome back to the real world.

He didn’t glance up as the door opened, too focused on creating Jerry. He mumbled a sort of half-greeting, sticking his tongue out as he focused on folding.

“Virgil!” Patton cheered, rushing up to his side. Virgil smiled up at him.

“Hey, Patt,” He greeted, turning back to Jerry. “Hey Lo.” he added after.

“Ohh, I’m so sorry kiddo! We didn’t show you enough love- we didn’t hug you enough- we didn’t check up on you enough- we-”

“It’s fine, Patton,” Virgil said. “You all helped me a lot. I was just… having a bad day… I’m so sorry for the scare, really, I won’t mind if you hate me now, and I’m sorry for worrying you and making you sad and-”

“Don’t you dare apologize!” Patton interrupted, enveloping Virgil in a hug. Virgil laughed.

“Only if you won’t,” he relented, Patton nodding in return.

They exchanged smiles.

“Can I hug you?” Patton asked. Virgil nodded, quickly being enveloped in yet another hug.

He wasn’t okay.

His mind was still screaming at him, he still had the scars of the past, and he had hurt all his friends.

But he could do this, couldn’t he?

He was getting help. His parents, his friends, therapy, those were all ways of getting help.

Virgil felt a tear slip down his cheek, the traitorous bastard.

He wasn’t okay.

He wouldn’t be for a while.

  
  


But maybe Virgil could get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's arc isn't over yet. Going back to therapy is going to be a fun trip.
> 
> Can I just say how much I love y'all? Cos I love y'all. You all make me so happy. Over 200 comments (legitimately half by me lmao, I reply to every comment, so more like 100 but shh) and 200 kudos!! I'm coming for the 1 page of most kudo-ed fics. I'm coming for it. This book is far from done and if this story keeps growing at this rate I'm gonna get there, dammit. 
> 
> I HAVE A DISCORD SERVER BECAUSE I'M TURNING INTO AN EXTROVERT. HERE'S THE LINK- https://discord.gg/njxscPm
> 
> tumblr is astrozones and twitter is astrozone3
> 
> With love,  
Aster.


	14. Life According to Roman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman exists. He doesn't have much fun, but that's okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs like I didn't take far too long on updating this* hey guys
> 
> if you didn't know, I have another book called Roman's Adventures in Wonderland, and I updated that fic between this long period of no updates for SBH. So yeah, I didn't _completely_ fuck off into oblivion. And I'll have you know that I was very active on my discord *coughcough PLEASE JOIN MY DISCORD LINK AT THE BOTTOM coughcough*
> 
> i think im supposed to say something else here but idk. Happy late birthday to me, if you didn't know. I deleted the chapter where I talked about it, but my birthday was February 2nd! :D At what point does "happy late birthday" turn into "happy early birthday"?

_ Oh fuck, emotions. _

Roman stared up at the ceiling. 3 days had passed since the incident, and Virgil was set to return to group that very day.

He flopped over so that his face was shoved into his pillow as he screamed.

He felt like  _ shit _ .

At this point, he wasn’t sure whether this was because he was still 100% certain Virgil hated him, or he was actually sick. Did it really matter? Eh, probably, but he was a bit too tired to think that over right now. He screamed into his pillow again. Shush, it was a pleasant activity, okay?

He huffed, forcing himself up and out of his bed, stalking over to his window. He sighed for what must be the 153rd time that day, and contemplated just opening the window and screaming out into the wilderness. 

Unfortunately, he figured that anyone within 10 miles of his house would call the police once he let all his feelings out into the world.

Haha, dark humor. Or something.

_God_, he was tired.

His body jerked involuntarily as he felt a tear slip down his cheek. Holy shit, why was he crying? He wiped at his eyes, berating himself for _crying_ like a _baby_ when he was so privileged that he shouldn't have to. He was from a rich family, he _had_ friends, finally, and no one at school really bothered him. He was never pushed around, kicked, or shoved, nothing even close.

They did talk about him, though. When he wouldn't show up, or showed up looking like he hadn't slept in days (he hadn't). Or that one time he forgot to take his nail polish off, _god_ that was a horrible day. He didn't hear anything himself, but he just knew they were talking, looking, laughing at him.

He shook his head, turning around to cross to the door once he had _stopped crying_. The point was, he had everything he could ever want, so he was invalid and shouldn't be feeling so bad for all he had. 

It didn't make him feel much better at all.

He made his way down a staircase, forcibly stopping himself from attempting to slide down the railing like he was Mary Poppins. Last time he had done so, well... it didn't end up well. Unless you liked having a broken arm, that is. 

He didn't regret it. 

Grabbing his mini-backpack he had specifically for small outings, he headed outside to go to the park.

It was a quiet, sunny day as Roman walked towards his destination. Nearly all of his peers would be in school by now, unless they were skipping, like him. Well, he wasn't exactly _skipping_ because that would imply he had been to school at least once today. He just wasn't going. 

He hadn't gone for ages, so, really, what was the point? He would just be busy the whole day with missing assignments and he just couldn't do that today, not if he wanted to keep his composure.

He hummed as he strolled, approaching the playground area. Part of him vaguely wondered if he'd see those kids he'd encountered however long ago it was.

What were their names? Adrian and Joy? Something like that. A small part of him wondered if they would be at the park today, though the more sensible part of him told himself that was irrational, the kids would most likely be at school. 

He made his way towards the playground, skipping along without a care for who would see him. He made his way towards the tallest area of the park- a simple red slide. There was something freeing for him to sit as high up as he could get and just exist. 

The more dangerous, the better. Adds a whole new level of excitement and challenge.

Roman climbed on top of the overhang of the slide, laying out across it and staring at the sky. It was a little uncomfortable, yes, but what's a little bit of uncomfy feelings for a sick place to hang out?

The world was quiet today. No roadwork, no kids running around, no people talking, just Roman and the birds. 

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he closed his eyes. 

Ignore the voices in your head, and just experience life for how it is. 

"It's the prince!" 

_Well, that wasn't a voice in his head._

“Huh?” he asked, shifting in his position, nearly falling off the entire playground in the process, to view the speaker.

Ah, Princess Adrian.

Wait- Adrian?!

“Afternoon, my good sir!” he proclaimed, skillfully maneuvering into a sitting position. “Whatever are you doing out and about on this very day?”

Adrian giggled. “School’s out for firs’ graders tooooooday,” he said.

“That’s fantastic!” Roman gasped. “Or is it? Pray tell, Princess Adrian, is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Issa good thing!” the boy chirped. “I don’t like school much. Some of the other kids don’ unders- under… stand? How I’m a Princess, but das okay! Michael said it didn’t matter, bu’ Jamie said I’d be a Prince cos I’ma boy,”

Roman frowned, hopping down and crouching so he was next to the boy. 

“Did they say mean things to you?” he asked. Adrian shook his head. “That’s good! Why don’t you like school?”

“‘Ts scary,” he admitted, chewing on his fingernail. “I don’ like it,”

When Roman asked what was scary about it, the boy just shrugged.

“Well,” he started. “That just makes you brave,” 

At the boy’s confused glance, he continued. “If you face school everyday, even though it’s scary, that makes you very, very brave, young sir. Even against all odds, you managed to come out on top again and again! What an amazing feat that is.”

Roman knew he had done well when Adrian bounced up and down and hugged him with a giant grin. He returned the hug, careful not to hurt the child.

“Tank you,” he mumbled into Roman’s shoulder. He chuckled.

“You’re braver than I could ever be, little Princess.”

“Nuh-uh!” Princess Adrian shook his head almost violently. “You can do anything!

“You’re Prince Roman!”

\--

“Prince, Roman?” the school’s secretary asked as he stood there, awkwardly gripping his backpack straps.

“Yes,” he answered. Mrs. Linn typed a few things in before turning back to him.

“So you say you felt sick this morning but you feel better now?” She asked, Roman nodding along. “Hm. Alright, final class of the day is about to start so you’d better hurry along.”

And with that, Roman took a deep breath and entered the school building for the 4th time that school year. 

\--

Roman attempted to fix his absolute mess of hair in his locker mirror as the bell rang, students filing out and heading to their final classes. He huffed, fighting back tears as he accepted he’d just have to walk around like this.

_ Breathe, Roman, breathe.  _

He glanced at his schedule to check that he knew where he was going. Yup,  _ Drama Class -- Mr. Lane, 207.  _

He made his way through the halls, ignoring the voice in his head that told him they were all  _ laughing at him- so ugly, so disgusting. Idiotic, can’t even go to school.  _

Okay, maybe he was listening to it a little bit. A lot bit. Was that a phrase? Whatever.

He walked through the door, the anxiety hitting him almost as if he had actually walked into the door again. He glanced around, spotting Patton searching through his backpack in the far corner of the room. 

“Hey,” he murmured, approaching Patton. He spun around, looking at Roman and beaming.

“Roman! Hey! I didn’t know you were in this class!” he said, gesturing to the seat beside him. “You can sit here if you want!”

“Yeah, whenever I come to school I usually leave before the end of the day,” he said, sitting down. Patton looked curious, but didn’t say anything. 

“Alrighty! Well, we just chose the play we’re gonna do yesterday, and character auditions are next Tuesday! Then role auditions are on Thursday, er, auditions for stuff like director and set designer and stuff.”

Roman nodded, watching as Patton skipped up to the teacher and brought him some papers. They explained the play, the characters, and the requirements. 

Roman took another deep breath. 

He  _ really _ wanted to do the play. But he also  _ really _ didn’t like going to school. Even if he only came to school on Tuesday next week, if he somehow managed to get a main part, he’d have to consistently go to school everyday.

  
  
  


God, he  _ really, really _ wanted to do the play. Maybe he  _ could  _ do it.

Maybe he could find the courage to go to school everyday.

For the play.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, making Adrian (and eventually Joy again) reappear to be a comfort character: YES. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
> 
> Also, Roman going to school wasn't even meant to happen it just did lmao-- I'm not complaining though. If you've struggled going to school, you know how hard it can be. I'm very proud of him.
> 
> I'm also very proud of all my friends on my discord and all my friends via this fic and honestly? Mostly everyone in general. I just love y'all. 
> 
> Even simple achievements are things to celebrate.
> 
> Anyways. My Tumblr is astrozones.tumblr.com andd twitter is astrozone3 and(x2) my discord is AstroZone#2971
> 
> MY DISCORD SERVER IS https://discord.gg/njxscPm   
blease join me i just love talking to y'all
> 
> also I was in therapy for nine weeks so if you need to vent I do, in fact, know some stuff. 
> 
> Signing off,  
Aster <3


	15. A Day in the Life of a Patton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton is sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you ever just accidentally take a month-long break? I assure you, the doubt and regret about how your new upload will be taken is definitely worth it and I'm totally not being sarcastic and this isn't a cry for help-

Patton was sad today.

Even so, he walked through the door of Sanders’, grinning at the others, but especially Virgil, since he was finally,  _ finally _ coming back today!

“Shit-” Vessie whispered as she dropped her binder. It skidded to a stop by Patton’s foot, and he leaned down to help her pick it up. 

“Ay, thanks dude,” she said. “You really didn’t have to help, though.”

“Oh, it was my pleasure!” Patton grinned at her, handing her back a pen. Vessie shuffled awkwardly. 

“Ya…” she trailed off, blinking a couple times before speaking up again. “One of the… uh, things I’m s’posed to do is, like, doin’ stuff for myself, though? I’unno, it’s one of the thingies they told me to do cos I tend to just, like, kinda stare at the problem ‘till it goes away if ya feel?”

“Oh,” Patton replied. “Sorry!”

“Nah, it’s no problem, you didn’t know.” She waved him off, turning around only to be greeted with the sight of Holly sitting in the chair she had just been in.

“Hey!” She shouted, Patton sighing before turning to see the door opening. He smiled at the thought of hanging out with his closer friends.

Wait- that’s not to say he didn’t like the other group! 

It’s just that Vessie was too  _ loud _ and casual, and made him uncomfortable sometimes- but it was fine! She wouldn’t know since he didn’t say anything about it.

And Willow seemed sweet, but she was just too quiet and hard to talk to, not to mention when she  _ did _ talk he could hardly hear her, and  _ then _ he had to ask her to speak up which felt so rude!

Then with Jayden, it felt like he was talking to a wall- half the time he was sure the boy wasn’t listening to him! He  _ tried _ to communicate, but Jayden only ever talked with the staff!

Holly just- well… Holly was… not the nicest person, if Patton had to admit. She scared him, a  _ lot _ . She reminded him of Vanessa, in a way. In a very, very scary way. It wasn’t Holly  _ or _ Vanessa’s fault that he was kinda-maybe-very scared of them. It was just Patton’s stupid brain making stupid  _ assumptions _ once again. 

“Patton?” A voice asked, and his head shot up, blinking rapidly. Somehow, in his zoned-out state, he had ended up in the check-in room, and now everyone was looking at him expectantly.

“Hm? What?” he asked, an awkward laugh tailing the end of his sentence.

“It’s your turn to share with the rest of us,” Becca explained. Patton glanced down at his paper, finding, with surprise, that he had already filled out the paper with his typical answers. There was even a little doodle of a flower on the side!

“Right! Sorry, zoned out,” he shot them all an apologetic grin. “Well, my mood is neutral, I completed the homework and I worked on…”

\--

“Hey, Patt,” Virgil greeted, slumping into the seat beside him. He awkwardly fiddled with his hoodie strings, glancing around at the others. His gaze lingered on Roman for a beat, before he turned back to Patton.

“Hey, Virge!” Patton replied, the sound muffled by the fruit snacks in his mouth. He swallowed. “How’d your meeting with Charlie go?”

Virgil shrugged. “It went alright, I guess,” he said. “They’re really worried ‘bout me, and I understand  _ why _ , but it’s kinda… frustrating, I guess. Everybody’s always treating me like I’ll break at too much pressure except for you guys,” he gestured to the other two with a sigh.

“Well, kiddo, we all just want you to know that we care about you! I understand the struggle, but you’re gonna have to live with it for a while.” Patton said, pulling Virgil into a side-hug.

“Logan, I recommend you stop rearranging your supplies,” Becca warned, causing the others to glance up at Logan.

“But it’s the designated break time,” Logan defended. “I shouldn’t have to do exposures at this time.”

Becca shook her head. “We can’t force you to do anything, Logan, but in order to get better sometimes you have to make sacrifices.” 

“ _ I know that _ ,” Logan hissed out. “I just thought I didn’t have to do it even now.” he continued, pushing his binder away, which hit the pens he had organized beside it. He sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. 

Patton frowned, getting out of his seat and plopping down in the one next to Logan. “What’s up?” he asked.

“Nothing, I just…” Logan trailed off for a few moments, adjusting himself back to his normal stature. “I feel… patronized.”

At Patton’s dubious look, he continued. “An equivalent could be making ‘fun of’ me. I simply don’t enjoy people acting like I’m an idiot. I felt like Becca was patronizing me.”   
  
“Oh, I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that! She’s just trying her best to help you!” Patton put his hand on Logan’s shoulder. Logan’s eyes glanced towards his hand but he didn’t say anything. Sighing, he turned back to his binder, and Patton let the subject drop. He obviously wasn’t helping the situation…

“Um,” Roman began, sitting aside from the others, interrupting Patton’s train of thought (not that he was complaining, it sucked, even if he deserved it). “I went to school today! So… that’s good… I don’t normally do that.”

“That’s good!” Becca repeated. Patton just felt a bit confused. Surely he would get into a buncha trouble with the school if he wasn’t going? Maybe he just kept getting sick in the middle of the day? Or… he was lying… but that would be bad, and Roman wasn’t bad? Right..?

“More than me,” Virgil mumbled, causing Roman to shrug. 

“I would’ve stayed home, and I did for the first half, but… I’unno, something inspired me, I guess.”

“I don’t know,” Logan corrected under his breath. If Roman heard, he didn’t give any indication of it.

“What inspired you to?” Becca asked. Roman laughed awkwardly, muttering ‘it’s kinda weird,’ under his breath. Becca encouraged him to tell the tale.

\--

Logan blinked and jutted his head backwards as Roman mentioned an ‘Adrian’.

“Who’s that?” Patton asked, causing Roman to cut off and let his hands drop in his lap. He tilted his head.

“Adrian? He’s just a kid that goes to the park near me, he goes by Princess Adrian, though.”

“Oh!” Patton cut in again. “I remember Logan telling us about that! Er, one time when you both were there! Along with Adrian and… the other one?” Roman smiled, chuckling softly.

“Yeah, Princess Adrian and Princess Joy. Joy wasn’t there this time, though. Adrian told me he was scared of going to school, so I told him he was brave for facing it every day. He said I was brave, too, and I dunno, I suppose it just inspired me to go to school.”

Patton cooed. “That’s so sweet!”

“Yeah…” Roman trailed off. Patton felt like hugging him, but stopped himself since recently no one had been liking his hugs, so  _ obviously _ they weren’t working. 

Becca clapped, nearly startling Patton out of his seat. “Alright, snack time’s over, time to get back to exposures,” she said, causing Roman to let out an impressive 40-second groan of anguish. Patton giggled at his friend’s dramatics.

And thus, the day continued as usual, Patton hugged Virgil before smiling at the front desk lady, his other friends, and his dad who had come to pick him up. He was the epitome of glee.

  
  


And Patton cried himself to sleep that night, dreams filled with tears, screams, and death.

Same old thing as always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay d'ya know Roman's Playlist?? Broadway Here I Come is the fourth song in the playlist and??? It's a song about committing suicide??? my boy, Roman, are you okay??? (I mean we all know the answer to that, but damn I thought I was being over-dramatic with my Romangst, but nope... damn)
> 
> Anyway, sorry for disappearing for way over a month, it was an impromptu break and I'm super sorry about it. I may be a writer, but words cannot express my apologies to be worth anything. I hope you enjoyed the chapter regardless.
> 
> Sometime in the middle of my break, the end of the quarter was nearing at school, so I have that? As an excuse for some of it... And then another quarter started and oops, already a lot of homework :)) fun?
> 
> Can I just say I really really love y'all even if you don't forgive me? I just,, love you all, every single one of you reading, even if you despise my story. I was cursed with too much love, but dammit if I'll let it hit me with empathy all the time without using it for y'all <3
> 
> Tumblr is astrozones or astrozone idk one of those, it's the one with the kermit the frog w glasses, and twitter is astrozone3
> 
> Discord server is https://discord.gg/cjfZUX


	16. Logan's Impossibilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a day for Logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to quite possibly the most boring chapter of this story  
like seriously what the hell is this
> 
> anyway, I've decided to update my update schedule to once every 10 days, because 100 words per day seems to be much more achievable for my depressed self.

Logan wasn’t dumb.

Far from it, actually, if his grades have anything to say about it.

He was top of his class for every subject, aside from gym where he allowed himself to slack off a miniscule amount. That’s not to say he was the ‘weak nerd’ stereotype, he had the strength of the average man, and his tight study schedule had a fifteen minute period for Logan to work out before going back to his books.

And that was fine. That was smart, that was sensible.

What wasn’t sensible, smart, or fine, was this  _ stupid OCD. _ Goodness, what day of the month was it? Because the amount of times he’s cursed his OCD from the start of the month to whatever day it was now was increasing at an abhorrent rate.

He wanted to cry. He shook his head.  _ No, you don’t want to cry, you’re just overexaggerating your nonexistent feelings.  _

His fingers itched to move the pen as it lay perpendicular to his binder. It was more that just desire, it was  _ yearning,  _ yearning to simply pick up the pen and adjust it. After all, it wouldn’t hurt anybody.

But apparently it  _ would _ hurt him, or at least not help his OCD in the slightest. Again, his OCD was stupid.

He sighed, reaching out and turning the pen just so, and his anxiety bugged him until he got it  _ just right. _

_ That’s a submit. _

He pulled out his ‘ban book’, a small, blue notebook where they wrote down their submits and resists for OCD reactions.

_ That’s 23 submits for rearranging and… 3 resists. _

He groaned, carding a hand through his hair, and wiping away at budding tears.  _ Coward. _

_ Breathe in, breathe out. Calm down. _   
  


Logan allowed himself a couple minutes to get his breathing under control.  _ Breathe in…. Hold……. Breathe out…….. _

** _Brrring!_ **

He startled, glancing around quickly before remembering that was the timer he set. Goodness…

He shook himself out of his thoughts, reset his timer, and started on his studying once again.

\--

OCD wasn’t  _ logical _ , and it never would be, yet the effects of it still affected Logan far,  _ far  _ too much. He pulled out his ban book with another sigh, striking a mark for obsessionally checking that he hadn’t left anything behind in his last class.

“Yoink!” Someone yelled, plucking his notebook out of his hands.  _ Vanessa _ , of course. He gave her an unimpressed stare. “What’s this?” she asked.

“Perhaps I would be more interested in informing you about it if you  _ gave it back _ -” he said, lunging for the book. She deftly dodged his attempt. 

“Yeah, no, I’ll just guess.” she flipped through the book. He huffed.

“Submit? Resist? What are these… do’s and do-not’s?”

He rolled his eyes. “They’re things I’m not supposed to do, though I’m not surprised you failed to understand that with your level of… well, unintelligence.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m not the one who failed… 33 times for rearranging things.” she clicked her tongue. “Surely that’s easy, hun.”

“Don’t-” he sighed. “Don’t call me that, and give me back my book. It’s for therapy.”

“Therapy, you say?” she plopped the notebook in his hands. “Aww, Logan, I always knew you weren’t right in the head!” she ruffled his hair. He stepped away with a snarl. 

“You call that an insult? You’ve done better, Vanessa.”

“Just you wait, Logan.” she replied. “This ain’t the best of my abilities. Soon enough, you’ll regret saying those words.”

Logan rolled his eyes, walking out of view.  _ Quit the dramatics, Vanessa, this is high school. _

\-- 

Walking into the lunchroom, he sat down in his usual spot.  _ Unlike  _ usual, Patton came and sat right next to him, Roman following soon after.

“Hiya, Lo! See, Roman, I  _ told  _ you he has the same lunch period as us.” Patton said, setting his backpack down. Logan gave them both a tight smile. He wasn’t used to people…  _ willingly _ sitting next to him.

“Hello, Log-In,” Roman greeted. Logan frowned.

“My name is Loga- oh, it was a nickname” he sighed, feeling embarrassed. Roman nodded, using his fork to tap against the side of the lunch tray, a tune he couldn’t recognize. 

“Sorry for the confusion, specs, but yeah.” he said with a glance at the rest of the cafeteria. An awkward silence settled between the group.

“I made you guys something!” Patton suddenly chirped, pulling a box out of his backpack. “Cupcakes!”

“Cupcakes!” Roman repeated, Patton handing him a red one. “Thank you, Padre, for the delectable treat.”

Patton handed him the snack. Logan smiled back at him in thanks. “Of course! You both are my friends! I made one for Virgil, too, but he isn’t her- oh, wait, there he is.” Patton pointed behind the other two, causing them to look back, where, indeed, Virgil was seated. “Hey, Virgil!”

Virgil startled, looking up and over at their group. He waved slightly, before turning back and fiddling with his food. 

“Hold on,” Patton said, standing up to walk over to their friend. Logan and Roman watched as they interacted, Virgil eventually coming over to join them.

“Hey,” he greeted, sitting down next to Patton. Roman grinned, and Logan gave him a nod. 

“Now we’re all here!” Patton chirped, handing a purple cupcake over. “Here, I found a funny video to show you all! Except- wait- argh! I have to help Camden with club stuff today!” he fiddled with his bracelet nervously. “I’m  _ super _ sorry guys, but I have to go.”

And with that, he was off.

“Erm, alright…” Virgil said after a beat. “Guess that happened.”

Logan nodded solemnly. “I’ve noticed that Patton’s very busy, I’m surprised he even managed to stay here for as long as he did.”

Roman smiled. “At least we get to hang out with Virgil, too, now.” he said. Glancing up, Logan noticed that Virgil blushed slightly as he muttered his agreement.

_ Ugh, emotions. _

He may not be good at them but he could recognize  _ that _ from a mile away.

“Right, well, I suggest that we do away with our food as the bell is due to ring, well,” he paused. The bell rang. “Now.”

And that was all to an uneventful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> figured I'd ring in one of our secondary antagonists, the first being the boy's minds themselves. 
> 
> I genuinely don't like this chapter, but it does introduce the ban book, which is a good therapy technique thingy to use in your own life.
> 
> psst, love y'all <3 thank you for your continued support, even while I've been going through a bit of strife. I genuinely love each and every one of you, and I know I've said that before, but I like reminding y'all.
> 
> Discord server: https://discord.gg/ThrkEC  
Tumblr: astrozones  
Twitter: astrozone3


	17. Vir-gill?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil starts on facing some of his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short and sweet chapter about facing fears.

One fault he quickly found out was a result to his suicide attempt was that large bodies of water scared him. Very, very much. The bus had passed a lake on the way to school and Virgil quickly found himself dealing with a panic attack at the back of the bus.

Great.

He asked Becca about what his next move should be, only for Becca to tell him that the best way to get over the fear was to experience it.

Which led him to now, staring down at Roman’s lake once more, keeping his breathing in check.

“I can go in first if you’d like,” Roman offered, the only other person here. “To show that it’s safe… or something.” 

“Okay,” Virgil said after a few moments of pause. “That might work.”

And with a smile that had his quick heart skipping a few beats, Roman dove into the water, quickly surfacing and giving him a wave. Virgil gave him a tight smile.

He walked to the very edge of the water, slowly walking into it enough that only his feet were submerged. 

_ In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. _

He crept forward, keeping himself distracted by watching Roman swimming around. As he dove underwater, Virgil let himself walk two big steps forward, the water just under his knees. The sand was squishy under his feet.

_ He was underwater, he couldn’t  _ ** _breathe-_ **

“You’re doing great, V!” a voice interrupted his thought. He focused on the world, the  _ real _ world, as Roman talked to him.

He had never been more grateful for a person’s interruption than now. He gave a shaky smile and a soft “thank you.”

Roman simply grinned, eyes crinkling shut. His wet hair was plastered against his face before he dove underwater once more.

_ Breathe in, breathe out _ .

Closing his eyes, Virgill crept further and further into the water, keeping one hand on the nearby dock until the water was up to his shoulders. He opened his eyes once more, greeted with the sight of Roman watching him before quickly blushing and looking away.

He gulped. The next step would be… putting his head underwater, and there was no way to describe how much he  _ didn’t _ want to do that.

Cold, hard fear gripped his body, colder than the water surrounding him. He held onto the dock with all his might.

“You okay?” Roman asked, swimming over to him. He shrugged. “I offer hugs?”

“... That would be nice,” he admitted quietly. Roman scooped him up in a hug that had Virgil giggling. He shoved a hand over his mouth, with a whispered, “Oops.”

Roman set him back down. “Maybe just start swimming out further into the center of the pool? So you don’t have to go underwater just yet? I dunno, it might help.”

Virgil shrugged. “Might as well.”

He maneuvered to the middle, pushing through the panic that chanted ‘ _ there wasn’t anything beneath him, he was going to drown _ .’ 

_ Breathe in, breathe out _ .

“I could flick water at you,” Roman suggested. “Or, like, push you underwater.”

Virgil shook his head vehemently. “No, no way, not ever, no thanks, bad idea.”

Roman laughed. “Alright,” he said, before swimming under once more. Virgil squinted at his form.  _ He better not try and drag me down.  _

_ Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, and- _

He went under.

Fear struck him once more, but he pushed through it as he opened his eyes. He could vaguely see Roman looking back at him from a couple feet away. He waved. Virgil waved back before surfacing once more.

“You did it!” Roman cheered once he came back up. “Yeah!”

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed quietly, breathing slowly.  _ I did it. _

_ I did it! _

He couldn’t stop a smile from forming on his face. He actually did it. He did something that gave him anxiety and- and he got through it! He did it! And no one got hurt, especially not himself. Nothing bad even happened.

He was… okay?

Yeah. He was.

Glancing up, he noticed Roman was watching him with a smile on his face. He splashed water towards him. Roman spluttered.

“Wha- hey!” he said, and Virgil dove underwater before he could get splashed back. The anxiety was still there, yelling at him, but it wasn’t as bad! He was still okay!

He grabbed Roman’s leg and yanked him back under, resurfacing himself. Pushing his hair out of his eyes, he grinned as Roman came up with a huff, splashing him with water. 

“Unfair,” he mumbled. Virgil just laughed. 

“That’s what you get for inviting me here!” he said. The only response he got was another splash to the face. This started a giant splashing war that went on for ten minutes, only stopping with Roman finally admitting defeat.

Virgil found that he hadn’t been worrying about the water at all while playing around with Roman. The only thing that had been on his mind was himself, Roman, and revenge.

It was fun.

How much else had he been missing?

\--

Virgil took a deep breath in, staring down at the water beneath the dock. He was just going to dive in, simple. He wasn’t sure why this was- no,  _ seemed _ so hard, seeing as he had already gone under before. 

_ Maybe just… do it? _

He couldn’t move his feet. Not an inch, much less the two feet needed to get to the edge. 

_ Deep breaths, or whatever. _

_ Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on something else.  _ He glanced around.  _ Roman _ . Roman was swimming around, which he seemed prone to doing. He was laying on his back, the front of his body exposed to the sky above them. 

If he were close enough, Virgil would definitely push him underwater, but to do that he would have to  _ get in the water _ . 

His inspiration was a bit warped, but dammit if it didn’t work. Taking a  _ deep, deep breath _ , he ran forward to dive into the water, aiming to splash water all over his friend.

He swam down, down,  _ down _ , ignoring as his panic surged. This was all part of the exposure, right?

<strike> _ Well, technically he only needed to go in the water today, but Virgil  _ ** _really_ ** _ didn’t want to disappoint the people at Sanders. _ </strike>

His hand brushed against the sand, and he swam up as fast as he could, taking deep breaths when he surfaced. He turned, only to see Roman glaring at him. He smirked. 

“Having fun?”

Roman simply stuck his tongue out in response, splashing water at him. Virgil giggled, hiding it behind his hand.

Okay, maybe this exposure thing wasn’t  _ too hard _ after all.

(That was a hard maybe.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *points at you* hey! I'm not late this time, I swear! I posted chapter 2 for something on the 22nd! that reset the timer, so I'm exactly on time, 10 days later! haha! >:3
> 
> love y'all, and thanks for not giving up on me.
> 
> hope you enjoyed
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/vVKBPzg
> 
> Tumblr: astrozones
> 
> Twitter: astrozone3
> 
> <3


	18. Roman's Razzle and Dazzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just more Roman angst, frankly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new plan! I was originally going to start on Roman's arc next, following the order of the chapter pov's, but I've decided that it doesn't have enough lead-up to it yet, so next arc is going to be Patton's, then followed by Roman!

_ Give 'em the old razzle dazzle _

_ Razzle dazzle 'em _

_ Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it _

_ And the reaction will be passionate _

Acting was easy, at least to Roman. Pretend like you’re somebody else. Pretend like you aren’t really hurting, that you aren’t struggling along with life.

_ Razzle dazzle 'em _

_ Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous _

_ Row after row will grow vociferous _

He could imagine himself on the stage as he spoke to others, reminiscent of a play where only one person would act, the rest improvising along the way.

As he stopped talking, he had the urge to take a bow.

_ Give 'em the old razzle dazzle _

_ Razzle dazzle 'em _

_ Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are _

_ Long as you keep 'em way off balance _

_ How can they spot you've got no talents? _

_ Razzle dazzle 'em _

He can practically hear the applause as he walks away from his mother. He  _ would _ go grab a snack, seeing as he only ate an apple for lunch, but he wasn’t hungry. He was never hungry. It was okay, he had a small appetite.

(That’s what he told himself, anyway.)

His stomach rumbled, seemingly protesting, but Roman shook his head.  _ He wasn’t hungry _ . 

He sighed, suddenly self-conscious. He was  _ too  _ skinny, wasn’t he? Not to mention he was too loud, too extra, too  _ fat _ .

What even was that? What kind of  _ idiot _ thought he was both too fat  _ and _ too skinny? His thighs were too wide, yet his arms were so skinny that there was practically nothing between the bone and skin.

His chest was so small that you could see his ribs without him needing to breathe in, yet there was an obvious bump where his stomach was.

His feet were too big for his body, he was sure, and when he fidgeted he could see the individual bones of his hands move. Then when he looked just above them, he could see his fat fingers moving with them. He usually stopped fidgeting after that. 

He flopped down on his bed with a sigh. Virgil had just left, so now Roman was wet, sad, and lonely. Fun. 

He blushed at the thought of Virgil. The emo boy had grown on him quickly, what with being so pretty and edgy, the perfect opposite to Roman himself. He had grown an undeniable crush on the boy. How could he not?

Damn, he was so gay. Who knew he’d fall for an emo kid?

He really was pathetic. Not for getting a crush on an emo, but for falling so fast. Granted, this was normal for him, he  _ usually _ grew crushes at the drop of a hat, but wasn’t it stupid that he did?

What was he even complaining about, it’s not like he’d ever get around to telling Virgil about it. He may act confident, but anyone who  _ really  _ knew him knew that he could never do something like that.

Acting in front of hundreds of people? Easy, he was born for it. Telling his crush he liked him? Impossible, never in a million years. 

Ugh, Virgil was so  _ pretty _ , though, he just wanted to hold his hand or cuddle with him for the rest of eternity.

Maybe even…  _ kiss him. _

He shoved his face in his pillow, blushing madly. He was so  _ gone _ on this boy, and his pretty face with just the  _ bluest _ eyes, with the most adorable smirk you’ve ever  _ seen. _

Did he mention that Virgil was pretty yet?

It was just unfortunate that Virgil could never like him back. Not with his awkward proportions, his personality, or his subpar ‘skills’. Sure, there were signs he had picked up on from him, little hints that maybe, just  _ maybe, _ Virgil liked him romantically. But it was impossible, and besides, he had made the mistake of assuming things were in his favor many times over.

Maybe it was the world’s gift, a little something going in his favor?

No, that was impossible. The world didn’t love Roman, no one could.

Oh, but Roman was cursed with hope, with optimism. With dreams, goals, wishes. His free moments were filled with hopeful ideas and impossible wishes. 

And daydreaming about cute boys, apparently.

He should probably start on his homework.

\--

He was so  _ dumb _ . Why couldn’t he be like Logan, and have math come easy to him? He slumped down his chair. He wanted to take a break, but he was already so  _ behind _ , and he would just get in trouble if he was caught slacking off.

He sighed. At least the homework for his other classe was relatively easy, even if they took a lot longer to work on. He’d rather write another essay about poetry than work on his cursed algebra homework.

No. He could do this, he could! He just had to believe in himself and he could do anything! Like Princess Adrian said, he was Prince Roman!

Even if his belief in himself had been dwindling since 6th grade…

…

He kinda wished he had someone to cuddle right now. Like Virgil.

_ Stop pining you piece of shit. _

He sighed, which seemed to be all he was good for nowadays. Sighing and having problems.

…

What the fuck was a polynomial, anyways?

\--

“Roman!” His mother called. Or, more appropriately, yelled. Roman flinched.  _ Uh oh, _ what did he do now?

“Roman!” She screeched again. 

“Coming!” He yelled back, shoving his math book closed. He sprinted down the stairs, nearly tripping over his own feet as he reached the bottom. “Yeah?”

“Did you eat all the chips?” She asked sweetly. Roman paled. He had completely forgotten about that… He nodded. She sighed.

“ _ God, _ Roman, could you not be a failure for a day? You’re going to get even  _ more  _ fat now, Ro. You need to stop.”

He fought back tears.  _ He hardly ate anything, _ junk food was practically the only thing he was getting in his body! How- how could that be so…  _ detrimental? _

He just hated that it was true...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll  
sorry this came out later than it was supposed to :( at least only by a couple days.
> 
> If you didn't know, I uploaded a new chapter to Roman's Adventures in Wonderland before working on this! Next upload will definitely be SBH, though. Feel free to read it if you'd like to <3
> 
> also hey! i have a new server! it's for Roman Stans, or anyone who likes Roman really. Here it is- https://discord.gg/8HGHbJ9
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/vVKBPzg
> 
> Tumblr: astrozones
> 
> Twitter: astrozone3


	19. What's Wrong? What's Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton just wanted a normal day, a happy day. Was that too much to ask for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmm check the end notes if you're sensitive to certain triggers
> 
> but if you're like me and you're able to stomach most everything, feel free to continue on as needed

Patton danced around the room, no steps, no guides, nothing but him and the music playing from his speakers. He hummed along. It wasn’t like anyone was watching him, anyway, not while he was in his room-

“Hey Patty.” A voice called. He spun around to the front of his room, where one Vanessa Cordill stood. He blushed in embarrassment.

“Oh- hi, Vanessa. How’d- how’d you get in here?” he asked, pausing the music and fidgeting with a bracelet he had on.

“Your mom let me in.” She said, dropping her bag on the floor. Patton frowned. _I didn’t say you could stay._ _I _**_don’t_**_ want you to stay._

But of course, he didn’t say that.

“Oh, cool,” he said instead. “Well, uh… welcome to my house! Yeah…”

They stood in silence for a few moments.

“Hey what’s this?” She asked, pulling open his closet door. Patton cringed. It’s not like he had anything inappropriate or incriminating in there, but it was his stuff! He always got worried that someone would make fun of him for his, well, more childish belongings.

“You have, like, way too many stuffed animals, Patt. You need to grow up, like, I could excuse one, but this must be over a hundred.” she rolled her eyes, closing the door. Patton bit his tongue. _ I still love them all! _

He paused as the metallic taste of blood flooded his mouth. _ Shi _ _ \- Shoot, he bit too hard! _

“Hol’ on,” he mumbled. “Bit mah tongue.”

Vanessa nodded, not sparing him a glance. “Mkay, sure, whatever.”

He stumbled into the bathroom, feeling a little shocked. He opened his mouth, looking into the mirror. _ Yikes… _ He shoved a wad of toilet paper into his mouth. _ Water _, he should get water.

He passed his mom on the way to the kitchen, mumbling a soft “hello,” as he passed. She smiled at him.

“I hope you have fun with your friend!” she said. He gave her a tight smile, grabbing a cup.

Making his way back up the stairs, he crossed into the bathroom once more. He peeled away the paper, wincing as it tried to stick to the cut. He poured the water in his mouth, swishing it around a bit before spitting it out. 

_ Ew… _

After a couple more drinks, he was no longer bleeding and the cut was barely stinging anymore. He breathed a sigh of relief before walking back into his room, no matter how much his mind said not to.

Patton frowned as he noticed Vanessa rustling around in his backpack.

“What’re you doing?” he asked, confused.

“Just looking,” she replied. “Do you really carry a stuffed animal with you to school? That’s pretty weird man.”

Patton bit back a huff. _ Don’t be rude, don’t be rude- _

“Uh, okay,” he ended up saying, taking a few steps back. He felt _ way _ too awkward in this situation, and horrible, and awful, and a _ bunch _ of other synonyms, okay?

Vanessa turned to face him, a sweet smile on her lips. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna be rude and _ force you _ or anything, just a little… suggestion!” She sat down on _ his _ bed, patting the spot right next to her and pulling out her phone. “C’mon, I wanna show you something.”

Patton reluctantly took the spot offered to him. She scooted uncomfortably close to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything about it. She started playing a video of a cat trying to sneak up on it’s person.

Patton smiled. Vanessa seemed to take this as an invitation as she laid her head on his shoulder, refusing to move even as he stiffened. He tried focusing on the video, but it was getting harder and harder as she seemed to lean into him.

“Hey, Patty,” she seemed to purr as the video ended. She hooked a leg around his, somehow managing to make him even _ more _uncomfortable. She was practically draped against him, and as a few seconds of silence passed, she took his hand in hers.

“Um- ye..ah?” he answered finally.

She put her arms around him, and he fought the urge to say _ I don’t want to be hugged right now. _ Or, even worse, _ I don’t want to be hugged by _ ** _you_ ** _ . _ He gulped.

“I just wanna tell you something,” she said, before pressing her lips to his.

His brain short-circuited. 

And not in a good way.

He said nothing, stayed silent. He ignored the urge to push her away. He ignored the urge to say _ stop _ , to run away, to punch her and never look back. That wasn’t _ nice _, and above anything Patton considered himself to be a nice person. 

He cautiously reciprocated, even while his body screamed _ no! _ He felt her smile against his lips. He didn’t return the sentiment. 

Tears escaped his eyes, Patton desperately trying to get them to stop. But, if Vanessa noticed, she didn’t comment. If anything, she got _ closer _ to him. He tried to get the voice in his head to stop.

He stayed silent as it went farther. As her hands tangled in his hair.

He stayed silent as she practically forced his mouth open, shoving her tongue inside without hesitation.

He stayed silent as she moved her hands across his body. He felt violated, so violated, as her hands felt along his torso, his arms, his back, his stomach. 

He stayed silent as her hands went even _ farther _ down, he only felt tears falling down his face as he held back a sob. _ No, not there, not there! _

He didn’t say a word as she pushed him back onto his bed, doing things he never, _ ever, _ wanted done to him.

Looking back on it, he wished he had had the courage to say “_ no”. _

\--

With shaking hands in the dead of night, he searched for Logan’s number in his phone. He had debated on texting Virgil or Roman, but he had a suspicion both of those boys stayed up too late already, and he didn’t want to wake them if they were sleeping. Logan, on the other hand… well he hoped he had his notifications on.

// Private Conversation between Patton and Logan \\\

2:35 A.M.

{ logann? }

{ i dont knoq qhat to do }

{ dont* know* sory }

{ sorry* }

( It’s quite alright. )

( What’s the issue? )

  
  


Patton let out a sigh of relief, trying to still his trembling hands.

  
  


{ I don’t trust myself right now }

  
  


He told Logan about what happened. He felt disgusting, even after he took a shower. He couldn’t shake the feeling of _ hands _ across his body, crawling _ everywhere- _

Oh, he was freaking out again.

  
  


( Remember to take deep breaths through all this, Patton. )

  
  


He did. He took deep, deep breaths yet he was still _ freaking out _.

_ What was he going to do? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LADS THIS FIC CONTAINS DUBCON
> 
> Dubcon = Dubious Consent  
basically, it's where you give consent, but you don't really want to. In this case, Patton finds himself too nice to say "no".
> 
> \--
> 
> And if you're wondering why I didn't have this in the tags before- I wasn't even sure I was going to do it in all honesty. This is all barely planned out, and certainly not set in stone.
> 
> Anyway love y'all stay safe <3
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/vVKBPzg
> 
> Tumblr: astrozones
> 
> Twitter: astrozone3
> 
> PS: I gave Patton the hug y'all wanted :) are you proud of me :))


	20. Logan's Late-Night Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan just wanted to go to sleep. But, he supposed, helping his friend was a good alternative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy SHIT AAAAAAAAAA
> 
> Guys  
gu  
guys it's   
it's the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of Sanders Behavioral Health!!
> 
> And we're about halfway through the story, and if I don't take anymore big breaks I should be able to finish it before the next anniversary!
> 
> In honor of the one year anniversary, I present to you... the angst

Logan had a _schedule, dammit!_ He shouldn’t be staying up into the late hours of the night, head buzzing, practically _begging_ him to work while the other screamed at him to stick to the schedule! Sleep was _important!_

He huffed a sigh, picking at the sheets on his bed. Of course, it just had to be  _ this night _ that was chosen to make him sleep deprived. He was already stressed enough, he didn’t deserve this!

He yawned, because of course he was  _ tired _ and somehow managing to stay awake.

His phone pinged, and Logan paused. He usually had his notifications off, when would he have…

His fingers itched with the anxiety of  _ change, _ but he ignored it as he picked up his phone, blinking at the sudden intrusion of light.

// Private Conversation between Logan and Patton \\\

2:35 A.M.

{ logann? }

  
  


He frowned, pausing. Patton? Awake at this time of night? Plus a spelling error… he bit his lip and shook his head, trying to ignore the spelling error for now.

  
  


// Private Conversation between Logan and Patton \\\

{ i dont knoq qhat to do }

{ dont* know* sory }

{ sorry* }

  
  


Okay, well… now there were more spelling errors. Great. Simply fantastic. Now he was going to have to deal with even  _ more _ anxiety as he tried to get to sleep, he might as well give up at this point and-

No. He had to help Patton. It would simply be rude not to. 

He sent a reminder to Patton to take deep breaths. 

After a couple more barely-intelligible texts, Logan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. 

( Do you want to call? )

{ kk }

  
  


Logan called, the phone ringing for a few beats before he heard Patton come on the other line.

“Patton?” He asked.

“Um- hi,” came the reply. Logan frowned. Patton’s voice was- shaking? Perhaps this was worse than he thought.

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t- I don’t know? I don’t think so. My hands are shaking, that’s not normal, right? Not normal…”

Logan bit his lip.

“No, Patton, that’s not normal. What happened?”

“Uh- I’m not entirely sure? No, no I  _ know  _ what happened, sorry… I guess I don’t know how to start…

“Um, you know Vanessa Cordill? From school?” Logan made a noise of agreement. “She, well, she came over uninvited and I wanted to ask her to go away but I didn’t so I guess it’s my fault- but she, uh, she started…  _ touching me _ in places I really,  _ really,  _ didn’t want her to touch and she kept going and I- I didn’t say  _ no _ , so I know it’s not rape and- I’m sorry, I’m sorry Logan for bothering you, I’m  _ sorry,  _ I know this is stupid-”

Okay, now Logan was  _ mad. _

“She  _ what- _ ” he hissed, only vaguely aware that he had to keep his volume down in the late hours of night.

“I know- I’m sorry-”

“No, no, Patton, you’re fine… I’m mad at Vanessa, not you. Okay?” He asked.

Patton whispered a simple “okay,” in response. Logan tried to get his breathing under control. “But it’s still not- not rape, right? I… I consented… Why did I do that, Logan? Now I’ve messed it up for everyone!” he sobbed.

“It’s okay, Patton. It’s okay. No, it doesn’t  _ technically _ count, but your feelings about it are still very real. Just because you consented doesn’t have to mean you were comfortable with it. It just means that you can’t get the police involved to help you.” he murmured. He heard Patton make a choked noise of agreement. “Remember to breathe, Patton.”

“Okay- I- I’m breathing,” he heard Patton gasping on the other side.

“Slower, Patton. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Remember to take a lot of air breathing in, and slowly exhale out.”

On the other end, Patton tried to follow along. Logan exaggerated his breath for him. After a few aborted tries, Patton choked out,

“I can’t do it! I can’t do it, Logan, I’m sorry, I’m  _ sorry _ , I’m bad at this!”

Logan gently shushed him. “It’s okay, Patton, we can try again. Let’s try to make them all four seconds, alright? Breathe in for four, hold it for four, and exhale for four.”

Patton followed along, more successfully this time. “You’re doing great.”

“... Thank you,” Patton said after a few minutes. “I-... I’m sorry I’m such a nuisance.”

“You aren’t,” Logan promised. “I wasn’t sleeping anyway. I’d much rather help you than lay here doing nothing. I’m happy to help.” He wasn’t entirely sure if he was, but it was better than saying nothing. And it was better than seeming rude…

“Are you doing better?” Logan asked. He heard shuffling on the other side. “Patton?”

“Wha- oh! Yeah, sorry, I nodded and forgot this was a phone conversation… I’m a little stupid…”

“Nonsense, you’re not stupid. It was a simple mistake, one I’ve seen many other smart people commit.

“... You think I’m smart?” Patton whispered. Logan felt a pang of sympathy.

“Of course you are, Patton. Are people telling you otherwise?”

“Well, not really… It’s mostly just me… but sometimes Vanessa says something I do is, um, stupid…” Patton said. Logan felt his already major distaste for Vanessa Cordill increase substantially. 

“She’s wrong,” he barked, growing softer as he heard Patton whimper on the other end. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“... it’s alright…”

“Vanessa Cordill has a vast history of lying and misintent. You should not take what she says to heart, though it’s understandable if you do. We can’t always control whether we feel affected by something- some _ one, _ or not.

“I have many examples of instances where Vanessa has done cruel things, along with witness accounts. If you’d be willing to, we could add this situation as evidence. I’ve been attempting to gain security footage of some incidents, but, ah… hacking is far from easy.”

“Um- can I think about it? This- this is a  _ lot _ …”

“Of course, Patton. It might be best to think it over through a number of days, especially because you participated in a traumatic experience-”

“I wouldn’t say it was traumatic!” Patton cut in hurriedly.

“... Alright,” Logan murmured. “You should discuss this to a therapist- whether one at Sanders’ or someone else, at some point. It can help you feel better through the trau- er, through the bad feelings.”

Patton stayed silent.

“I think it would be best if both of us went to sleep, unless you’d like to talk more?”

“N-no, I’m okay,” well that was clearly a lie- “Goodnight Logan. Uh, thank you.”

“You’re welc-”

Patton hung up before he could reply.

“Oh…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn,,, one year... one year of angst. but also one year of GETTING BETTER which is the point to this fic! Getting better is an important part of angst, and I like to highlight it. 
> 
> so HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY MY LOVELY FRIENDS! it's been wonderful to meet you all and interact with you! 
> 
> I have no excuses for the long wait except for my,, well, debilitating depression, and whether that's a valid excuse or not depends on who you ask. I plan to start trying to properly update again in November.
> 
> anyway love yall💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/vVKBPzg
> 
> Tumblr: astrozones
> 
> Twitter: astrozone3
> 
> Roman Stan discord: https://discord.gg/8HGHbJ9
> 
> 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

**Author's Note:**

> Comment u cowards. I dont care if it's appreciation, constructive criticism, or hate, I beg u... give me that sweet sweet comment.


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